0:10
Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Ringing in the momentous occasion with firework displays, community service projects, and chants of “bog-trotters go home,” the United States of America turned 250 on Saturday despite the presence of the Irish.
The semiquincentennial, marking two and a half centuries since the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was observed by approximately 308 million Americans, as well as 32 million potato-eating others whose reasons for remaining in a country that never welcomed them in the first place were unclear. Sources confirmed they were impressed by the dignity and poise with which the nation carried itself in the face of the interlopers, noting that to rise above the pasty, redheaded horde and their diseased children was no easy task.
“Two hundred and fifty years may not seem that long when compared to a country like China or Egypt with thousands of years of written history, but to be fair, neither of those places ever had to deal with the Irish,” said historian Robert Garson, director of the Harvard University Center for Human-Hibernian Relations. “A quarter of a millennium ago, the Founding Fathers came together to establish a new nation in the name of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and no mick can take that away from us.”
“I believe Ronald Reagan hit the nail on the head when he described this country as a shining city on a hill with a shantytown stinking of boiled cabbage at its base,” Garson added.
At Independence Day celebrations across the country, the mood was reportedly jubilant, with residents in small towns and big cities alike exhibiting a rare optimism that for once the Irish might stay in their own neighborhoods. In downtown Boston, visitors strolled down the Freedom Trail, posed for pictures in front of the Paul Revere House, and cheered as law enforcement burst into pubs and dragged out the drunk, violent foreigners who had stolen Americans’ canal-building jobs and dyed their rivers green.
“I was a bit worried about visiting Boston, considering its demographics, but they’re doing a great job keeping all their Murphys and Maloneys in line,” said tourist Victoria Diaz, who noted that she felt much safer after learning the city had erected barbed-wire fencing around all of “Southie,” as the Irish neighborhood is known to its largely illiterate population. “Plus, I made sure everyone in my family packed some chunks of soda bread we can throw to distract them if they try to get us.”
“Not even the sight of a sloping-skulled Irishman could bring me down on a beautiful day like today,” Diaz continued, smiling.
In the nearby suburb of Brookline, residents took part in a ceremony at Town Hall in which they unearthed a time capsule from 1976 that included a “Spirit of ’76” commemorative coin, a bicentennial flag, and a Celt-repelling King James Bible. According to municipal officials, the time capsule also featured a handwritten letter from sixth-grade students begging to know if in the future flying cars had been invented and the Irish had at long last been exterminated.
“I remember the bicentennial like it was yesterday—there were flags on every corner, people wearing red, white, and blue everywhere you looked, and St. Aidan’s Church was on fire,” said Brookline Mayor Edwin Ayers, 63, who recalled gathering with his family in a local park to watch the captivating flames light up the night sky. “It was a very special time, and in a way, nothing’s changed. We didn’t let immigrants from Ireland get us down then, and we don’t let them get us down now.”
“Give us 250 more years, and we’ll build a paddy wagon big enough for the whole godforsaken island,” he added.
The post Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish appeared first on The Onion.
3:42
Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Smiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, America’s Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday.
“Happy semiquincentennial, America,” said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized in the thermosphere alongside Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and others after a red, white, and blue star shot across the sky. “Just because we died and our souls went to outer space doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about you. Watching you from above only makes us love you more!”
“We are so proud of everything you’ve done to make this the best country in the universe,” the first U.S. president added as he batted away an errant satellite while celebratory fife and drum music echoed across the Milky Way. “And remember, if you need us, we’re always just a few galaxies away.”
In an emotional speech, a teary-eyed Washington told the nation that although he died in 1799 of a throat infection, he had in the years since eagerly watched over America from 4,000 light-years away on planet Nebulon, mourning when his native Virginia fell to the Union during the Civil War and cheering on the United States during its glorious military campaigns across Asia and the Middle East.
Flanked by the spirits of his esteemed fellow members of the Continental Congress, Washington reiterated that despite the many planets they visited, alien races they slaughtered, and wars they waged throughout the universe, America would always be the best place they ever colonized.
“See, America, it was scary when we died, but you’re more than capable of being a country without us!” said the celestial form of Thomas Jefferson, whose eyes twinkled as he appeared alongside the spirit of his slave Sally Hemings and several of their children. “You have faced so many atrocious challenges: the Nazis, the Russians, hippies, immigrants, and two Catholic presidents! But you never once backed down.”
“When you dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, I said to myself, ‘They’re going to be okay,’” Jefferson continued with a chuckle. “And based on your current government, we know you are in good hands.”
Several reports indicated that Jefferson then snapped his fingers and summoned the spirits of many deceased Native Americans and African slaves, as well as dead Iraqi, Afghan, and Vietnamese children, all of whom floated in the sky and said that Americans should be proud of their history and that any disagreements or misunderstandings from the past were now “water under the bridge.”
Washington congratulated the United States on “all the beautiful slaughter to come” and, with a wink, said, “Oh, by the way, watch out for the famine.” According to reports, the Founding Fathers then faded off into the distance, leaving behind constellations in the shapes of their faces.
“I looked out my window and saw the Founding Fathers flying across the sky on a giant space eagle,” said Seattle resident Angie Freedman, who was awoken Saturday by the sound of a bugle playing the national anthem. “They talked a lot about how painful dying was and how there’s still syphilis in space, but it was amazing to hear how much they loved us. I waved at Alexander Hamilton, and he actually smiled and waved back!”
“It made me proud to be an American,” Freedman added. “Even though Benedict Arnold was there for some reason.”
At press time, 340 million Americans were heard cheering raucously as the Founding Fathers returned for an encore and chanted “USA! USA!” while blood rained down across the country.
The post Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space appeared first on The Onion.
7:15
A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World
By the REPRESENTATIVES of the
ONION EDITORIAL BOARD,
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station to which the laws of nature entitle them as Americans, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that an editorial board for America’s finest newspaper should declare the causes which lead them to promulgate a Declaration of Independence that states, once and for all time, our vehement opposition to any other countries besides America.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all nations besides our own are created in an equal state of inferiority, that they are endowed by their Creator with a duty to, at worst, not bother America’s ruling class and, at best, be dedicated to toiling in support of our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. That to secure this outcome, such other nations, which include Botswana, Lichtenstein, and many others, must stop being so weird and irritating all the time. That whenever such countries forget they owe their very existence to the consent of America’s elite, it is the responsibility of such elite—such as The Onion’s board members—to demand these countries alter or abolish themselves, in order to guarantee that the United States no longer has to deal with their unyielding folly.
Prudence will dictate that other nations should know better than to continue existing, given that the mere mention of names such as “Thailand,” “Kyrgyzstan,” and “France” causes great pain and misery to the American ear. All experience has shown that America is more disposed to suffer when other countries persist, and these countries must thus dissolve themselves.
Indeed, after suffering 250 years in a long train of abuses and injuries ranging from “Eurovision” to tapas to the so-called “game” of cricket, it is Americans’ right, indeed, their duty, to throw off the shackles of living in the same reality as other nations. Such has been the quiet misery of our lot, looking on in horror as dozens upon dozens of states without the name “America” are allowed to desecrate our maps and globes. It has therefore become a necessity that this grotesque status quo is ended. To prove this, let facts be submitted to the world about the grave injustices inflicted upon the United States by other countries.
They have called together legislative bodies much like our own in strange and unfamiliar places, far from our shores, for the sole purpose of making a mockery of our way of governance.
They have stolen the concepts of “democracy” and “liberty” and bandied them about as their own without paying even a small 30 or 40 percent of GDP to our coffers in gratitude.
They have fished their own seas, harvested their own land, and fed their own people.
They have asserted their own independence.
They have perfidiously changed their names, as, for example, “Turkey” to “Türkiye,” so as to deliberately baffle and exhaust any American’s attempt to pronounce them.
They keep making food too spicy.
They have attempted to obstruct the extrajudicial killings of their leaders and acted in wanton opposition to the bombing of their hospitals and schools.
They refuse to subscribe to a diet entirely consisting of hot dogs, which has repeatedly proven wholesome and necessary for the public good.
They have rejected calls to annihilate themselves and their citizens with a thermonuclear warhead so that Americans no longer have to experience the indignity of learning about them.
They all smell bizarre and terrible.
They have conducted trade with one another while our largest businesses are forced to sit idly by and watch like cuckolds.
They have created ideas such as “very tight men’s pants,” “discotheques,” and “bidets” in brazen violation of human dignity.
They have erected a multitude of new and very tall skyscrapers in rank defiance of the Empire State Building.
They have created judges who swear loyalty to a constitution beside our own, resulting in such dangerous absurdities as a “Bulgarian judge” or a “Greek judge.”
They have kept, even in times of peace, large armies of foreign soldiers to complete the work of desolation and tyranny known as “defending their borders,” a practice of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled even in the most barbarous ages.
They have excited domestic insurrection amongst us by exporting into our midst films such as “Roma” and “Sentimental Value” and have endeavored to make our own peoples slog through their dismal plots.
They continue undermining the principles America was founded upon by being separate countries besides our own.
11:44
Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony
PLYMOUTH, MA—Reaffirming their commitment to sovereignty against a backdrop of crashing waves and the setting sun, the original 13 American states renewed the Declaration of Independence Saturday in a beautiful beachfront ceremony. “Now repeat after me, do you free and independent states hold these truths to be self-evident?” said officiant Barack Obama, adding that despite having been together 250 years, the former British colonies looked just as devoted to unalienable rights now as they ever did. “Now take this pen, a symbol of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and add your signature in federal union. I now pronounce you, once again, the United States of America. You may sign the parchment.” At press time, South Carolina had reportedly threatened to secede after spotting Pennsylvania in a cabana during the reception entering into union with California.
The post Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.
12:46
Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As ‘Twilight’ Fan Fiction
WASHINGTON—Offering new insight into the origins of America’s founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. “Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nation’s Founding Fathers, we hypothesize that the document that ultimately became the Declaration originated as a non-canonical work of vampire romantasy fiction featuring Edward Cullen and Bella Swan,” said historian Silas Glenford, adding that most direct references to the Twilight series were ultimately replaced with passages proclaiming the 13 colonies as independent sovereign states to avoid infringing on Stephenie Meyer’s copyright. “Thomas Jefferson’s opposition to the original draft’s enemies-to-lovers plot line appears to have steered the document toward a focus on grievances with British colonial rule, which the pro-Jakeward faction of the Founding Fathers accepted as a compromise to defeat Benjamin Franklin’s efforts to include several graphic werewolf sex scenes with his own self-insert character. George Washington in particular likely fought tooth and nail to keep the Declaration’s depiction of King George as a BDSM-obsessed vampire, though the true reason this was omitted in the final document is a mystery known only to those present at the Second Continental Congress.” At press time, Glenford added that X-ray analysis suggested that the founders initially signed the Declaration under the pen name Drakeblood Demonfire before its success prompted them to sign again using their own names.
The post Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As ‘Twilight’ Fan Fiction appeared first on The Onion.
14:28
‘Babe, You Shrunk!’ Says Panicked Travis Kelce To Mini Bride On Wedding Cake
NEW YORK—Struggling to wrap his head around the horrific sight before him, a panicked Travis Kelce reportedly yelled, “Babe, you shrunk!” on Friday to the miniature bride figurine on top of the couple’s wedding cake. “Taylor, no, God, no—it’s going to be okay babe, just tell me who did this to you!” said the Kansas City Chiefs star, who crouched down to eye level to plead with the blonde, blue-eyed acrylic cake topper that was staring blankly back at him. “Wait, who the hell’s this guy? Are you leaving me for a miniature man, babe? Hold on. Huh. That’s me. Then wait, where am I?” At press time, Kelce was screaming, “No, babe, that’s your house!” as the real Swift appeared beside him and plunged a knife into the cake.
The post ‘Babe, You Shrunk!’ Says Panicked Travis Kelce To Mini Bride On Wedding Cake appeared first on The Onion.
On the markets — Kalshi traders have been actively repricing this story in the last day.
15:26
Andy Reid Approaches Floor For Traditional Coach-Tight End Wedding Dance
NEW YORK—Rising from his seat as the first notes of Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance” blasted over the sound system, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid was seen approaching the floor Friday evening for the traditional coach-tight end wedding dance. “It’s a moment every coach dreams about from the time he drafts his first offensive player, and [Reid] was clearly emotional,” said wedding guest Kristin Byron, who noted that there wasn’t a dry eye in the room as Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift’s guests watched the pair sway and twirl across the parquet floor. “By the time the first chorus started and [Reid] dipped Travis, they’d clearly brushed off their nerves and were just enjoying the moment. You could really see what they were probably like on the field when [Kelce] was a rookie.” At press time, Kelce was seen screaming in Reid’s face after the coach missed a step.
The post Andy Reid Approaches Floor For Traditional Coach-Tight End Wedding Dance appeared first on The Onion.
