0:10
Police Suspect Gunman’s Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People
COLUMBIA, MO—Stressing that they could not yet pinpoint any definitive rationale, Columbia police chief David Elrod told reporters Monday that authorities suspected the motive of a gunman who carried out a weekend shooting spree was to kill a whole bunch of people. “After probing the assailant’s intentions for opening fire on the crowd, we’ve been able to surmise that his objective may well have been to shoot a lot of folks,” said Elrod, adding that while the case was still an ongoing investigation, murdering a large number of people really quickly seems to be the most persuasive explanation as to why the shooter would commit such a heinous act. “We don’t want to rush to any conclusions, but when the accused party yelled out, quote, ‘I’m going to kill every one of you motherfuckers,’ we believe this potentially indicated that his purpose was to kill everybody. We may never know for certain what exactly went through the perpetrator’s mind when he gunned down those innocent bystanders, but all evidence points to that being the goal.” Following a broader investigation, police were said to be exploring an alternative theory that the gunman didn’t intend to kill any people at all and his victims were simply collateral damage from his attempt to fire his gun as many times as possible while walking down a busy sidewalk.
The post Police Suspect Gunman’s Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People appeared first on The Onion.
1:35
‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens
The aliens that landed on Tuesday seemed to have spent their interstellar commute binge‑watching our news cycles, because they arrived with a very specific request: take them to the person who, by their logic, runs the planet’s affairs by virtue of being the most prolific child predator. Their spokesperson, a being from the Galgax Nebula, explained that the pattern of powerful figures shielding the worst offenders is something they’d deduced from decades of television and radio.
Instead of asking for a tour of our monuments, the delegation demanded an audience with the “supreme molester,” insisting that any lesser offender would be an insult. They even referenced a previous encounter where a similar request led to the destruction of a planet that tried to hand over a well‑known legal commentator instead.
Security analysts on Earth watched the negotiations fizzle out as a burst of green light vaporized a familiar resort, leaving the alien delegation without a target and the planet with one more absurd headline. The whole episode reads like a satire of how we sometimes treat the most egregious abuses as political realities.
2:45
The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
Imagine a world where Hillary Clinton, pantsuit still specked with mustard, hoisted the Mustard Belt in 2016 and then held it for eight straight years. The article treats that absurd pivot as a kind of political litmus test: if a seasoned senator could choke down a hundred hot dogs, maybe she could also choke down the nation’s crises. The humor lives in the mismatch—turning a competitive eating victory into a substitute for governance, as if the real policy battles were just a matter of stomach capacity.
The piece riffs on the idea that a “girl‑boss” who can swallow endless franks would inspire a generation of little girls to ignore the “unladylike” label attached to competitive gluttony. It leans into the fantasy that a single bout of meat‑laden endurance could have averted everything from January 6 to the Iran war, suggesting that the real villains were simply under‑fed opponents who over‑indulged the night before.
There’s a self‑aware wink at the end, acknowledging the whole thing is a daydream that keeps the author sane. The author even tosses in a hopeful note about future politicians—Buttigieg, Pritzker, Harris—taking the stage at Coney Island, sweating through the same sausage‑filled agony. In short, the article is a tongue‑in‑cheek meditation on how absurd it feels to look for a single, ridiculous pivot that could have “saved” the country.
4:10
Polls Show Ken Paxton Performing Favorably Among the Cannibalistic, Chainsaw-Wielding, Human Skin Mask-Wearing Faction of the Texas Electorate
WASHINGTON — Texas Republican nominee in the 2026 U.S. Senate election Ken Paxton is currently enjoying a wide berth over Democratic opponent James Talarico among the state’s cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding, human skin mask-wearing electorate, according to an independent poll.
“I really like this Paxton guy,” confirmed chainsaw wielding psychopath Jethro “Necrobutcher” Hurley as he removed the skin of his latest victim. “The other guy keeps talking about loving your neighbor and being a decent human being, which doesn’t really do much for us cannibalistic murderers, you know? It’s been tough for us to find victims ever since Google Maps was invented, as less people are getting lost and finding themselves at our combination gas stations/human meat barbeque stands. I’m hoping he can completely run this state into the ground and kick off some sort of diaspora. My mouth is watering at the thought of all the people who’d travel past my house if we had another Dust Bowl.”
Paxton was thrilled at the news.
“I know I have the support of all decent, God-fearing Texans, which of course includes our beloved cannibals,” said Paxton. “These are good folk we see adorned in the skins of the attractive college students who had the misfortune of happening upon their domiciles, and they’ve fallen under hard times. My opponent would probably support giving their victims tuition reimbursement or even free healthcare, which is downright shameful. I’ve even heard ‘Talafreako’ is a vegan, which we all know is a sin here in Texas. I encourage all of our state’s demented slayers to take a break from reveling in the flesh of the decomposing bodies littering their houses to come out to my rally in San Antonio next Thursday.”
Political scientist Thandiwe Carson weighed in on the development.
“It’s extremely common for Republican political candidates to receive support from horror villains,” Carson opined. “Republican senator Pete Ricketts just earned the official endorsement of Nebraska’s rogue bands of children who worship malevolent cornfield entities in his bid for reelection, and Susan Collins would not have become Maine’s senator without the ever-growing population of sentient corpses emerging from the state’s Pet Semataries. I know many Americans are in a constant state of disbelief over how their country could have reached its current situation, and this is a huge reason for that.”
At press time, Paxton was also performing well among Texas’s deformed, subterranean survivors of nuclear testing.
The post Polls Show Ken Paxton Performing Favorably Among the Cannibalistic, Chainsaw-Wielding, Human Skin Mask-Wearing Faction of the Texas Electorate appeared first on HARDTIMES.
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6:51
Oh, You’re a Guided by Voices Fan? Name Three DUI Checkpoints in Western Ohio
Oh, so you’re a big Guided By Voices fan? A scholar of the Pollardverse? Fuck off. Unless you can name me three well-known sobriety checkpoints in Western Ohio, you can never utter the words “Warp & Woof” again.
I don’t give a shit that you can name every member of the classic lineup, the ‘97 Cobre Verde lineup, the Doug Gillard era, the new Doug Gillard era, or even the very brief Nick Mitchell incarnation. Tell me which exit on I-75 in Toledo to avoid after 10 pm on Fridays.
Do you know how many relationships, career opportunities, and Chevy Impalas I’ve destroyed because of my Pollard fandom? Countless. The least you could do is memorize a couple of roadblocks before you start drumming “My Valuable Hunting Knife” on your steering wheel.
True GBV heads keep an annotated map of every DUI checkpoint south of the Maumee River in their glovebox, right next to a Miller Lite tallboy and a copy of Pollard’s collage book, EAT 15.
Also, DUIs are actually called OVIs in Ohio. It stands for “Operating a Vehicle Under the Influence,” which should roll off the tongue fairly easily for someone who knows every word to “The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory.”
So you own all 44 studio albums from Devil Between My Toes to Crawlspace of the Pantheon? Big deal. Your favorite song might as well be “Hold on Hope” if you don’t know which milepost on Rt. 127 in Paulding County has the Ohio State Highway Patrol waiting to ruin your fucking life.
Are you even aware that the title “Vampire on Titus” is a reference to Titus Avenue, where Bob Pollard used to live in Dayton? You should, because there’s always a cop sitting by the Waffle House on Needmore Road, and trust me, he is not amused when you sing him “Teenage FBI.” It WILL end in a body cavity search.
And quit bragging that your original, handmade copy of Propeller goes for $2,500 on Discogs. That will barely cover the attorney fees if you get busted. I had to sell all nine color variants of my Tonics and Twisted Chasers to get them to drop the reckless endangerment charges.
This is not about fandom, this is about survival. If you consider yourself a true GBV fan, you need to know every back road from Columbus to Cincinnati before you go 90mph down I-71 blasting a 39-song album in 42 minutes.
The only thing more dangerous than a .24 blood alcohol level is admitting you don’t know where the next DUI trap is. And if that’s the case, you’re probably better off listening to Wilco.
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9:21
Rising Gas Prices Forces Touring Band To Flintstone Their Way Between Gigs
CONROE, Texas — The ongoing war in Iran and steep increase in the cost of gasoline has forced touring folk-punk band Secret Hobo Spices (SHS) to power their Econoline van by foot power ala The Flintstones mechanics, sore and blistered sources confirmed.
“This administration is a bunch of warmongering, fascist pedophiles who are defiling the earth and destroying our sense of good with our common man! Also, I have plantar fasciitis and this is bullshit!” declared SHS saw player known only as Trussle Rust. “We’re a folk-punk band — we wouldn’t even believe in money if we had it. But if the price of gas doesn’t drop soon, then unless we can train our stray dog, Henry Kissenger’s Ghost, to sleddog everything, we’re gonna miss our show in Youngstown, Ohio.”
A spokesman for the Trump administration, whose name is probably Kyler, had this to say.
“President Trump knows that many Americans are concerned about how the ongoing war is affecting their personal finances. I want to let you all know that the president is doing everything he can to bring this conflict to a swift and bloody conclusion,” stated Kyler, or possibly Bradley. “As far as how the price of oil is impacting motorists, well, unfortunately you’re just gonna have to work those peets for a little while. Because let’s be honest, none of you fucks can afford a Nissan LEAF.”
To get a better scope of the historical relation between unconstitutional war and oil, 111-year-old oil baron Thaddeus Cornelious Rudabaugh Kidstrangle provided his perspective.
“I’ve learned two inescapable truths in my long career in oil — don’t build wells in Ohio and the non-whites die first,” said Kidstrangle, who is hopefully minutes from death. “Almost certainly war is a major boon for an oil man such as myself, but this Trump shyster just has no fucking idea what he’s doing. He’s almost certainly leading us to global collapse. Now that doesn’t mean much for me since almost everyone I meet reminds me of the grim specter of my imminent grave — but maybe you should consider hiring another Bush next time. They really know how to throw a profitable war.”
At press time, SHS was forced to pay for $3,000 of repairs to the van despite not having any gas, a battery, any mechanical work being done or the van even still being on an actual roadway.
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11:43
BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Apparently Has a Heart
WASHINGTON — News that Sen. Mitch McConnell was found unconscious after suffering a severe heart attack in his Washington, D.C. home has rocked the nation’s capital, with Washington insiders reporting that they were “blindsided” by the revelation that the 84-year-old Kentucky Senator actually has a heart.
“It was literally jaw-dropping,” said one congressional staffer who chose to remain anonymous. “It’s just not something we were prepared for. You think you know somebody once you’ve worked alongside them for many years. With all that Senator McConnell has done throughout his long political career, I would have never once considered that he could have a heart, or really even blood.”
The Republican National Committee has since released press statements condemning McConnell, stating that the possession of a heart “does not align with the values of the GOP, our platform, or the voters we represent.”
This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.
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