0:06
Do I Even Matter?
Happy Fourth of July. Despite our many problems as a country, there’s still much to be proud of. And if you hate the politics, visit our amazing national parks, our beaches and our cities. You’ll meet wonderful people even if you don’t agree with their politics!
Upcoming events
NYU Doctors Radio (Sirius XM) this Monday, July 6 at 8AM PT talking about my recent WaPo article: Is familial estrangement a dating red flag?
NYU Doctors Radio (Sirius XM) Tuesday July 21 at 9AM PT discussing my prior WaPo article 10 therapist approved ways to reduce anxiety fast. Hope you can listen in.
Stanford University Lecture: Tuesday July 14th I’ll be giving another talk on the cultural underpinnings of estrangement
This Tuesday Webinar for paid subscribers ($7 a month and you can cancel whenever you like) Tuesday, July 7th, 430-530 PT. Do I Even Matter? Register at end of article and post your questions in the comments section.
When psychologists talk about what people need to flourish, they usually mention self-esteem, belonging, autonomy, or purpose.
But according to psychologists Gordon Flett and Isaac Prilleltensky, we’ve overlooked something even more fundamental:
The need to matter.
Mattering isn’t simply feeling good about yourself. Nor is it the same as belonging.
As Flett defines it, mattering is the belief that you are significant to other people—that your presence makes a difference and your absence would be noticed. Remarkably, studies show that feeling as though you don’t matter predicts depression, loneliness, relationship distress, and even suicidal thinking above and beyond factors like self-esteem or social support. In other words, you can feel reasonably confident about yourself and still suffer deeply if you believe your life has little significance to anyone else.
Prilleltensky expands the idea even further. He argues that mattering has two inseparable parts: feeling valued by others and adding value to others. We thrive not only when people appreciate us, but when we know our lives contribute to theirs.
This helps explain why family estrangement can be so psychologically devastating.
Most parents assume they will always occupy an important place in their children’s lives. Not necessarily a central one—but an enduring one. We expect to be called when something wonderful happens or when life falls apart. We imagine ourselves attending birthdays, graduations, weddings, and eventually watching grandchildren grow.
These aren’t simply expectations about contact.
They’re expectations about mattering.
When an adult child becomes estranged, parents often tell me they feel invisible. Many say that what hurts most isn’t the anger or even the rejection. It’s the realization that someone who once depended on them for everything now appears able—or willing—to live as though they scarcely exist.
Research suggests that this feeling of no longer mattering strikes at something deeper than self-esteem. It attacks our sense of significance.
Fortunately, the research also offers hope.
Prilleltensky reminds us that mattering is not something bestowed by only one relationship. We experience it whenever we contribute meaningfully to another person’s life. We matter as friends, spouses, mentors, neighbors, volunteers, therapists, teachers, and caregivers. Every time we make someone else’s life a little better, we strengthen our own sense that we matter.
That doesn’t erase the pain of estrangement.
Nothing does.
But it does challenge one of estrangement’s cruelest lies: that because you no longer matter to one person, your life no longer matters.
For many estranged parents, healing doesn’t begin when their child returns. It begins when they gradually reclaim the many places where they have always mattered—but could no longer see.
Many of you have written to say that you’d love to come to the summit in Chicago but can’t afford it or can’t attend personally. We listened and as a result created a Virtual Pass so you can view it remotely or listen to the recording for $245. You can register and learn more here.
For those unable to travel, the Virtual Summit Pass is an opportunity to participate in these important conversations from anywhere in the world and gain insights from experts who have spent decades researching, counseling, and working with families navigating complex relationship challenges.
And to register for the in-person experience go here. Being there in person allows you to develop a community of other estranged parents, network, and meet the speakers after the event!
THIS TUESDAY for paid subscribers
“DO I EVEN MATTER?”
Renewing Identity and Purpose in the Midst of Estrangement
430-530 PM PT
REGISTER
3:06
Grier
A name which holds an equal amount of glamor and strength, Grier was originally a Scottish surname, adapted from the first names Gregor and Gregory. It’s shift into a first name came when celebrated actress Greer Garson rose to fame in the 1940s – and while Greer is used about five times more often than Grier, neither have ever appeared in the US Top 1000 – yet!
Grier is brought to you today by Nameberry Guest Writer, Tallulah, who shares what make makes her love this distinctive name:
While names like Charlotte, and Olivia tend to dominate conversations about timeless, elegant girl names, Grier exists just outside of that spotlight. It’s quieter, sharper, and a little more unexpected. It carries a kind of understated confidence, the kind that doesn’t need popularity to validate it. It feels like a name you’d hear once and immediately remember, but not be able to fully place, which honestly, is ideal.
It’s got that surname-as-first-name energy that feels very now, very “I didn’t follow the obvious list”. It’s minimal, but not empty. Strong but not loud. Grier feels like it belongs to someone who knows who they are without needing to announce it.
I could actually see myself using it for a future daughter, which is probably the highest compliment I can give a name like this.
3:57
65 Bougie Things Under $20 That Are Actually Life-Changing
Elevating your daily routine shouldn't require blowing your budget — and you shouldn’t have to choose between aesthetics and functionality either. That’s exactly why we rounded up these wallet-friendly, life-changing upgrades that deliver bougie for less. Whether you’re staying home or stepping out, you’re going to appreciate that each find offers maximum practicality along with a touch of everyday luxury. Scroll on to shop the edit.
Whether you need to tidy up your bathroom drawers or just need a better way to pack your toiletry items for travel, these bougie little storage containers are sure to help. Offered as a set of four, the lids feature a stylish sunburst design and silicone strips for moisture protection. Fill them with cotton swabs, hair ties, flossers, Band-Aids, and more. They’re offered in pretty hues that look luxe in your travel bag.
DIY pedicures will feel so much more posh when you use these pretty toe separators — and they’ll help prevent smudging, too. The affordable pack includes four sets, each featuring colorful floral designs and comfy silicone that promises to stay put. Shoppers swear by these home pedicure essentials — just clock that 4.7-star rating.
Get the look of real stained glass without busting your budget with this high-quality window film. It has a 3D textured surface for a frosted look, stunning rainbow colors, and a classic diamond pattern. You’ll appreciate how it instantly adds privacy to your home, as well as UV ray protection. Simply use water to install.
Stay cool no matter where you are with this genius clip-on fan. It’s super compact, so you can attach it to shirt collars, waistbands, and more. Then, just tap to turn on and choose between three speeds. It even has a rotating vent so you can get the perfect airflow angle. Enjoy up to three hours of continuous use on a single charge.
Schlepping your tech around unprotected is a big no-no, making this laptop sleeve a must. It has a chic quilted design, plus a velvety lining and lots of padding that help minimize dust and damage from getting tossed around. And when it gets dirty, just throw it in the washer to have it looking like new again. Choose from several solid hues and trendy prints within the listing.
This keychain compact brings flawless touch-ups right to your bag. It features a dual magnification mirror and three adjustable LED brightness levels — all powered by a USB-rechargeable battery that can stay powered for up to two weeks. Simply clip it to your purse for effortless access on the go.
These headbands aren’t just stylish, they’re also incredibly comfortable. The soft silicone bands have flexible inner wires and comb teeth, securely gripping hair without slipping or yanking. And they won't cause headaches or squeeze your pressure points either, even after wearing them all day. Choose from two packs featuring chic animal patterns.
This chic keychain looks like something you’d find in a designer boutique, but it’s actually incredibly affordable. It features a stunning floral design crafted from soft and durable vegan leather. And it has a hidden, shockproof compartment for stashing AirTags. Choose from a selection of pretty themes.
These waterproof shower lights will take your daily self-care routine to a luxe level. They offer a range of colors and brightness modes and come with a remote for convenient operation. And no tools or wiring are needed since they’re completely USB rechargeable and attach to surfaces with their adhesive and magnetic design.
Tired of reaching for the coffee table? This sleek bamboo couch tray brings effortless style and convenience right to your armrest. The sturdy, heat-resistant tray keeps your drinks and snacks organized, while the nonslip backing keeps it securely in place. It’s the ultimate living room upgrade — but shockingly inexpensive.
If you have beach plans in store, you need this two-pack of handy cup holders that stick right into the sand. They’re designed to hold drinks, phones, lip balm, and more — so you always have what you need within easy reach. They can also be used in the grass for your next picnic. One shopper noted, “Perfect for keeping your drink from getting sandy and spreading it everywhere. Stays nicely.”
You’ll love enjoying your morning brew out of this artsy little coffee mug that offers a comfy, handleless grip and two drinking spouts — one for a straw, the other for regular sipping. It’s crafted from durable ceramic with a durable glaze and a hand-painted striped pattern. Plus, it’s both dishwasher- and microwave-safe for added convenience. Choose from three neutral colorways.
These car cup holder coasters add a luxe touch to your vehicle’s interior — but they also make those hard-to-reach places so much easier to clean up since you can simply lift them out and rinse. Made from waterproof silicone, they help keep your cup holders tidy between cleanings.
7:07
Offering the Best of Ourselves
Last week, I went to a Vinyasa class. The instructor, Sarah, had primed the studio with incense and florals. She set out blankets and bolsters for each student, welcoming us as if the space were her own home. Her flow was fluid. Her voice, a gentle river. And as she taught, it was like she could see our pain, offering us the yoga studio as a sanctuary, a place to release it all.
At the end of class while we lay in savasana, Sarah delivered lavender-dotted washcloths to each yogi, placing them over our eyes. When it was time to re-engage with the world, she glided across the floor, daintily ringing a copper gong.
To our surprise and delight, while we lay with our backs flat to our mats inhaling essential oils and an essential sense of calm, Sarah had poured each of us a paper cup of strawberry infused water, with a mint garnish. We woke up to refreshment. When was the last time you received a drink with a garnish at a yoga class? Yeah, me too.
When I thanked Sarah for pampering us, she responded by saying, “It’s who I am, and I wanted to share that with you.”
Three days later, I went to another class at the studio—this time Steel Sculpt. The instructor, Celine, started the class with the urgent tone of a drill sergeant, “RISE!” It startled me a bit as Sarah’s lavender oil still lingered in my mind.
Celine practically marched us through her staccato sequence, pulsing and holding, squeezing and planking. It was all shoulder presses and “deep core work,” ankle weights and resistance bands. No incense. No gentle river. No song of the gong. I didn’t sip any strawberry water after class, yet I went home from that sanctuary feeling capable, confident, and strong.
Sarah offered us her authentic self; it was kind and healing. Celine offered us her authentic self; it was powerful and motivating.
And it got me thinking about mothers.
The moms who crouch down and snuggle their sons when they scrape their knees, and the moms who—from a distance—shout, “Shake it off!” The moms who cart their kids to sport camps, swim lessons, and every VBS within 15 minutes of their homes. And the ones who hunker down to bake bread, harvest zinnias, and paint cardboard signs for neighborhood lemonade stands.
We all have unique preferences, personalities, and strengths. Some of us are a little more like Sarah; others of us, more like Celine. But I believe we’re all offering the best of ourselves, in the summer heat waves, in the concentrated time at home, in the chaotic extended family vacations, and in the million tiny moments in between. We’re all creating space and mini sanctuaries—whether we bring lavender or not—for our mini-me’s to heal, to thrive, and to grow into kind and strong kids.
Good job, moms.
Namaste,
Becky
“Your content is invaluable and saved me during the depths of new motherhood! I don’t know where I’d be without the Coffee + Crumbs (and Exhale) community. “
— Joie C.
“Stressed vines can make great wine, and I hope that’s true of people. But there’s a fine line, isn’t there? Stress the vine too much, and it’ll die. Its leaves will fall off, and its fruit will shrivel up. Not only that, but the season of stress for a vine can’t be constant. There needs to be a season of dormancy, pruning, and preparation.” // Stressed Vines by
Books on our (collective) nightstands: Mad Mabel, Nine Lives, It Could Have Been Her, Big Time, A Better Share, Having It All, The Favorites, and our Exhale book club pick, The Perfect Rom-Com.
Pair this 3-in-1 handmade garlic grater/herb stripper/spoon rest with a copy of You’re in Good Company 😉 for the ultimate hostess gift.
“If your voice is the center of your creative power, it is strengthened not by imitating others and conforming to the flavor of the day, but by coming into its own. In adolescence, we come of age. In the creative life, perhaps it’s not so much a coming of age, but a coming of authenticity, and the path is the way of rewilding.” // The Future of Writing Belongs to Those Brave Enough to Cultivate Distinctive Voice by
Summer is for streaming. On our watch list: America’s Sweethearts, Voicemails for Isabelle, Widow’s Bay, and For All Mankind.
“This season, let us consider how to encourage one another. We never know how a simple meal could brighten someone’s day.” // I’ll Never Forget That Mac & Cheese by
Recent additions to our summer mom uniform include this sandal, these hair pins for hot-weather friendly top knots, and low maintenance nail polish. Our accessory of choice? A reusable starter film camera.
“These elementary school years ask a lot of parents. And it doesn’t matter if you have one kid or four, they can feel eternally long.
10:07
The Freedom Worth Fighting For
Friend,
Happy Fourth of July.
I love this holiday. I love the fireworks, the cookouts, and the way it all just feels like family. But I will be honest with you. This year, the holiday hits a little different for me.
Because as I watch our nation celebrate freedom, I cannot help but think about how many families are not free at all. They are trapped in silence and resentment and a cycle of arguments that never actually resolve anything. Many of you will not be together with your children this holiday because of broken relationships that are breaking your heart.
Maybe that is you right now. Maybe you are watching your teenager or adult child pull further away and you do not know what to say to bring them back. Maybe you have noticed that the conversations have gotten shorter and the tension in your home is something you can feel the moment you walk through the door.
I see you. And I want you to know that it does not have to stay this way.
The Real Battle for Freedom
Here is what I believe with everything in me. The greatest battle for freedom in America is not being fought in Washington. It is being fought in our living rooms and in the hallways of our homes after the doors slam shut.
The enemy is not a political party. The enemy is everything that is pulling your family apart. It is the culture that tells your kids they do not need you. It is the ideology that says boundaries are toxic and the screens that have replaced eye contact.
Our Founding Fathers fought for the right to raise their families under God, with conviction, and with purpose.
Why I Built the Relational Repair Roadmap
I am a mother of ten. I have navigated every stage of parenting from diapers to adult children who have their own opinions, their own lives, and their own choices. And if there is one thing I have learned, it is this: strong families do not happen by accident. They are built on purpose.
I have spent years being intentional about staying connected to my kids. That has required hard conversations, humility, and learning skills that few are teaching you in a parenting book. It has required me to put my pride aside and ask myself, “Am I building a bridge to my child, or am I building a wall?”
I built the Relational Repair Roadmap because I have watched too many good parents lose connection with their kids. They prayed the prayers. They cried out to God in the middle of the night. And still, the distance grew.
That is exactly what this roadmap is. Six modules that walk you step by step through the process of strengthening and repairing what matters most in your family. Real strategies that you can start using today.
You will learn how to identify the root of the distance between you and your child. You will learn the exact words to use when you initiate repair. You will learn how to set boundaries that protect the relationship instead of destroying it. And you will learn how to rebuild trust before it is too late.
Because I would rather equip you to fight for your family now than watch you wish you had later. That is why I do this.
A Gift for You This Independence Day
This weekend, as we celebrate the freedoms that generations before us bled for, I want to give you a tool to fight for your family with.
Here is what you get:
The full 6-module Relational Repair Roadmap course
The Repair Kit
The Conversation Guide
The 3 Minute Reset Audio
Lifetime access to revisit whenever you need it
Use the code FREEDOM30 at checkout and start this weekend.
Your Family Is the Legacy
Friend, two hundred and fifty years ago, men and women risked everything so their children and their children’s children could live free. They did not fight for themselves. They fought for the family they would never meet.
That is what you are doing right now. When you choose to learn a new way forward instead of accepting the way things are. When you take action and grow as a parent, you are shaping every generation that comes after you.
Your family is worth the fight. Fight for your family.
Use code FREEDOM30 for 30% off the Relational Repair Roadmap.
Praying for you,
Elizabeth
