0:09
Chillinoutmaxxing Still Popular Among Willennials
Chillinoutmaxxing is still the go‑to vibe for the Willennial crowd, and it’s not just nostalgia. A 39‑year‑old who spends his days shooting hoops at the local park says he’s taken the whole “just chill” thing seriously enough to avoid any real drama, even when a minor scuffle scares his mom. He’s not planning any dramatic move to California, just keeping the routine low‑key.
Cultural analyst Dana Mercer notes the trend has actually been gaining steam. He describes the typical summer scene: people lounging in sweltering heat, pretending to smoke cigars without lighting them, drifting on boats that feel like a sauna, and generally acting wild in a way that feels both earnest and absurd. There’s also a growing habit of public self‑humiliation, a sort of proof‑of‑fun that says “I’m okay” even when things feel uncomfortable.
Will Smith, often credited as the original chillinoutmaxxer, is reportedly pleased to see the younger generation keep the lifestyle alive. He frames it as more than just relaxing—it’s a whole “willifestyle” that, according to him, anyone can adopt as long as they’re willing to put in the effort, no matter how tangled the wording gets.
Meanwhile, a side note circulates among Willennials: a debate over whether Smith has suffered recent strokes. The rumor hasn’t been confirmed, but it adds a bit of drama to an otherwise laid‑back scene.
1:31
Tall Guy at Local Show Pretty Sure Female Bass Player in Love With Him After Two Instances of Accidental Eye Contact
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local 6’4” man Kyle Beebe is reportedly convinced that the bass player for touring band Skab Kickers is deeply in love with him after the two locked eyes a few times during a recent show, confirmed sources.
“Yeah, it just really felt like we were vibing, ya know? I always love seeing women playing music in the scene. I support women fully, so whenever there’s one playing at a local show I typically like to really lock in and stare at them for their whole set to show my support,” said Beebe after Skab Kickers finished their last song. “The first time we made eye contact probably didn’t mean anything. Just a stolen moment. But that second time we locked eyes, time really stopped for me. We were practically banging. Just really feeding off of each others’ positive energy.”
One of Beebe’s friends also in attendance called into question the magic of this moment.
“Things got pretty uncomfortable when Kyle leaned over to me and loudly said, ‘this bassist wants to do me nasty-style’ right when the band’s fourth song abruptly ended and everyone was really quiet. I think it dissuaded people from applauding,” reported the very short Mike Bledsoe. “I don’t think the bassist was actually reciprocating any interest at all, but I can’t claim to understand the power of eye contact. I typically only go up to other peoples’ torsos, so eye-to-belly-button or eye-to-nipple contact is the best I can do.”
Emma Wiltern, the bass player in question, confirmed that feelings were indeed not mutual.
“I guess we did lock eyes for like one total second? His head was kind of just levitating above everyone else’s so it was impossible to miss. I don’t know, I didn’t think anything of it until he blurted out the thing about doing it nasty-style,” said Wiltern. “I didn’t realize how tall he really was until he came up to me after the show to let me know that the one song I sang lead on reminded him of ‘this band called Paramore.’”
Later that night, Beebe was seen at a local grocery store making out with a box of Frosted Flakes on the top shelf after he believed Tony the Tiger was giving him “fuck me” eyes.
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3:47
Ugh, Just Skip Him: This Make-A-Wish Kid Requested To Be a Cop for a Day
The Make-A-Wish Foundation has been giving special boys and girls a chance to live their dreams for well over four decades at this point, and has granted requests from meeting John Cena to visiting Disney World during that time. These kids have shown extraordinary bravery facing monsters most of us can’t even begin to fathom, and the organization has delighted in helping them forget their troubles, even if it’s only for a day. Nearly every one of their clients deserves the opportunity to experience some happiness while fighting their mighty battles, and we salute these tiny warriors and wish them all the best.
We say “nearly”, however, because of one exception. Meet 9-year-old Blake Hoffman of Winthrop Harbor, Illinois. This kid, who we once thought of as a cool, tough little dude, is currently fighting osteosarcoma, which is a type of bone cancer. Brett really enjoys playing baseball and Fortnite, and we considered him to be pretty cool until the Make-A-Wish Foundation contacted his family and discovered that he wanted to be a cop for a day.
Ugh, really? Is there a way they can just, like, skip him or something?
Seriously, what the hell is this little twerp’s problem? Doesn’t he pay any attention to the news? Cops are the bad guys; end of story. What kind of fucking psychopath sees riding around in a squad car harassing and assaulting minorities as a fun recreational activity? Also, does he think we don’t have enough policing in this goddamn country, and his local squad could use an extra hand? Save yourself the effort, Blake, and just schedule an extra chemotherapy session instead.
While we’re at it, will the world really be better off if Blake fights his little heart out and beats this awful disease? We’re not saying we’re hoping for the alternative, but unless he profoundly changes trajectory, he’s just going to grow into another limpdick bully with a badge. We have far too many of those motherfuckers in this country as it is. Seriously, we hope Blake pulls through, but if he doesn’t, we just won’t be crying as hard as we did when that kid who wanted to meet Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed.
In conclusion, while we fully support the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s mission, we think there should be some exceptions. Maybe if they skipped Blake, that would give him some time to ruminate on the life decisions that led him to this point. It’s not called the Make-A-Bootlicker’s-Wish Foundation for a reason.
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6:15
Eagle Scout Finally Putting Knot Tying Skills To Use as Shibari Instructor
DES MOINES, Iowa — Highly decorated Eagle Scout Jeff Bronson was excited to finally put his knot tying skills to use as a shibari instructor, according to several sources familiar with the proud 23-year-old.
“Whether it was being a surgeon, a sailor, or a cattle rancher, I always knew I wanted to use the knot tying skills the Boy Scouts of America taught me for some greater purpose,” said Bronson, currently heaving a tightly bound customer into the air. “Little did I know I’d find my calling as a shibari instructor in Iowa. It turns out that tightly winding rope around people’s genitals, fixing them into erotic positions, and using the cords to help people unlock a level of intimacy and spirituality never before experienced is my true calling. And it wouldn’t have been possible without my scout leaders!”
Customers of Bronson’s shibari instruction school were equally impressed by his ability to incorporate other scout skills into the activity.
“Me and my boyfriend wanted to incorporate candle wax play into our session,” said newbie shibari enthusiast Meghan Burns. “Unfortunately we didn’t have a lighter or matches for the candles. But Jeff was able to show us how to build a fire with just two sticks and a lot of friction. His leather working badge also came in handy as we developed new bondage outfits for ourselves. The Boy Scouts really helped turn him into a one man kink machine!”
Not everyone was impressed by Bronson’s turn towards shibari instructor, including his former scout leader Guy Demars.
“This is not exactly what I intended for Jeff when I taught him those knots,” said a frustrated Demars tightly clutching his Bible. “Maybe it was all the talk of whippings and the way Jesus was bound during his crucifixion that subconsciously affected him. But that wasn’t kinky, that was for the sins of humanity! I guess this was bound to happen after we let women and gays become Boy Scouts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to another settlement hearing about sexual abuse by scout leaders.”
In related news, Bronson’s girlfriend Erika Cade has been putting her Girl Scout art merit badge to work as she has become one of the most popular Rule 34 artists on DeviantArt.
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8:30
Jackass Now the Strongest American Institution
WASHINGTON — As confidence in America fades globally and domestically, polls find that Jackass is now the only American institution people trust.
“The American Dream is dead,” declared Rick Dale, a DC pollster with no light in his eyes. “Pointless wars, reflecting pools, AIPAC-owned politicians, and a dominant billionaire class have left Americans struggling to hold on to their love of their country and culture. The only institution still standing uncorrupted and true is Jackass. Trust in government, healthcare, media, and law enforcement has all cratered, but seeing Johnny Knoxville get flipped over by a bull and knocked the fuck out? That still has 100% of Americans standing up and saluting.”
Jackass: Best and Last is in theaters now, and Johnny Knocksville has confirmed there will be no further sequels. It’s been a good run, America.
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