0:04
Matt Damon Defends Dunkin’ Product Placement In Nolan’s ‘Odyssey’
BROOKLYN, NY—Explaining that the prominent iced coffees and chocolate-glazed Munchkins were essential to director Christopher Nolan’s adaptation of the ancient Greek epic, actor Matt Damon defended Tuesday the placement of Dunkin’ Donuts products in the upcoming film The Odyssey.
0:16
Guy Violently Coughing On Bus Better Just Have Throat Cancer
CHICAGO—Watching in horror as the wheezing man hacked directly into his palm before grabbing the nearest handrail, local bus passenger Derek Lawson told reporters Thursday that the guy violently coughing across the aisle from him better just have throat cancer.
0:26
Study Finds Gen Z Telepaths Lack Attention Span To Read Even Single Mind
BERKELEY, CA—Raising the alarm about an issue that could have long-term consequences for American youth, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, published a study Wednesday that found the majority of Generation Z telepaths lacked the attention span to read even a single mind.
0:38
Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad
PARIS—In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. “Sorry, when I said I’m from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario,” said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never been to the United States but had heard some “pretty crazy things” about the “stuff going on down there.” “Yeah, it sure seems like those Yanks have gone way off the deep end. I can’t believe they elected that guy either.
0:58
Text Messages from the Mall Food Court Kiosk Where I Am Trying to Order a Chicago-Style Hot Dog
Your total is $6.99.
You added relish. Your total is $7.99.
You added mustard. Your total is $8.99.
You tried to remove mustard. Your total is $9.99.
You tried to add ketchup. What is wrong with you? Your total is $12.99.
We queried the Google Maps API and saw the closest open restaurant is 40 minutes away. Your total is $17.99.
You added sport peppers. Your total is $18.99.
We noticed you’ve been drinking at the dinky bar next door for the last four hours and are assuming you’re pretty desperate. Your total is $26.99.
You added a pickle spear.
1:19
Introducing: MAN-THOLOGY, by Alpha Male Guru, Chud Buffly
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Alpha Master Chud Buffly has hunted and gathered his most elite tips and musings into a daily reading that will allow all men to achieve peak performance with only the most primal practices, protocols, and powders.
