0:08
Study Shows Storming off While Muttering the Word ‘Ridiculous’ Still Best Way To Let Teenage Retail Workers Know You’re Displeased
STANFORD, Calif. — Sociologists at Stanford University found that suddenly walking away from a conversation with teenage retail workers while muttering the word “ridiculous” is still the best way to let them know you’re displeased.
“This was an extensive field study,” said head researcher Anna Fairgold.
0:41
Centipede Becomes Highest Contributing Member of Punk House After Eating Termite
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A centipede dwelling in the bathroom of a local punk house has become its highest contributing member after stalking, killing and consuming a termite in the door frame, sources report.
“I figured nobody else in this house is doing anything useful, so I might as well step up and take care of a wood-eating pest,” said the centipede. “All I do is stand around on the wall all day, and even I’m surprised by how shiftless and lazy everyone else is.
1:21
Opinion: I’m Sorry I’m Late for Work, but if I Can’t Curate the Most Bomb-Ass Pre-Work Get Psyched Playlist Then What’s the Point?
Look, I know I’ve been late more often than I’ve been on time since starting here, but you really need to consider my perspective. Every morning I have to sit in my car and personally curate the most incredible, bangers-only playlist to perfectly tailor my mood and get me going in a way that will carry me through the work day. That’s a lot of pressure for a playlist, and I’m a professional, but that’s going to take some time.
Umm, no.
2:03
Punk Tries Pickleball After Hearing It’s Loud and Annoying
ARLINGTON, Va. — Local punk Troy Crouse expressed a sudden interest in trying pickleball after hearing the sport is incredibly loud and annoying, confirmed irritated neighbors.
“I’ve been looking for some form of local anarchy for a while. I tried playing guitar, but that shit is hard and way too expensive,” said the 27-year-old punk, while searching a pile of dirty clothes for his pickleball battle vest. “I considered starting a zine, but then one day my Uncle Trevor was outside losing his shit on these guys at the basketball court. Five minutes later, I heard the reason why, that sound man.
2:51
Fugazi Announce New Prank Call Album
ARLINGTON, Va. — Fugazi will end their decades-long hiatus with the release of a new album of prank phone calls, sources close to the band confirm.
“We started getting together last year in secret to work on songs for a new album,” said Ian MacKaye. “However, everything we came up with felt like a rehash of our earlier work, and we definitely didn’t want to be a nostalgia act. We were at practice one night feeling frustrated when Guy made a prank call to Comet Ping Pong to lighten the mood, and something just clicked.
3:33
Career Tip: You Can Just Say You’re an Actor on CBS’s ‘Marshals’ and No One Will Know
“I have a three-episode romance arc coming up with Stephanie this season,” I tell my aunt at our Mother’s Day gathering. “You’re going to love it.”
“Oh, we LOVE the Marshals. We’ve seen every episode, you’re fantastic,” she lies. No one has seen CBS’s Marshals, which is exactly why I’m telling everyone I’m an actor on that show.
You can too! Are you feeling stuck in your career, life, marriage? You can just say you are an actor on CBS’s Marshals, also streaming on Paramount + (whatever that is), and no one will know.
“I didn’t know you were an actor,” they’ll say.
4:21
Nation’s Bosses Announce Plans To Call You on Teams the Second You Sit Down To Take a Shit
DETROIT — The nation’s bosses have announced their plan to call you on collaboration platform Microsoft Teams the second you sit down on the toilet to take a shit, aggravated sources report.
“It was our collective decision to wait until you’ve sat on the toilet to call you out of the blue regarding non-pressing work matters,” said spokesperson for the National Bosses Alliance Tony Camarda. “We may even choose to call you at the exact moment that you’ve shot off a log, thus preventing you from being able to easily rush back to your desk.
5:07
Aaron Lewis Just Found Out Christ’s Teachings Were About Love and Social Equality, and He Is PISSED
There’s a reason people are calling Aaron Lewis “the thinking-man’s Kid Rock.” Armed with a 4th-grade reading level and a desperate need to have something to talk about with Tucker Carlson, Lewis was able to oust Bruce Springsteen as the traitor he’s been all along, decoding The Boss’s hit “Born in the U.S.A” as being critical of America’s involvement in Vietnam, all despite the song saying “U.S.A” a lot and the album having a flag right no the cover!
While Springsteen’s anti-war propaganda comes as a shocking reveal to many, it now seems Lewis has uncovered an even more insidious threat to Ch
5:58
Microbrewery Entirely Built Around Pun Name ‘Let’s Circle Bock’
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local brewery owner Tyler Gibbons confirmed Tuesday that he liquidated his retirement savings and opened a full-scale craft brewery despite having absolutely no prior brewing experience after spontaneously thinking of the pun-based beer name “Let’s Circle Bock,” last week, confused workers report.
“The second I came up with it, I knew I had no choice. I was sitting in a Zoom meeting for my logistics job and someone said ‘Let’s circle back on that,’ and BOOM, it’s like I was hit by a bolt of lightning.
6:42
Elvis Impersonator Disappointingly Dies in a Totally Normal Way
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Local Elvis impersonator James Britton reportedly passed away in a completely normal way, confirmed sources.
“You know he spent his whole life trying to live like Elvis, and it breaks my heart that he didn’t die in the bathroom after abusing prescription drugs. It’s what he would’ve wanted,” said widow Leslie Britton. “He worked his whole life and all he ever wanted, more than the jumpsuits and the recognition, was to die on the toilet just like The King himself. Instead, he passed away in bed next to me. Gross.
