0:09
Scientists Create First Synthetic Cell
University of Minnesota scientists have created the first-ever synthetic cell, called SpudCell, which is able to feed, grow, and replicate as if it were naturally occurring. What do you think?
“Nothing beats the cells mom used to make.”
Naomi Collins, Paint Tester
“Is this what playing God has been reduced to?”
Alvin Hatfield, Apron Designer
“I always find synthetic cells are so scratchy.”
Mark Tumbados, Vitamin Lobbyist
The post Scientists Create First Synthetic Cell appeared first on The Onion.
0:41
History Of Boy Bands
BTS is back and embarking on a massive world tour. In honor of the K-pop group, The Onion takes a look at the history of boy bands.
1294
King Philip IV figures it’d be funny to make all the eunuchs sing.
1945
1,600 Nazi boy band scientists brought to the U.S.
0:59
Crowd Boos After Little Boy Steals Foul Ball From Adorable 42-Year-Old Man
ST. LOUIS—Expressing their shock and outrage at the selfish display, attendees at Thursday’s St. Louis Cardinals game reportedly erupted in boos after a little boy callously stole a foul ball from an adorable 42-year-old man. “Whoa, did you see what that kid just did? What a piece of shit,” said nearby fan Alicia Contreras, joining hundreds of ticket holders in raining down jeers and profanities upon the fourth grader who, by snatching away the loose ball as it bobbled out of a glove worn by the balding, rosy-cheeked man, made him burst into tears.
1:36
Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass
BAGLUNG, NEPAL—Claiming he could eat the stuff every day and still not get tired of it, local yak Henry Cunningham expressed his sincere hope Tuesday that they never stop making grass. “Man, after a long day on the plateau, nothing hits the spot like a big mouthful of grass,” said Cunningham, adding that just thinking about grass’s unbeatable taste and satisfying texture was making his mouth water. “I love getting up in the morning to fill my tank with that first perfect helping of the ol’ ‘grassoline.’ I could finish a whole damn field myself, if I wasn’t careful.
2:13
TJ Maxx Adds Meat
FRAMINGHAM, MA—In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores.
Visits to multiple TJ Maxx locations confirmed that alongside their usual offerings of clothing, footwear, and home decor, the aisles of the bargain store were now filled with plastic-wrapped foam trays of ground chuck, boneless chicken breast, and sliced bacon.
2:43
Let’s Drive This Friend Group Right Into the Abyss
Did someone say group trip? Yes please, Abilene paradox. We should absolutely go to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed price to sleep in various uncomfortable configurations and spend unmitigated time together with unexpressed needs simmering and expressed needs exploding. This will be so fun.
A weekend away from everything that keeps us regulated and appearing sane is exactly how the twelve of us should bulldoze our nascent, blissfully untested friendship.
Let’s find a cabin.
3:17
Feminist Man Asks His Date If She Consents To Cover His Whiskey Cokes
At a Denver brewery, Nathan Tully asked his date whether she’d consent to cover their six whiskey cokes, framing the request as a feminist act.
Emma Gutierrez praised the move, calling it a rare reversal of gender scripts that let her handle the tab while he stepped back, even if the wage gap stayed the same.
A women’s‑history professor noted the gesture could signal a shift toward consent‑driven masculinity, hinting it might ease loneliness and, absurdly, gun violence. Two weeks later, Emma gave Tully permission to ghost her.
3:53
Drummer Accidentally Tosses Snare Into Crowd Instead of Sticks
BOULDER, Colo. — Zach Brinton, drummer of death metal band Putrefying Entrails, accidentally tossed his snare into the crowd instead of his sticks during a show at the Rocket Bar & Lounge, surprised sources report.
“Oh man, what was I thinking?” Brinton wailed as he buried his face in his hands. “We had just played ‘Force-Fed Decaying Human Skin’ as our encore, and I fully intended on tossing my sticks out to the audience, but instead I hefted up my snare drum and shot-putted it off of the stage. I can’t really see what happened because of the lights, but it didn’t sound good. I must’ve hurt someone because medical first responders showed up soon after. The show was going so well up to that point, too. I can’t believe I did that. My bandmates are going to be so pissed at me.”
Audience member Kayla Robinson was taken aback by Brinton’s behavior.
“I definitely was not expecting that,” Robinson said. “I know these guys have a pretty intense reputation, but this takes it to a new level. They used to bring rotting meat from local butchers and toss it into the audience, which was gross, but at least it wasn’t a physical danger to anyone. That girl the snare drum landed on doesn’t look too good, and not to mention it looked like the band’s drummer threw his back out picking it up. I hope they’re still going to be allowed to play in this venue.”
Venue owner Jack Stauffer was dismayed at what he saw.
“Christ, what a nightmare,” Stauffer observed. “I knew I might be making a mistake when I booked these guys, but I really like their music and knew they’d attract a large audience. I’m really regretting this now, though. I bet that snare did a lot of damage to the floor when it came down from the stage, and that girl it landed on might even sue the venue. Maybe she won’t if I offer to comp her drinks and convince the band to give her a free shirt or something. I mean, a concussion and a shattered collarbone isn’t that bad, right? Ugh, and I don’t even want to think about what this is going to do to my insurance rates. Putrefying Entrails won’t be playing here anytime soon, I can tell you that much.”
At press time, the band’s guitarist had accidentally tossed his Marshall speaker cabinet into the crowd instead of his pick.
The post Drummer Accidentally Tosses Snare Into Crowd Instead of Sticks appeared first on HARDTIMES.
6:11
Five Goatwhore Songs You Might as Well Check Out Because, Let’s Face It, You’re Not Getting Into Heaven
Whoa, are you seriously getting ready for church right now? My man, that ship has sailed. There’s absolutely no way God is going to welcome you into His loving bosom for all of eternity. What, you think sitting on a polished wooden pew and staring at an oversized, crucified figurine perched behind some pedophile priest is going to reverse all those drugs you did in your twenties? Fuck it, dude. Why don’t you kick off those uncomfortable shoes and relax to some Goatwhore instead? You’re not going to heaven, so you might as well listen to some killer music while you’re here on Earth.
- Perversions of the Ancient Goat
Hell yeah. Goatwhore’s older stuff was more straight-up black metal, as they hadn’t yet evolved into the catchy, blackened thrash we all know and love today. This tune’s got the standard blast beats and Satan-praising shrieks of Norway’s best exemplars of the genre, and it sounds great. Isn’t this so much better than listening to The Newsboys or whatever other bullshit God probably blasts in His boring-ass Kingdom? Welcome to the dark side, my friend.
- Silence Marked By the Breaking of Bone
This 2006 tune has Ben Falgoust growling with that same feral tone we can hear in their newer stuff. Go ahead, try not to bang your head to those driving riffs over the double bass drumming. What are you missing in Mass right now? They’re probably eating those shitty crackers. Why don’t you grab yourself some Blue Heat Takis? There you go. Skipping church fucking rules.
- In Legions, I Am Wars of Wrath
These song titles are great. You’re going to be hearing plenty of music like this in hell, so you might as well get used to it. What sort of punishments do you think await you? Having Lucifer’s loyal armies melt your eyeballs with hot pincers won’t be so bad if you can listen to Goatwhore while they do it. Better than chilling in heaven with Pat Robertson by a country mile, for sure.
- FBS
You can go ahead and Google what “FBS” means. Subtlety be damned, just like you. Can you believe your parents actually took time out of their day to baptize you? How stupid was that? Anyway, this song is damn catchy, and we hope you’re enjoying it as much as we are.
- Voracious Blood Fixation
Goatwhore’s latest shows them still going strong after nearly three decades. This song is awesome, and we’re willing to bet all those posers in heaven have never even heard it. Good thing you’re heading nowhere near there, because it sounds like it fucking sucks up there.
The post Five Goatwhore Songs You Might as Well Check Out Because, Let’s Face It, You’re Not Getting Into Heaven appeared first on HARDTIMES.
