0:09
Andy Reid Seated At Empty Wedding Table With 12 Dinners
NEW YORK—Navigating the venue in search of his place setting, wedding guest Andy Reid was reportedly pleased Friday to find that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce had seated him at an empty table with 12 dinners assigned to him. “I think this is me,” said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach to the dozen plates as he sat down, draping his suit jacket over the back of his chair before rubbing his hands together in anticipation. “Well, I know who I’ll be spending the rest of the reception with—am I right, beef? How thoughtful of the happy couple to seat me at my very own carving station. So, tell me, how long have you been an entrée?” At press time, the happy newlyweds were feeding Andy Reid cake.
The post Andy Reid Seated At Empty Wedding Table With 12 Dinners appeared first on The Onion.
0:59
Trump Amasses $1.2 Billion From Crypto
President Trump disclosed that he personally amassed around $1.2 billion from crypto holdings in 2025, raising concerns about his profiting off the office. What do you think?
“And people said that crypto was a scam.”
JoAnn Landrum, Cider Bottler
“Every job has its perks. Mine has a Sodastream.”
Max Schnabel, Flower Presser
“It’s always important to diversify your grifts.”
Patrick Slocombe, Marquee Installer
The post Trump Amasses $1.2 Billion From Crypto appeared first on The Onion.
1:30
Tips For Cooling Your Home
More than two dozen states are experiencing extreme heat. The Onion shares tips for keeping your home cool and comfortable amid record-breaking temperatures.
Press a cold, damp towel against your home’s pulse points.
Take contortionist classes until you can fit inside the freezer.
Fire your gun in the air as a warning to the sun to back off.
Get a nice cross breeze going by bulldozing a wall.
Spend the bulk of your day in an even hotter location so that your house feels like a blast of frigid air when you get back.
Ask your warmest roommate to move out.
Spill the blood of a fat ox to appease the spirits who have cursed the land with unnatural heat.
For quick relief, get an AC unit dropped on your head.
It’s probably too late to suggest the concept of an earthen home built partially underground, isn’t it?
Set your thermostat to 150 years ago.
The post Tips For Cooling Your Home appeared first on The Onion.
2:26
Joey Chestnut Recalls Being Cut From His High School’s Varsity Hot Dog Eating Team
Joey Chestnut looks back on the one high‑school tryout that never happened. As a freshman he marched onto the varsity hot‑dog squad, only to be turned away because the coach thought he was too skinny. The rejection landed him a personal mission: train on his own, stalk the team’s practices, and turn bratwurst, hamburgers and any sausage he could find into a makeshift conditioning program. He framed it as a lesson in gag‑reflex discipline and jaw‑strength, a kind of DIY boot camp for competitive eating.
The spot he lost went to a sophomore who tipped the scales at 350 pounds. The school expected a prodigy, but the guy never made it past a bank teller’s counter. Meanwhile Chestnut kept polishing his technique, eventually turning the “too skinny” label into a world‑stage record of 70‑plus hot dogs in ten minutes. The contrast is almost a punchline in itself: the heavyweight never ate his way out of a teller’s window, while the underdog became the sport’s marquee name.
His parting advice to aspiring eaters is simple—don’t let anyone write your menu. Keep the stomach open, the mind skeptical, and, if you’re lucky, the next cut will be the one you hand out.
3:38
American Spirit Introduces Protein-Boosted Cigarette
OXFORD, N.C. — American Spirit is set to be the first tobacco brand to capitalize on the protein-boosting craze, according to a press release from parent company R.J. Reynolds.
“American Spirit is proud of our reputation as a natural alternative to other companies’ chemically treated products,” said spokesperson Melanie Quist. “And while our cigarettes are often touted as a ‘healthier’ option, we’ve been working for years on ways to make them even better for our customers. Now we’re proud to announce a brand new member of our product lineup: American Spirit Protein. Our world-class research team was the first to master a technique that allows protein powder-infused tobacco to be turned into bioavailable protein when inhaled. Don’t be surprised if you start to see muscle-bound fitness enthusiasts ‘ripping a butt’ before heading into the gym.”
Smoker Ansel Slade was one of the subjects brought in to test American Spirit’s new cigarette.
“I’ve been a pack-a-day smoker for 30 years,” said Slade, pausing to double over and cough violently. “And I gotta tell you, these things are amazing. Only a few days after switching to the protein cigs, I could already feel the health effects. All those amino acids are building up my lung capacity, and I’ve got a lot more energy and strength. Hell, I used to have trouble hefting a 30-rack of Bud out of my truck, but now I can carry one of those plus a handle of Bourbon no problem. My doctor said what I’m experiencing might be something called ‘the gazebo effect,’ but he’s in the pocket of big pharma so why should I listen to him?”
As smoking rates in the U.S. continue to decline, tobacco companies are increasingly turning to stunts to attract new smokers.
“Smoking is increasingly being viewed as uncool,” said corporate consultant Russ Sylvaine. “I’ve worked with several big tobacco corporations on projects to reshape smoking’s image and entice younger people to light up. I helped bring a Pokémon-inspired brand called Smokémon to market—the slogan was ‘Gotta smoke ‘em all.’ Each cigarette featured an original, if somewhat derivative, cartoon monster printed on the filter. However, Nintendo sued immediately and the product was recalled.”
At press time, R.J. Reynolds’ rival Philip Morris International had announced a new line of Cialis-infused Zyn.
The post American Spirit Introduces Protein-Boosted Cigarette appeared first on HARDTIMES.
5:58
Five Books You Must Pretend To Read in Public Before You Die
Ah, reading. Some of us pretend to do it at home. Some of us pretend to do it for book club. And the rest of us simulate the act of reading in public to show the world we are painstakingly cultured. However, oftentimes it can feel like there are so many paperbacks out there, it’s hard to choose which to pretend to read next. Good thing we’re here to let you know the five books you must performatively act like you’re reading in public before you die a horrible, horrible death.
Consider this list like Goodreads, but for those of us who don’t actually want to take up valuable brain space for reading comprehension.
“1984” By George Orwell
Everyone keeps saying things like, “We’re living in 1984.” Presumably, they’re either talking about this novel’s resemblance to our current times, whatever this book is about, or they’re referring to the year “A Nightmare on Elm Street” came out, which totally ruled. By pretending to read this book in a coffee shop, hopefully someone — anyone — will clear this phrase up for you. I mean, it does often feel like we’re living in a nightmare where Freddy Krueger is trying to murder you with his finger knives.
“Infinite Jest,” By David Foster Wallace
Pretending to read this one on the subway will show everyone within a 15-foot radius of you that you have strong biceps, capable forearms, and a formidable core because this book weighs a ton. You’ll get a solid workout, but you somehow won’t consume a single word on the page. But hey, no one’s going to question you with those magnificent triceps.
“The Communist Manifesto,” By Karl Marx
Socialism is hot right now. Communism is even hotter. No one knows the difference between the two of them, but that shouldn’t stop you from sitting on a park bench, hiding your phone in between the pages of this book, and scrolling TikTok instead. Someone online is bound to sum up what this book is about for you at some point.
“Ulysses,” By James Joyce
James Joyce was a heavy drinker. By performatively reading his books in an Irish pub by yourself, it’s like you’re condoning alcohol abuse for the sake of craft. If we know anything about solo binge-drinking, it makes your literature pretty darn famous. Bonus points if you’re taking swigs of whiskey while “reading” this at the bar. It’s what James would’ve wanted. And once you’re appropriately hammered, you may even try your hand at pretending to write a novel or screenplay in public. There are no limits to playing adult make-believe.
“If You Would Have Told Me: A Memoir,” By John Stamos
If you’ve ever simulated the act of reading this one publicly, you’re in great company. I’m talking Dave Coulier, Aunt Becky, and even one of the Olsen twins, all of whom pretended this was the “The Great Gatsby” of celebrity memoirs. This is one of those pieces of classic literature that everyone must pretend to read in public before they die from blunt force trauma, like Bob Saget. Have mercy.
The post Five Books You Must Pretend To Read in Public Before You Die appeared first on HARDTIMES.
8:54
Christopher Nolan Accused of IMAXxing
LOS ANGELES — Longtime director Christopher Nolan was accused of a phenomenon known as “IMAXxing” by critics and peers, confirmed sources who demanded answers.
“If you ask me, Nolan’s been IMAXxing because he can’t tell a story on 35mm anymore. Once he got a taste of Satan’s film stock, it was game over for him,” said film critic Ace Watley. “Christopher is clearly taking a hammer to the screen to enhance his aspect ratios and I’m pretty sure he’s microdosing meth to be able to edit movies to be two hours longer than normal. That’s why his last film was six and a half hours long. If anyone should be IMAXxing it’s the porn industry. And mostly because it would make total sense to see a 25-foot-long penis.”
Nolan defended his participation in this bizarre new trend.
“Some people think I am just compensating for something, but really I wanted Matt Damon’s forehead to be two stories tall and then I just kept shooting,” said Nolan. “You know, 35mm film is so limiting. I can tell a much grander story when Batman’s junk is nine feet long, it really draws the audience into the feature when they can really see it, you know? Anyway, I don’t care what anyone says, shooting on 280mm is the only way to film a movie.”
Even Hollywood royalty were quick to accuse Nolan of IMAXxing, including James Cameron.
“Look, Nolan is a hack. I mean come on, he didn’t even force sequels to production that literally no one asked for. I mean for crying out loud, he doesn’t even have seven-foot-tall blue people in his films,” said Cameron. “Of course he’s IMAXxing, only an idiot would think he wasn’t hitting that Black Tar Cellulose for everything he shoots. It’s the only way to film something so addictive that people will sit in a theater for five hours with no intermission. You gotta get ‘em hooked early.”
At press time, Nolan was seen recutting the Batman movies to get a shot of Michael Caine’s totally stacked dumper on a two-story screen.
The post Christopher Nolan Accused of IMAXxing appeared first on HARDTIMES.
