0:09
Plot Twist: Shirtless, Jacked Mitch McConnell Emerges From Seclusion “Ready To Fuck”
WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset to rumors that he was dying, if not already dead, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared in public today sporting an incredible physique and a voracious appetite for sex, Washington insiders confirm.
“That’s right bitches, the Mitch is back!” proclaimed the 84-year-old legislator to stunned reporters and colleagues. “Bet you thought I was out, bet you thought your boy Mitch was done, kicked the bucket, out of the picture, but nah, I was just on my Machiavell shit. Making moves in the shadows, watching my enemies reveal themselves, getting strong. Now I am here to pass laws that disenfranchise poor people, and to get my fuck on, and brother, I am all out of poor people. Who wants to go to Pound Town with the McMaster?! Ladies? Hell, gentleman? Whatever, when you got a body this prime, you realize we’re all just God’s children in the dark, know what I’m sayin?”
Even McConnell’s closest allies expressed shock at the elderly senator’s recovery and stunning transformation.
“I had just gotten off the phone, lying to a CNN reporter about recently speaking with Mitch, when there was a knock at the door,” recalled Majority Whip John Barrasso. “I open it and who do I see but a shirtless, freshly oiled Adonis with Mitch McConnell’s face. Before I had time to believe my eyes, he burst into my home, punched me in the face, and made love to my wife. It was the most beautiful moment of my life!”
Doctors were at a loss to explain McConnell’s miraculous recovery.
“When an 84-year-old gets admitted with heart failure just weeks after a stroke, you don’t really expect them to make it out,” said physician Dr. Conrad Hearty. “You certainly don’t expect to see them the next day doing pushups in front of a crowd of swooning nurses and yelling at you to come sit on their back, but that’s how it went down. I guess it just goes to show you the power of hate.”
At press time, sources confirmed McConnell was hard at work drafting an emergency bill to have Kumail Nanji deported immediately.
The post Plot Twist: Shirtless, Jacked Mitch McConnell Emerges From Seclusion “Ready To Fuck” appeared first on HARDTIMES.
2:15
New Couple Blissfully Unaware Relationship Won’t Survive First Game Night
MINNEAPOLIS — New couple Rachel Kim and Tyler Bennett were reportedly blissfully unaware that their relationship would not survive its first game night, with both describing the romance as remarkably easy and natural despite the fact that it was only hours away from collapsing entirely, sources confirmed Friday.
“We just click, you know? We share the same values, communicate well, and just really respect each other,” said Bennett, still unfamiliar with each other’s remarkably specific definitions of fairness and desperate need to be right. “Everything has been so effortless. It feels like we’ve known each other forever. I could see this one going all the way. Can’t wait for game night tonight. I’m really into knowing all the rules. She seems more easygoing about it, but I’m sure that won’t be an issue.”
Game night host and friend, Evan Morales, says he can already see the cracks forming.
“Things started going south the second someone suggested Drawful,” said Morales, noting the whole night was simply a series of increasingly personal attacks disguised as playful trash talk. “Tyler joked that Rachel couldn’t even make stick figures, which clearly hurt her feelings. Then Rachel accused Tyler of giving a psychotic clue during Codenames before telling him he was being too sensitive. Then after a losing round of Mario Party they both took a full 15-minute break in different rooms to cool down. At one point somebody broke out a Bop It hoping it would cut the tension, but somehow that made things way worse. After that it was obvious they were not making it to tomorrow.”
Relationship therapist Dr. Melissa Grant explained the risks game night poses to new couples.
“Early relationships can survive for months or longer on simple attraction and mutual optimism, until game night introduces scorekeeping, rule disputes, and passive-aggressive public humiliation,” said Grant. “That’s when the couple finally gets to see each other’s full personality, communication style, and capacity for handling minor perceived injustices. It forces the couple to let their guard down and expose their underlying paranoid insecurities that everyone they know and love secretly hates them. Typically, relationships require a full game of Monopoly or Cards Against Humanity to completely dissolve, but honestly, I’ve seen one round of Bananagrams send couples right off a fucking cliff.”
At press time, the couple had reportedly begun using the word “babe” as a slur.
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4:45
Angine de Poitrine Ask Opener If They Have a Double-Necked Microtonal Guitar/Bass They Can Borrow After Gear Stolen
SEATTLE — French-Canadian experimental rock duo Angine de Poitrine scrambled to find replacements for their specialized instruments after their van was broken into, sources confirm.
“The tour was going wonderfully, but then some jerk stole our stuff,” said guitarist Khn de Poitrine via a translator. “We were in a cafe enjoying coffee and croissants—which takes considerable time due to our cumbersome masks, which we never remove—and we came outside to find our van ransacked and much of our equipment missing. When we arrived at the venue, I asked our opener if I could borrow one of their double-necked microtonal guitar/basses but they claimed they didn’t have one. Luckily, I was able to improvise a solution.”
Opening band Dry Thigh said they did their best to help out the pair.
“It was a little hard to understand them due to the language barrier and their voices being muffled by the masks,” said guitarist Jennifer Maxwell. “But we gathered they wanted to borrow an instrument from us. After a while they walked off with one of our guitars. I was happy to help them out—until I saw them sawing slits in the neck so they could install extra frets. They had also duct-taped a bass to the guitar. I tried to wrestle the instruments back from them but I kept getting hit in the face with their giant swinging dick noses, so I gave up. That being said, they put on a good show.”
Veteran guitar tech Henry Quint always advises bands he’s working with to tour with backup gear.
“Ordinarily, borrowing a guitar from another band on the bill is no big deal,” said Quint while winding cables in the proper way. “I once loaned a guitar to Evan Dando after he traded his for some dope right before a show. But if you’ve got customized gear, it’s going to be harder to borrow a replacement. One time I was doing tech for a band that opened for Rammstein. Apparently, the airline lost their guitar/flamethrower thing, so they asked if they could borrow one of ours. I had to explain that none of our guitars shoot 30-foot geysers of fire.”
At press time, a local petty criminal had reportedly attempted to pawn Angine de Poitrine’s iconic double-necked instrument, as well as a set of black-and-white polka-dotted monogrammed luggage.
The post Angine de Poitrine Ask Opener If They Have a Double-Necked Microtonal Guitar/Bass They Can Borrow After Gear Stolen appeared first on HARDTIMES.
7:07
Copyright My Ass, I’m Naming Our Band the “Misfits”
There’s a growing sentiment about how us white boys aren’t starting bands anymore and how it’s contributed to the decline in civilization, but that’s only half true. We are starting bands, but in my view, it feels like all the good names are already taken. And I’m not about to degrade myself and name our band after something that already exists but spelled wrong, like Soop.
So I’m saying fuck it, I don’t care if the name is already taken, popular, and heavily copyrighted, we’re calling ourselves the Misfits.
Is it crazy? Definitely. But what could be more subversive and attention-grabbing than naming ourselves after the most famous horror punk band of all time? Though, just to be clear, our sound is more of a garage punk, surfer rock vibe, so it’s not like we’re completely copying Misfits. I think we can get away with it on a technicality. Although we do have one song about vampires. Hopefully, nobody will notice.
Also, it’s not like this is a new idea. Lots of bands in the 80’s had the same name! You think the English Beat and U.K. Subs were their original names? If shit gets too hot and the lawyers come knocking, we’ll just move to Northern England and call ourselves Manchester Misfits. It’s completely foolproof.
We even mulled some ironic, adjacent names like “The Other Misfits” or “Misfits Too”, but we felt it had parallel, negative connections to the Michale Graves years, so we decided to keep it simple.
Besides, it’s not like we’re calling ourselves the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. That would be insane, because their lawyers are terrifying. Worst-case scenario, Danzig shows up at one of our houses with a hunting knife made from human bone, in which case we will simply allow our bass player to be sacrificed in hopes that it’ll be enough to satisfy our blatant disregard for trademarks.
Now I know that you’re all thinking, “But what about the merch and touring,” blah blah blah. Two words: cash only. I’d like to see the band sue us if there’s no paper trail! Plus we’ll land gigs last minute once promoters see the fucking Misfits want to play their dive bars. And once the places are packed out and the devil-locked crowd realizes five minutes in, we are not going to sing about werewolves, it’ll be too late. But that’s how you build a fanbase nowadays, right?
The post Copyright My Ass, I’m Naming Our Band the “Misfits” appeared first on HARDTIMES.
9:25
Planned Parenthood Regains Federal Funding
Planned Parenthood regained access to federal funding for non-abortion care after a ban in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act was not renewed, the result of Republican legislative priorities being directed elsewhere. What do you think?
“Jesus, do I need to blow up everything myself?”
Dillon Raver, Chalk Packager
“Massive legislative incompetence takes away healthcare, massive legislative incompetence brings it back.”
Tad Bardy, Solution Deployer
“Good, my condom was starting to wear out.”
Gabriella Mataya, Pudding Packager
The post Planned Parenthood Regains Federal Funding appeared first on The Onion.
10:04
President Trump’s Mind Is Too Advanced to Be Constrained by Reality
“‘We had 111 missiles shot by the Islamic Republic of Japan. They were shot at the aircraft carrier,’ Trump said, inventing a new government and confusing Japan with Iran.” — The New Republic
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The White House would like to address the malicious rumors that President Trump is showing signs of cognitive decline. Nothing could be further from the truth.
What some have mistaken for confusion is actually a revolutionary new style of executive thinking that refuses to be imprisoned by cause and effect, which the president has correctly identified as a Marxist concept invented by woke Islamist radicals. The president’s mind doesn’t merely think outside the box. He reinvents the box as a more effective triangular shape, then imposes tariffs on countries that use triangles without paying him a licensing fee.
Yesterday he called us into the Oval Office to brief us on the nation’s maritime preparedness. He explained the unique dangers presented by electric boats, because if one sinks, the electricity immediately travels into the ocean and informs every shark in a twenty-mile radius that lunch is served, much like an undersea dinner bell, only silent and made from “bzzt,” as the president eloquently put it. At that point, he became concerned that the sharks themselves might become electrically charged, resulting in what he described as “wireless fish,” which, unlike ordinary fish, cannot be unplugged but can be remotely hacked by China. He then asked if we had someone responsible for negotiating with electrically enhanced, China-mind-controlled sharks, and if not, why the Biden administration had allowed such a security risk to develop.
The president continues to work tirelessly on a solution to that problem but is leaning toward stronger international cooperation, which has proven immensely effective during the recent escalation with the Islamic Republic of Japan. As the President noted on July 8, 111 missiles were launched by the republic from somewhere in the vicinity of Upper Kyoto Voivodeship, outside the capital city of Mount Fuji. Fortunately, thanks to the cooperation of our allies in the Principality of Nintendo and the Pan-Pacific Emirate of Hello Kittystan, nearly all projectiles were intercepted. The president has spoken directly with Arch-Premier Sony, who expressed optimism that peace in the region can be restored, provided the ancient blood feud between the Toyota Caliphate and the Presbyterian Mitsubishi Cooperative can be settled.
President Trump also concluded a very productive phone call this morning with Crown Prince Minister Emmanuel Macron of the Autonomous Territory of Parisland, one of the founding village-states of the European Peninsula. Their discussion focused on strengthening NATO, which the president is pretty sure includes the Sovereign Archipelago of Hungary, the Polish Buddhist Republic, the Queendom of Czechoslovenia, the Balkan Empire of Iceland, the Free Commune of Belgium and West Dakota, and the southern tip of Luxembourg Island.
While navigating the complex, wireless shark-filled waters of global geopolitics, the president assured us he is constantly consulting with experts like Dr. Hannibal Lecter, whom he regards as one of our country’s most underutilized thought leaders. He explained that if a cannibal is smart enough to convince people they are insane, he’s probably smart enough to “solve the Middle East.” Before anyone could interrupt, President Trump, as if reading our minds, admitted he had become concerned that Hannibal Lecter, living in a glass cage, could make people mistake him for a lobster. “That’s precisely the kind of security risk that Office Manager Kim John Xi of the Democratic Royals’ Parish of China would immediately pounce on,” our wise leader said. “Despite him being my best friend who I love and respect dearly.”
The White House would also like to put to rest the media’s dishonest attacks on the president’s understanding of wind turbines. No one understands wind turbines better than President Trump, and therefore no one better understands their hidden dangers. During last month’s energy briefing, he expertly explained that, in the long term, windmills consume too much wind, forcing fresh wind to be imported from Canada at tremendous taxpayer cost. This, he said, is why particularly windy days are always followed by calm ones, because America has temporarily run out of wind. His plan to provide emergency relief wind via specially trained Big Bad Wolves huffing and puffing is currently undergoing feasibility testing at NASA.
We hope these very normal explanations ease your confusion. Again, President Trump is not experiencing mental decline. His consciousness is simply operating at such a breathtaking speed that reality sometimes fails to keep up with him.
