0:09
So-Called January 6 Patriot Yet To Be Rearrested for Soliciting a Minor
TOLEDO, Ohio — Dale Fistler, local participant at the January 6 riots on Capitol Hill, has been rearrested for disorderly conduct, trespassing and public drunkenness but, according to sources, the so-called “patriot” has yet to be rearrested for soliciting a minor.
“Long before Dale stormed the Capitol, he tried to infiltrate my 6th grade sleepover birthday party,” said Dawn Ellis, Fistler’s now estranged sister. “At the time, I thought he was just being an annoying older brother, but looking back, it’s pretty clear he was attempting to groom my friends Tanya and Caitlyn.
0:47
Just A Birthmark
While permanent, the visible blotch is strictly cosmetic and in no way affects this home’s ability to shelter you and your family.
Reference #259348
The post Just A Birthmark appeared first on The Onion.
1:02
City’s Beautification Initiative Hamstrung By Commitment To Local Artists
BLOOMINGTON, IL—Amid a campaign aimed at improving the aesthetics of previously neglected public spaces, the team behind a new beautification initiative admitted Thursday to feeling impeded by the city’s commitment to using only local artists. “Seeing the quality of some of these pieces, I’m beginning to worry that we vastly over-estimated the amount of artistic talent here in Bloomington,” said project coordinator Tim Mackey, examining a sculpture that consisted of a single bent piece of scrap metal and had been funded through a $25,000 capital improvement grant.
1:40
Hungover ‘Antiques Roadshow’ Expert Pulls Another Appraisal Out Of Her Ass
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying whatever she had to say to get through the PBS shoot as quickly as possible, hungover Antiques Roadshow expert Katrina Delaney reportedly pulled another appraisal out of her ass Wednesday morning. “Yeah, you can tell from the, uh, baroque cornices that it’s probably from the Ming dynasty,” the 48-year-old decorative arts specialist said of the century-old cigar humidor she had barely bothered to glance at, wincing as the man who had brought her the object exclaimed, “Wow, that’s incredible!” a little too loudly. “I especially admire the Edwardian neoclassic patina. Mhm.
2:20
Brood Of Disney Child Stars Emerges From Ground
BURBANK, CA—Tunneling upward out of the darkness where they had lain in wait for
13 years, the latest brood of Disney child stars reportedly emerged from the ground Monday, filling the air with their mindless droning.
Thousands of spunky young actors, part of the child performer population known as Brood D, were spotted bursting out of the soil en masse within the 51-acre Walt Disney Studios campus, where they wriggled through the grass on their bellies in search of a vertical surface to climb up and cling to.
2:53
California Bans ‘Sell By’ Food Labels
California banned the use of “sell by” labels on food packaging in an effort to cut down on food waste caused by consumers misinterpreting its meaning. What do you think?
“I thought only us grocers could see those.”
Mikhail Thomas, Unemployed
“Now I’ll never know why that green meat went on sale.”
Germaine Terhorst, Monologue Archivist
“I prefer the vomit test.”
Julia Grob, Carafe Refiller
The post California Bans ‘Sell By’ Food Labels appeared first on The Onion.
3:24
I Don’t Know What I Expected at President Nyarlathotep’s Great American Shitshow, but Color Me Disappointed
“‘A total disappointment’: revelers face unbearable heat at Great American State Fair.” — The Guardian
- - -
I drove from Dubuque for this, you know. My remaining friends are all longtime Nyarlathotep supporters, and the ones still able to speak coherently always tell me my homemade Dread Lord memorabilia is top-notch. Hats, T-shirts, beer koozies, flaying scythes—I make ‘em all myself. There’s even a diner in town that sells some of my wares.
3:58
Drummer’s Yearbook Photo Obscured by Guitarist and Half a Keyboard
SAN DIEGO — Local student at Pardo High School and drummer Grey Martin was noticeably missing in the majority of their yearbook photo, which predominantly featured members of their hardcore/finger-crust band, Crambulate, confirmed sources.
“It comes with the territory,” said Martin, who comes from a long line of drummers they have never fully seen and was reportedly feeling “unsurprised” by how the picture turned out. “Whether in the back of the orchestra, in the corner of a cramped dive, or even at a bris there’s always some other musician or rabbi between me and the camera. My drivers license photo is somehow mostly David Lee Roth. I’m used to it now, but it wasn’t always like this, I was always heavily acknowledged and highly regarded until I took the throne. Since then, my visibility has plummeted.”
Crambulate guitar Mack Rivers didn’t really see an issue with the yearbook photo.
“I think it turned out pretty well,” said Rivers. “I like how my hair looks, the light caught my tele just right, and you can tell I’m really getting my shred on. Honestly, one of the best pictures of Grey I’ve seen. As a lead axe-man, it’s my job to use my mobility on stage and in life to stand tall for those who must sit, and I can’t let that allyship go unacknowledged. The challenge is getting in frame from every angle. There are no craftier photogs to outsmart than a drummer’s friends and family. Luckily there aren’t many of either.”
John Jason, the freelance photographer hired for the picture day, attests that documenting drummers has proved “historically difficult.”
“I’ve been around and I’ve got ‘em all. Bigfoot, Loch Ness monster, I even got a nice action shot of Jeff Magnum getting curb-stomped by a geologist from Animal Collective,” said Jason. “But drummers just never seem to develop quite right. Never been able to get one in a shot alone. Even with Grey, I cleared the entire room, drew the blinds, hung up garlic, and still I only got like an elbow and a hairline.”
At press time, Pardo High School has since announced that, going forward, yearbook club will offer “out of focus rhythm section” as a background option along with green lasers and blue fade.
The post Drummer’s Yearbook Photo Obscured by Guitarist and Half a Keyboard appeared first on HARDTIMES.
6:12
Opinion: I’ll Say What We’re All Thinking: It’s Time To Privatize the Fire Department
Greetings peons! The time has come once again for us to talk about the taxpayer’s wasted dollar! As a concerned citizen and triple entrepreneur (gym membership sales, Bitcoin mining, and writing AI self-help books), I know the value of a dollar. Believe me, I’ve lost a lot of them, and it hurts. You know, we as residents of this fair city are entitled to the best. Are we not? If you needed an operation and had the choice between springing for a ten-thousand-dollar surgeon or paying a hundred dollars for some bum from the slums, I’m betting you wouldn’t pick the bum.
Why then is it so foolish to suggest charging people a little bit more for basic public goods? Why is it that it’s so foolish to suggest privatizing the fire department?
I mean, we’re already so spoiled. Our tap water comes out when we want it to, and it’s almost always the right color. Our streets are paved with asphalt, not dirt. And our toilets carry our stool away without complaint. But we don’t get these things for free. And if you’re willing and able to pay a little more money, you can get a toilet that also has a bidet to give you a nice little spritz around the bum-bum region. You’re telling me it’s so stupid that we should be able to pay more to have the fire department prioritize us?
There’s a lot of good that’ll come of this. Sure, my plans to militarize the police and corporatize the military have thus far been met by mocking laughter. You say “the police don’t need bazookas at traffic stops.” “The military shouldn’t be owned by Amazon.com,” you cry. But my pay-per-gallon hose is both cost-effective and a great way to save water and silence snotty environmentalists.
Look, I can hear the whining. Oh, it’s not fair. Oh, it’s wrong. Oh, this plan would allow the homes and businesses of the less fortunate to be reduced to ash while prioritizing the property of the wealthy. To which I say: Yes. But that’s not a bad thing. For one thing, the wealthy are creators of jobs and housing. If they have housing and jobs, it’s easier for them to create it for the people who lost everything in the fire. You wouldn’t ask the man who’s lost his life raft to throw you a preserver. That’s just bad business.
Plus, some buildings are old and ugly. If people can’t pay to save them from destruction, then there’s probably a reason for it. Get rid of those awful pre-war eyesores and put up some condos. Which, by the way, my uncle’s construction company makes.
I’ve thought a lot about this! Each night, I watch my favorite erotic film — RoboCop — and rub my greasy little pepperoni nipples. And when they’re nice and pointy, I get to thinking. Survival of the fittest is the law of the jungle! Because after all, if a wildebeest can’t afford an armed guard with an AK-47, it deserves to be eaten by lions.
The post Opinion: I’ll Say What We’re All Thinking: It’s Time To Privatize the Fire Department appeared first on HARDTIMES.
