0:09
NASA Discovers Concerning Lump On Mars
PASADENA, CA—In an unsettling discovery that scientists described as a “potential cause for alarm,” NASA officials confirmed Monday that they had found a concerning lump on Mars. “It’s a large, unmovable mass on Mars that appears firm to the touch, with jagged edges,” said astrobiologist Bryce Varden, noting the location of the growth on the underside of the planet, which he stated “often goes unchecked.” It’s likely a benign build-up of sediment, which is extremely common for a celestial body of that age. “However, it’s better to be safe than sorry, especially given the Red Planet’s long history of direct sun exposure,” he added. “That spot on Jupiter ended up being nothing, but you never know.” Varden added that he would be able to find out more in a few decades when NASA was able to obtain samples from the Perseverance rover and get them over to the lab for examination.
The post NASA Discovers Concerning Lump On Mars appeared first on The Onion.
1:06
One Day I Woke Up And There Were Two Of Me
Growing up, I was always encouraged to be myself. I was taught that every person is different, and that our uniqueness is a great gift. This firm sense of self served me well as I embarked upon a career as a real estate agent, home renovator, and TV personality. But my whole identity was challenged the morning I woke up and there were two of me.
That day changed the way I think about everything.
When I woke up and saw the man lying in bed next to me, I could have been staring at a reflection of myself. His hair was meticulously coiffed and his teeth artificially whitened, but something was a little off. Maybe there was a certain hollowness about the eyes. I screamed in surprise and asked who he was. Then, to my shock, the man responded in what sounded like my own voice and called me brother.
At first I thought it was just a dream brought on by the stress of having too many renovations on my calendar. But when I reached out to touch his face, he gave me a high-five and yelled, “Let’s go make some magic and finish this rehab!”
As we installed wainscoting that day, I started to realize just how similar we really were. This look-alike followed me around Home Depot like a shadow, and when we reached for the same box of panel board nails, we both let out the same forced laugh in perfect unison. It was totally surreal. I remember seeing his face playfully peek through a hole I had hammered into the drywall and thinking, for a half-second, that it was a mirror.
When I called my mother, I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. Is there another me? The question made her as confused as I was, but not for the reason I expected. She claimed he had always been with me. That was impossible, though—I’d never met this man before in my life! She insisted I turn on the tele-
vision and look for myself.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. For years I’d hosted the HGTV series Property Brother, but on my screen now was a show called Property Brothers. As in plural. It was the same logo and everything, but with an “s” at the end. There we were, my doppelgänger and I, side-by-side as we transformed fixer-uppers into dream homes. In episode after episode, we could be seen pulling pranks, ribbing each other, working to ensure each renovation was on time and on budget. Any viewer would assume, falsely, that these two men shared a deep bond.
Pretty soon I’m seeing me and my clone on billboards, on social media, in ads during hockey games. I watched the Daytime Emmys, and someone who was an absolute dead ringer for me was walking Zooey Deschanel down the red the carpet. I couldn’t escape it. Wherever I went, people asked me about my “twin.”
I was left with no choice but to confront this man who claimed to be my brother and called himself Jonathan. I walked into the kitchen where he was picking out tiles for a new backsplash, grabbed a putty knife, and held it to his throat. “Where did you come from?” I yelled. With a wry smile on his face, he calmly instructed me to “take a deep breath” and “trust the process.”
In my ensuing madness, I considered ending Jonathan’s life. We were working on a couple’s forever home, one with beautiful hardwood floors that no one would dream of tearing up to search for a body. The time was right to strike. Yet when I got him alone in our trailer, Jonathan stopped me cold with a dire warning: “If you kill me, you kill yourself.”
Since then, I’ve tried to make my peace with the knowledge that there are two of me in this world. It’s still startling to see his—our—face turning the corner of a hallway in a refurbished condo, but we’ve had fun sharing our wardrobes of slim-fit oxford shirts and well-pressed flannel button-downs. On occasion, I even answer to “Jonathan.” But each morning I wake fearing there could be a third Property Brother out there. The whole experience has left me with one question I just can’t seem to shake:
Who am I?
The post One Day I Woke Up And There Were Two Of Me appeared first on The Onion.
4:52
National Opera Lays Off 200 Phantoms
WASHINGTON—Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O’Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately. “In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the ghastly, mysterious men who haunt our catacombs on this organization’s payroll,” said O’Leary, who expressed regret that the personnel reduction was happening at a time when job openings for egomaniacal opera ghouls were at a historic low. “As much as we appreciate the contributions of these disfigured geniuses, the strain placed upon our balance sheet by rising insurance premiums for phantoms who scramble around on catwalks, as well as the cost of their masks and the candelabras needed to decorate vast and ornate subterranean lairs has left us with no other choice. And while no one doubts the passion of these phantoms, their increased acts of violence and terrorism on our productions have also created a toxic work environment.” O’Leary added that with fewer phantoms on staff, his organization hoped to finally prevent a chandelier from crashing to the ground during every performance.
The post National Opera Lays Off 200 Phantoms appeared first on The Onion.
6:05
Tom Waits White Noise Sound Options
A freight train rolls in at dusk, its low rumble spilling into a scrap‑yard delivery that never quite finishes. In a Sheboygan bar, a broom scrapes the floor just as the night shift winds down, while somewhere else a hailstorm hammers a jalopy’s roof, each clink a reminder that weather never asks permission.
Monty, with spoons for a drum set, taps a barrel fire, the rhythm competing with a minor‑league baseball broadcast leaking through a thin wall of a 1953 flophouse. A one‑eared mule chews oats from a rusted Radio Flyer wagon, its snort syncing with the click of ten‑size wingtips on a worn heel and a fly’s frantic bounce against a Greyhound bus window in August.
The final notes are a chorus of the mundane: a last‑ditch Chesterfield draw, a musical saw scaling an abandoned Viennese opera, a resigned sigh from a dish‑water blonde nursing rotgut, and a carnival cough muffled by a red bandana. All of it folds into a single, oddly comforting white‑noise soundtrack.
7:04
All-American Rejects Play Pop-Up Show During All-American Rejects Set
HAVERFORD, Pa. — The All-American Rejects played a surprise pop-up show during an All-American Rejects set at the Haverford Skatium, sources confirmed.
“I was worried there were technical difficulties during the All-American Rejects show, because the lights suddenly went out and the sound dropped off,” said Pippy Newster, a fan in attendance. “When the lights came back on, a new band was on stage, and they were all wearing these big hats. The sound came back up, and the band threw off the hats. I couldn’t believe it: the All-American Rejects! They played one of their famous pop-up shows with all my favorite songs. And after they ended the pop-up show they continued on with the original show. Would’ve been nice if they didn’t go with the same setlist for both though.”
Fans were in for yet another “dirty little secret.”
“I stopped the pop-up right in the middle of ‘Move Along.’ It was the perfect time to do a pop-up to debut my new solo stuff,” said frontman Tyson Ritter. “So, yeah, it was a pop-up show inside of a pop-up show. If you count the time I stopped to shake off a rat that crawled up my leg, there was another pop-up show inside of that one, too. We might work that into the regular rotation if we can find the rat again.”
Experts disagreed over how many pop-ups within pop-up shows are too many.
“Technically, there is no limit to the number of pop-up shows that can exist within an individual pop-up show. These multi-layered performances by the All-American Rejects provide a tangible example of the multiverse speculations we’ve had for years,” said Denice Nedry, a scientist at the Los Alamos National Laboratory. “It makes me think this nostalgia act from the 2000s spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of infinity prior to launching this comeback tour of secret pop-up shows. For example, when Tyson sings, ‘your subtleties, they strangle me,’ on ‘It Ends Tonight,’ that’s a clear signal he’s confused about how many numbers rest between any two other numbers, such as between zero and one. Some would say the answer is ‘infinity,’ but AAR boldly solves this with ‘pop-up.’ And then to put it in a piece of performance art? Brilliant.”
As of press time, the All-American Rejects hinted at a pop-up show on the next Artemis mission to the moon.
The post All-American Rejects Play Pop-Up Show During All-American Rejects Set appeared first on HARDTIMES.
9:24
Last Chick-fil-A Desegregates
The last Chick‑fil‑A in Heritage, Mississippi finally stopped keeping separate sections for different customers, ending a process that began when the state officially recognized the 13th Amendment in 2013. The company’s “chief pleasure officer” bragged that the private market managed the whole thing in thirteen years, a tidy contrast to the state’s 148‑year lag.
Local patrons seemed more concerned with whether the sauce lineup would get mixed than with the historical weight of the change. One regular, invoking a grandfather’s “always‑smile‑at‑slaves” wisdom, wondered if the next step would be a combined bathroom or a menu overhaul that forces them to choose Cane’s instead.
A sociology professor weighed in, suggesting the whole saga could have been avoided if a Fatburger had taken the spot. She also complained about the ritual of waiting for a staff member to refill drinks, proposing a self‑serve station as a simple fix.
Meanwhile, Chick‑fil‑A tried to smooth things over with a discount aimed at couples named Adam and Eve, deliberately excluding Adam and Steve—a tiny, oddly specific nod to its corporate values.
10:31
Quiz: The Mars Volta Lyrics or Some Random Shit I Heard That Ranting Guy on the Subway Yell?
The Mars Volta have been pushing the limits of progressive, experimental rock for well over twenty years, with their mind-blowing musical passages and bizarre, brain-melting word salad lyrics leaving listeners completely blown away since their inception. You may consider yourself a fan, but are you enough of a die-hard to differentiate between Cedric Bixler-Zavala’s poetic offerings and the rantings of a madman I heard while taking the Fourth
Avenue Line this morning? Let’s find out.
Question: The kiosk in my temporal lobe is shaped like Rosalynn Carter
Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics
While I would not be surprised if I heard that ranting guy on the subway yell this, it’s actually from The Mars Volta’s 2006 tune “Tetragrammaton”. Did you get this one correct, or are you a poser?
Question: I am a deaf con of angora goats
Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics
You guessed “ranting guy on the subway” for this? What kind of Mars Volta fan are you? That ranting guy on the subway is far more coherent than this. Seriously, open your ears for once.
Question: Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed
Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics
This one kind of seems appropriately themed for someone to scream at me on the subway while I’m just trying to get to work, but it’s actually from The Mars Volta’s “Deloused in the Comatorium” album. I’ll give you a free pass here, but you seriously need to shape up for these last two.
Question: I know a girl that was woven in spindle and thread, yeah
Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics
These are clearly The Mars Volta lyrics from their 2012 tune “The Malkin Jewel”. You’ve either never listened to their music, never been on a New York City subway, or both. Either way, you had no business clicking on this quiz and should be ashamed of yourself.
Question: Three half eaten corneas who hit the aureole, stalk the ground
Answer: Both
OK, this was really fucking weird. That ranting guy on the subway looked me in the eyes just as this line from “Televators” played on my earbuds and spoke the words in tandem with the song. I thought it was some kind of weird coincidence at first, but I think this opened up some kind of inter-dimensional portal. Since this happened, everyone I’ve seen has had Jacob’s Ladder-y melting face and is speaking to me in some kind of unrecognizable language that definitely isn’t human. I no longer care about how you’re performing on this quiz. Please, for the love of God, help me!
The post Quiz: The Mars Volta Lyrics or Some Random Shit I Heard That Ranting Guy on the Subway Yell? appeared first on HARDTIMES.
13:01
LeBron James Realizes He Left Brand-New Stick Of Deodorant In Lakers Locker
LOS ANGELES—Audibly whispering “no, no, no” as his mind flashed back to the toiletry item he had neglected to retrieve amid his exit from the Los Angeles Lakers, NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly panicked Wednesday upon remembering that he had left a brand-new stick of deodorant in his locker. “Oh, shit, my deodorant!” said James, lamenting that the stick of Mountain Spring-scented Tom’s of Maine had cost him in excess of $9 and that he had only used it “two, maybe three times” before departing Crypto.com Arena for the final time. “It’s really nice deodorant, too. It’s the kind they sell at Whole Foods. Oh, God, and I just know the bench guys are using it. I gotta go back and get it before they run that thing down to the plastic. God, what a nightmare—I can’t believe I forgot it!” At press time, James was informing his agent that he was now open to returning to the Lakers for the 2026-2027 season.
The post LeBron James Realizes He Left Brand-New Stick Of Deodorant In Lakers Locker appeared first on The Onion.
