0:10
Anti-Vaxxer Dating App Gaining Popularity
Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think?
“Perfect, I’ve been looking for something more short-term.”
David Yee, Systems Analyst
“What a fun ‘how we met’ story to tell your kids if they get older.”
Ella Abrams, Tortilla Steamer
“I am riddled with plague and absolutely cleaning up.”
Howard Gautier, Hook Baiter
The post Anti-Vaxxer Dating App Gaining Popularity appeared first on The Onion.
0:44
Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett
The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring.
The post Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett appeared first on The Onion.
1:00
Damn It, Mom’s Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now
A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Mom’s definitely going to say it’s time for your generation to start hosting holidays.
Reference #33813
The post Damn It, Mom’s Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now appeared first on The Onion.
1:21
Streaming vs. Theaters
More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences.
Concessions:
Streaming: 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.
Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn’t confiscate.
Size Of Vin Diesel’s Head:
Streaming: Unacceptably small
Theaters: Gigantic, as God meant for it to be seen
Sound Quality:
Streaming: Tough to hear dialogue while cooking, vacuuming, and practicing drums
Theaters: Dental fillings shaken loose by
1:59
MAHA Voter Feels Betrayed By Continued Survival Of Own Children
DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children. “I voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.’s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on day one, but lately, I’m starting to worry that my kids might make it to adulthood,” said Murrow, adding that in her view, Health Secretary Robert F.
2:34
Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World
WASHINGTON—Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world. “We’re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity’s presence on planet Earth,” Trump said during a press conference meant to address concerns over the world’s duration, adding that Americans didn’t want to get bogged down in a protracted existence with no clear end in sight. “It was never the plan to continue having life go on forever.
3:13
Harvard Faces Pressure To Fire Confederate Generals
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Insisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individual’s contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the school’s teaching staff.
Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several dozen tenured professors who held prominent roles in the Confederate army between 1861 and 1865.
3:45
Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race
MILWAUKEE—Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday’s game. “They took after those sausages like a pack of wolves,” said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of fear in the eyes of the last-place bratwurst as ravenous fans huffed closely behind shouting, “Get the brat!” and “Slow down, you mouthwatering fuck!” “I’ve never seen big dudes like that run so fast.
4:26
On the Historical Significance of the Male Low Ponytail
Throughout American history, the male low ponytail has transformed ordinary men into leaders, shifting the outcomes of wars and upending cultural norms. Here, we explore the immense impact of this powerful hairstyle.
1776: George Washington first asked the question: Who says you can’t have white curly hair in front and a tiny pony in the back? All portraits of him only give a cursory glance at his low-po, never the full view, because that was reserved for soldiers willing to risk their lives with him in battle.
5:02
Bro, the Only Reason the Strokes Made It Is Because They’re Nepo Babies and Their Debut Album’s an All-Time Classic
Oh, you like The Strokes? Yeah, that’s cool. You know they were all like little rich glitterati kids from New York City, though, right? Like going to galas and Sotheby’s auctions and shit. Garage rock revival my ass! I’m sure those leather jackets weren’t cheap either. Not like the ones we bought at Forever 21. I even heard they like, paid people to make their sneakers look dirty, it’s wild. But that’s how the industry works, man. All you need is daddy’s checkbook and an era-defining debut album to make it big!
I swear if it weren’t for their seminal debut album, or their excellent follow-up Room on Fire, or the rest of their albums which are actually pretty decent, The Strokes would just be another early aughts footnote. But noooo, 25 years later, and they still get to headline festivals and have successful solo projects because they’ve made a “career” out of being really gifted musicians whose songs we all know and love. Such bullshit. I mean, they’re basically The Vines but with trust funds. And like, much better songs.
The whole thing is pretty much rigged. Looking back on it now, my band, Kevin’s Nightmare, never stood a chance. First of all, my dad works at the post office, so what was he ever gonna do for us? Pass our demo along to the Postmaster? Fuck that guy! Secondly, our debut EP Lunch For Breakfast is really bad. There’s only four songs and none of them are memorable or good. It was recorded on a TalkBoy, but instead of sounding lo-fi and cool, it mostly sounded like drunk guys who didn’t know how to write or record music. We also had to have 2 bassists because the only instruments we had were 2 basses.
Not like the dainty little Strokes boys who had the proper amount of instruments for a rock band and got to record in fancy studios, pinkies pointed outward as they strummed their custom-made guitars, delicately soft hands diddling their vintage Moog synthesizers, and so on. Must’ve been real nice to have the financial freedom to practice songs on their instruments until they had timeless classics with catchy hooks and memorable choruses. Normal guys like us don’t have the luxury of being “disciplined” or setting and achieving “goals” or doing “heroin” with “Ryan Adams”. But hey, some guys are just born with shitty dads.
The post Bro, the Only Reason the Strokes Made It Is Because They’re Nepo Babies and Their Debut Album’s an All-Time Classic appeared first on HARDTIMES.
