0:05
Raw Milk Advocate Now Diarrhea Advocate
EAST TROY, Wis. — Content creator and raw milk advocate Chaz Mossner announced his advocacy of diarrhea today via TikTok live stream, massively dehydrated sources confirmed.
“As my hundred of thousands of followers know, government regulation is bullshit,” declared Mossner, sitting on the toilet for the third consecutive hour. “I believe in food freedom. If I want to drink raw milk filled with so-called ‘pathogens,’ that’s my right. It’s in the Constitution, look it up. Literally no one can tell me what I can and can’t do to my body. The explosive diarrhea is just a sign that my body craves unpasteurized liquids.”
Longtime Mossner follower and MAHA supporter Brayden Peterson discussed the benefits of raw milk.
“Bruh, I drink raw milk so my body literally shits out all the toxins on the daily,” said Peterson, his stomach gurgling loudly. “Listen, my body’s in a constant state of flux. And by ‘flux,’ I mean I’m constantly shitting my goddamn brains out. Total efficiency. Everything out, all the time. Can’t get food poisoning if you can’t digest anything. Chaz taught me the value of having liquid bowel movements several times per day, including incredible weight loss. These abs are all natty, bruh, and all it takes is the frequent risk of shitting my pants at work.”
Epidemiologist Dr. Ann Blihovde explained the foolishness of this new health trend.
“Dangerous health fads like raw milk or MAHA are just grifts, pure and simple,” argued Dr. Blihovde. “And they always hurt the followers rather than the influencers and advocates because the latter are mostly doing it performatively or ironically for content. Look at those maxxing idiots. They don’t believe any of this nonsense, but their followers eat—or, in this case, drink—it up and wind up in the emergency room. Influencers are grifters, and we live in the golden age of grifting. That said, even if you’re giving yourself explosive diarrhea ironically or to prove a point, you’re still giving yourself explosive diarrhea.”
At press time, Mossner suggested drinking syrup of ipecac as a potential alternative to raw milk in the event that “they” step in and take away citizens’ food freedom.
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0:59
Drummer Not Interviewed
GRETNA, La. — In an interview with pop-punk quartet Nuevo Leon, rock journalist Sophia Tang absolutely stonewalled the band’s drummer, choosing instead to spotlight their lead singer, guitarist, and bassist, unfazed sources reported.
“I just can’t believe I got these three visionaries in one room at the same time,” said Tang, whose work focuses largely on musicians who stand upright and downstage. “It’s amazing to see artists with such a strong sense of collaboration and no ego. Every song they write is credited equally to these three, and I even got them all to sign a poster for my niece—after, of course, we Xacto-knifed the weird guy in the back.”
Drummer Steve Arizona revealed he was present at the time of the interview but “pretty tied up” taking care of chores.
“Yeah, there’s always stuff to do during downtime when we’re not touring or recording. I had to sweep the rehearsal space, wash the dishes, load the van, offer the interviewer a drink, offer the band a drink, and buy a gift for our tour manager whose birthday’s coming up,” said the band’s founder. “At one point I was caught lingering because I knew the answer to the question. [Tang] had asked the meaning behind our hit song ‘Kurtzville,’ which I wrote. I tried to butt in, but I was shushed and had to stand by while our frontman guessed his way through an answer.”
Foo Fighters’ lead singer Dave Grohl said the drummer “snub” didn’t surprise him at all.
“I couldn’t believe the metamorphosis that took place when I moved from drums to vocals. It was like entering a portal into a new world,” said the drummer-turned-fronman. “Suddenly I was getting invited to parties, giving advice to young musicians, signing autographs, and even getting calls from my mom—who’d finally told her friends I was in the music biz. Nirvana was possibly the greatest grunge band of all time, but nobody cared about me until I stepped out from behind the drums. It gave me a greater appreciation for drummers everywhere and taught me never to take them for granted.”
At press time, Grohl was writing a heartfelt thank-you letter to his drummer but had snagged on trying to remember his name.
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1:51
Looksmaxxing? This Punk Took a Shower
Derek “Squirrel Bones” Leonard, a crust‑punk who’s built his reputation on never buying toilet paper, posted an Instagram reel admitting he finally took a shower. The piece frames this as a new wave of “looksmaxxing”—the internet‑fueled obsession with extreme self‑improvement—now infiltrating subcultures that once prized grime as identity.
In the mainstream, looksmaxxing usually means gym sessions or jaw‑line surgery; in punk, simply not smelling like stale beer and vomit is enough to raise eyebrows. The article jokes that a single lather could topple a delicate ecosystem of lice, fungus, and bacteria cultivated over years of neglect.
Leonard claims the clean‑up is already attracting women, but the writer argues any romance with a freshly‑showered punk is doomed, given the mismatch with “normie” lifestyles—coffee mugs, 401(k)s, stable futures. The tone drifts into a mock‑serious warning: what’s next? Dental hygiene? Non‑alcoholic drinks? Moving out of the car?
Ultimately, the piece treats the shower as a betrayal of punk authenticity, suggesting that the “nihilistic” lifestyle was a youthful rebellion now outgrown. It ends with a tongue‑in‑cheek call to keep the punk “at risk” supplied with PBR, lest they drift too far from the scene’s original ethos.
2:22
Right-Wing Evangelical Thought Leader Assures Followers They Don’t Have To Tolerate Jewish People To Find Israel’s Ethno-Religious Apartheid Appealing
LYNCHBURG, Va. — Pastor Ned Hendry of the New Life in the Living and Loving Waters of Jesus Church in Lynchburg assured his followers that American Evangelicals can still find Israel’s ethno-religious apartheid system appealing without the burden of liking Jewish people, confirmed sources.
“Sometimes, game has to recognize game even if they don’t like it,” said Hendry. “I can be a Bible-thumping red-blooded Christian who thinks the average Jewish person is in a conspiracy against him and still recognize that the Zionist movement is one of the most effective apartheid movements since the liberals dismantled the beautiful, beautiful state of Rhodesia. That’s why I always tell my followers they don’t have to get palsy-walsy with the J-O-Os to appreciate the construction of a religion and race-based ethnostate. We’ll build a new one here. And we’ll do it without those types of people.”
This is a message that Hendry’s flock has embraced with open arms, open ears and closed minds.
“I was so relieved to hear him say that,” said congregant Pamela Grant. “I like the idea of a society that oppresses people based on identity. And I like the idea that returning the Jewish people to Israel will trigger the Christian rapture; an idea that makes almost too much sense. But the thought of getting buddy-buddy with people of other religions and other viewpoints makes me uncomfortable. There’s very little room in my theology for tolerance of others.”
Hendry’s messaging has even resonated in top levels of government, with a senator who chose to remain anonymous.
“It just warms my heart to see America’s Christian-Right begrudgingly pretending to have always been on good terms with Jewish people,” said the senator. “It lets us pretend we’re the non-racist ones despite decades of evidence to the contrary while also spurring on a culture war between Jews and Muslims that should play out just nicely in our favor.”
At press time, Hendry was writing a letter to Congress asking to include copies of the “Ned Hendry New and Enhanced Sing Along Bible” in all the arms shipments going to Tel Aviv in the hopes that “old Bibi might switch over.”
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3:20
Turkish President Gives Handguns To NATO Leaders
Erdoğan decided the best way to flaunt Turkey’s defense sector was to hand each NATO chief a custom‑engraved revolver, complete with six live rounds. The gesture, meant as a showcase of domestic arms production, landed on the diplomatic table alongside a subtle reminder that Turkey can manufacture its own sidearms.
Commentators quickly pointed out the irony of gifting weapons to allies who already field millions of similar pieces, noting the redundancy of checking inventories before presenting a firearm. One quip likened the move to offering a grenade for NATO’s anniversary, underscoring the mismatch between the symbolic gift and the practical reality of collective defense.
The piece also highlighted the personal reactions of the recipients, ranging from bewildered to amused, as they compared the new revolvers to more mundane gifts like socks. The overall tone suggests that the ceremony was less about strengthening ties and more about staging a theatrical display of national industry.
In short, Turkey’s president turned a diplomatic gift into a showcase of home‑grown firepower, prompting a chorus of dry jokes about the practicality and timing of such a present.
3:49
Kerry King Inspires Man to Uselessly Fuck Around on Guitar for 40 Years
WESTMINSTER, Md. — Slayer guitarist Kerry King reportedly inspired local man Evan Tremont to uselessly fuck around on the guitar for the next four decades of his life, report concerned friends and family.
“I’ve wanted to play guitar for years, but as a metal fan, it can be pretty intimidating to think I could ever play music like this,” said Tremont while nervously picking a single note at 320 beats per minute. “When I heard Slayer and their trademark rapid picking while haphazardly catching a few dissonant notes in quick succession while cranking a wah pedal back and forth at seemingly random intervals, it all seemed very possible. I could just envision the years flying by and not learning a god damn thing about this instrument I’ll dedicate my life to.”
Tremont’s girlfriend Rebecca Thomas was less enthusiastic about the plan, and was hoping at some point he might try to improve even just a little bit.
“I’m really not sure how much longer I can take this shit,” said Thomas while searching Amazon for noise-cancelling headphones. “He keeps coming up to me and saying he learned a new song, then proceeds to just dick around all over the neck without any clue what the fuck he’s doing. It’s really shaken my plans for the future, this isn’t a phase, he’s settling in and it’s never going to get better.”
King, who saw a short clip of Tremont playing, was immediately impressed.
“For a guy that’s only practiced for like 15 minutes he seems to have all the tools he needs, he sounded really good,” said King while dusting off his guitar which sat unused for several months despite being literally within reach of his spot on the couch. “He was shredding on ‘Raining Blood,’ so fast I could barely even make it out…or maybe it was ‘South of Heaven’? Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter. If this guy approaches this with no plan, zero determination and absolutely no desire to practice, he could one day uselessly fuck around on the guitar for 40 years just like me.”
At press time, Tremont was suddenly inspired by Meg White to try his hand at fucking around on drums for 3o years or so.
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4:42
Yeah, Trump Is Bad, but Things Would Be Much Worse Under Bill Goldberg — Guest Post by Bret Hart
Look, I know things are hard for you. Gas prices are high. Groceries are worse. Everything feels expensive, unstable, and like the world is held together barely. I get that frustration. But that does not mean we should ever consider Bill Goldberg for president. That’s for sure.
We need to be clear about this. Bill Goldberg is not just a bad idea. Bill Goldberg is a very specific kind of bad idea. And while people argue about Donald Trump, at least Donald Trump wrote things. About deals. You may not like them, but Donald Trump produced words, thoughts, and sentences, and it became a book. You wanna know what Bill Goldberg’s deal was? Bill Goldberg draws pictures of Bill Goldberg with speech bubbles that say, “I am awesome.” That is not policy. That’s Bill Goldberg.
It’s going to get worse if you still love Bill Goldberg. Foreign policy? This is serious. We are dealing with wars, alliances, trade routes, and global instability. You need someone who can sit in a room and think before acting. You do not put Bill Goldberg in a meeting with world leaders because Bill Goldberg is going to forget where Bill Goldberg is, stand up too fast, and accidentally kick someone in the head out of pure muscle memory. Suddenly, Angela Merkel has to retire because Bill Goldberg kicked Angela Merkel in the head. Don’t shoot the messenger. Bill Goldberg is no Disco Inferno. I like Disco Inferno. To my knowledge, Disco Inferno never kicked nobody in the head. Not like Bill Goldberg.
Then there is the Strait of Hormuz. You do not want that controlled by instinct and shoulder tackles. You want planning, briefings, and strategy. Bill Goldberg only has one strategy, and that is walking forward and asking who is next. Bill Goldberg would just headbutt a few Iranians, get tired, and get paid. That works in wrestling. Barely. But in America, we expect results. Like not getting a concussion. From Bill Goldberg.
I mean, compare Bill Goldberg to history. George W. Bush read briefings. George W. Bush asked questions. Abraham Lincoln held the country together through patience and moral clarity. Bill Goldberg once forgot what Bill Goldberg was saying mid-sentence, ran into a production crate, and gave Bill Goldberg a concussion. That is not the same category of skill.
And that is really the point.
Because in the end, Bill Goldberg is not a solution to anything.
Bill Goldberg is a 0 out of 10.
Fuck Bill Goldberg.
Bill Goldberg.
…Bill Goldberg.
The post Yeah, Trump Is Bad, but Things Would Be Much Worse Under Bill Goldberg — Guest Post by Bret Hart appeared first on HARDTIMES.
5:45
GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag
You know, I was reading this article about Mitch McConnell and it's just... it's a thing. So, his allies are saying they met with him inside a body bag, which is already pretty surreal, but then they're talking about how relieved they were that it was really him. I mean, they had their doubts, but when the technician unzipped the body bag and they crawled in next to him, they were like, "Oh, yeah, that's Mitch." They're saying he was quiet and contemplative, which is actually kind of a good thing, because they're worried about him being too loud and obnoxious. And then they put him back in the body bag and they're all like, "Yeah, we're good, we're good." It's just... I don't know, it's just a weird situation.
6:04
Viewer Who’s Never Voted in Local Election Cannot Wait To Vote in Love Island’s
Boise, ID – Local woman Hannah Shepard, who has not changed her voter registration since moving four years ago, cannot wait to vote in Love Island’s upcoming final vote.
“Voting is the most important pillar of a functioning reality show. It’s our civic duty as Americans to make our voices heard, especially since international fans can’t,” Shepard said about making sure her favorite couple, “Brinity,” wins. “If we’re not making our voices heard, then others will, and we might not like what they stand for, like, they might think Sincere has changed, and real ones know he hasn’t!”
Friends of Shepard say this is the most excited she’s ever been about voting in her life.
“I tried to get Hannah to care about any of our local elections, but she said it’s too much work to research the candidates. Now she’s watching the show every day, episode recaps on Instagram, plus she even watches Aftersun to make sure she’s up to speed on all the drama,” Gracie Lu, Shepherd’s roommate, explained. “I guess if our school board members could clamslam like Kenzie, maybe she’d care?”
Political scientists have pointed to Love Island voting trends as something the Democratic Party could learn from.
“People who’ve never cared about voting in their life are voting multiple times a season. If the Democratic Party ran candidates as exciting as Carl, or at least as polarizing as KC and Titi, people might actually care about getting out to the polls,” Political scientist Lisa Smith explained. “But, the only lesson the Dems would take from this is to send Gavin Newsom onto next season, and he’s probably more evil than Corbin was.”
At press time, Shepard was found canvasing her neighborhood to get people to download the Love Island app, yelling “Brinity or bust!”
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6:50
World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things
WASHINGTON—Having been provided with a powerful reminder that legs were not merely for standing around on, millions of Americans confirmed Friday that the World Cup had reinvigorated their interest in kicking things. “Seeing all these guys kicking balls on TV has really opened my eyes to how satisfying it is to swing your legs around and hit things with your feet and knees,” said Omaha, NE, resident Darren Montrose, one of the many thousands of Americans across the nation who have reported feeling inspired by all the kicking at the World Cup and looked down at their own legs and wondered what nearby objects they might be able to strike with the pair of limbs. “Just this morning, I kicked my car, I kicked an old can. I tried to kick a bug, but I missed. Then my two sons and I spent the whole afternoon just kicking things in the yard together. I know I’m never going to kick as well as the players in the World Cup—I mean, those guys practice kicking literally every day—but they reminded me that it’s important to kick what you can with the legs you’ve got.” At press time, Montrose had reportedly joined a group of friendly strangers who had spontaneously come together to kick a parking meter.
The post World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things appeared first on The Onion.
