0:09
Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion
MIAMI—In an effort to diversify its holdings in the highly competitive militarized surveillance space, data analytics firm Palantir announced Thursday that it had acquired the Pentagon for $800 billion. “After months of negotiating, I am thrilled to announce that the U.S.
0:29
Supreme Court Upholds Temporal Gerrymander That Would Cost Democrats 1932 Election
WASHINGTON—In a wide-reaching decision likely to affect every era of American life, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a landmark ruling Tuesday upholding a temporal gerrymander that would cost Democrats control of the House of Representatives in the 1932 election.
With the 6-3 judgment, the court’s conservative majority permitted the Republican National Committee to redraw congressional maps from the nation’s past, an aggressive strategy designed to split space and time heavily in the party’s favor.
1:04
Older Cousin Demonstrates New Pressure Points Learned Since Last Visit
TWIN FALLS, ID—Highlighting sensitive areas on the body that when properly manipulated could induce extreme pain, older cousin Noah Horner held a demonstration on new pressure points he had learned since his last visit, nervous sources confirmed Friday. “Check this out—it’s used by IDF soldiers,” said Horner, explaining to the writhing younger cousin whom he had pinned to the floor that the techniques could be used to kill someone if a person pressed down hard enough. “If you thought the moves I did last time frigging hurt, you have no idea.
1:41
Washington Wizards Announce Founding Wizard Dead At 682
WASHINGTON—In a statement that mourned “the extinguishing of one of the league’s oldest and most infernal lights,” the Washington Wizards announced Tuesday that the organization’s founding wizard, Osric the Baleful, had died at age 682, bringing to an end a centuries-long career in necromancy, prophecy, and NBA ownership.
Osric’s 1997 acquisition of the team then known as the Bullets is said to have taken place after an omen from the entrails of a hanged usurer convinced him that possession of a middling sports franchise would grant him an inexhaustible river of mortal anguish on which to floa
2:20
Elaine Gardener
Elaine Gardener’s loved ones can rest easy knowing the 63-year-old passed after having finally completed the Devil’s Dozen Challenge at Sliders Bar & Grill.
The post Elaine Gardener appeared first on The Onion.
2:35
Escaped Giraffe Unable To Be Located
A 3-year-old giraffe is missing after escaping a ranch in Texas two weeks ago, with search helicopters turning up nothing. What do you think?
“This is why you always walk your giraffe on a leash.”
Alice Beale, Cactus Farmer
“She’s probably a burger by now.”
Steve Frantz, Tire Inflater
“Maybe they need a more specific description?”
Chuck Staub, Glass Duster
The post Escaped Giraffe Unable To Be Located appeared first on The Onion.
3:04
Report: That’s Enough Soccer For Now
WASHINGTON—Saying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer for now. “Welp, that was fun, but we’ve got our fill,” the report read in part, adding that after a couple weeks of watching men from places like Italy, Bulgaria, or wherever kick the ball back and forth, Americans were ready to thank everyone involved and move on to something else. “It was fun and all, and we’ll be sure to tune in again in four years. But for now, that’s plenty of soccer—no need to overdo it.
3:41
Kash Patel Invites FBI Agents To Train With Professional Pickup Artists
QUANTICO, VA—Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists.
4:03
Democrats Need to Win Back Voters by Becoming Republicans
The following is an excerpt from our upcoming book, Obey In Advance: How to Survive and Thrive Under Authoritarianism by longtime McSweeney’s writer Ginny Hogan and McSweeney’s resident satirist Carlos Greaves. From how to stick your head in the sand to avoid thinking about your dictator, to the most effective ways to reeducate the masses, this hilarious (and oddly reassuring?) guide has you covered—whether you want to Make Authoritarianism Great Again or not.
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“Sen.
4:37
Friend Who Says They Don’t Need Therapy Sure Is Talking Your Goddamn Ear Off About Their Problems
CHICAGO — Your friend who insists they don’t need therapy, which they describe as self-indulgent bullshit for weak people desperate for validation, sure is talking your goddamn ear off about every problem they have accumulated over their lifetime, sources confirmed Friday.
“I’ve spent entire evenings being held emotionally hostage by this guy after making the mistake of asking how he’s been,” you said. “He’ll start by saying he’s ‘totally fine’ then almost immediately jump into a three-hour monologue about his childhood, exes, and overall inability to feel joy. At one point tonight, I tried to just pause him for a minute by going to the restroom, but he just followed me and kept talking about his parents, recurring anxiety dreams, and the panic attack he had in a CVS parking lot this morning through the door.”
When asked why they won’t just go to therapy, your friend Dave Mays was quick to respond.
“Dude, therapy is fake. I mean, what are you doing, paying somebody to tell you what to do or what a special unique snowflake you are? Come on, just fix your problems yourself like a grown-ass adult,” said Mays, before immediately launching into his fear of abandonment, a detailed account of his parents’ divorce, and a humiliating seventh-grade basketball incident that still keeps him awake at night. “It’s like, do you even have friends? Talk to them, weirdo. Unless, obviously, your problems involve those friends, in which case you can’t really talk to them without potentially damaging the relationship. Man, if only there were some kind of neutral stranger to tell all your problems to, without fear of judgment or reprisal. Kinda sucks that no one has thought of that. But anyway, what was I saying about my crippling fear of intimacy?”
Behavioral psychologist Dr. Alicia Rennick said it is very common for people to want to process their emotions more “naturally.”
“Many individuals who reject therapy choose to process their emotions on their own, organically, by coercing friends into providing thousands of dollars worth of unpaid psychological labor every week,” said Rennick. “This type of individual does not want traditional therapy and instead prefers to haphazardly recreate the entire therapeutic process, without confidentiality protections or the freedom to speak honestly, and with significantly more text messages sent after midnight asking if they’re fundamentally broken as human beings.”
At press time, Mays had reportedly started complaining how annoying people who say they have “trauma” are, before wondering aloud whether he sabotages every meaningful relationship in his life because he believes he doesn’t deserve love.
The post Friend Who Says They Don’t Need Therapy Sure Is Talking Your Goddamn Ear Off About Their Problems appeared first on HARDTIMES.
