Jul 17, 2026 · 4 min listen · Last updated July 17, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief for July 17th. Wit, July 17th. Seven from the writers' rooms and the open mics — here's the one I keep thinking about. Let's get into it. First, from McSweeney's Internet Tendency.
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Daily Comedy Brief · July 17th
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We Need to Stop This Reckless Rhetoric About Abolishing the Thought Police
You know, I was reading this article about the Thought Police and I couldn't help but think it's a bit absurd that people are calling for its abolition. I mean, the Thought Police have been around for over 40 years, which is longer than some of our greatest cultural achievements like the Segway and the Furby. They've been modernizing and adapting to the times, expanding their mandate to include facial expressions, private conversations, and suspicious silences. Critics say they focus too much on ordinary citizens, but honestly, it's just more efficient that way. And let's be real, if every law enforcement agency only focused on wrongdoers, they'd never need to grow or expand. Infinite growth is what all government agencies should strive for, right? The Thought Police are just trying to create a healthier society where citizens are polite and paranoid, and gossip goes down. They're not perfect, but they're an institution, and true greatness is measured by how hard it is to get rid of them. So, no, let's not abolish the Thought Police just yet.
‘Hunt For Gollum’ Director Andy Serkis Defends Film’s All–Andy Serkis Cast
So Andy Serkis is defending the all-Andy Serkis cast in his new Lord of the Rings film, saying it's not his fault the characters in the books are all, well, Andy Serkis. He claims Middle-earth is just a very Serkian place and he's not going to cast anyone else just to tick diversity boxes. He even points out that J.R.R. Tolkien was inspired by Norse mythology, which is full of old men who voiced apes in reboots. Fox News is praising him for rejecting the 'politically correct' status quo, which is just great.
Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights
An Argentine court ruled that two goldfish rescued from a sushi‑house aquarium qualify as sentient beings and therefore deserve legal protection. The decision treats the fish the same way a court would a human plaintiff, obliging owners to respect their newly recognized rights.
The judgment hinges on a narrow definition of sentience that the court stretched to include the fish’s ability to feel pain, a move that feels less like jurisprudence and more like an elaborate practical joke. The legal reasoning reads like an exercise in stretching language until it snaps, highlighting how the law sometimes reaches for relevance in the most unexpected places.
Reactions have been a mix of bewilderment and amusement. Commentators point out that the fish now have attorneys, and that the case will likely become a footnote in discussions about the limits of animal‑rights legislation. The story, originally a satire piece, underscores the absurdity of extending human legal frameworks to creatures that spend their lives in glass bowls.
You know, I was reading this piece from The Onion about AI myths and facts. So, apparently, a lot of Americans are worried about AI, which is understandable, but they're also way off on what it can actually do. Like, people think AI can't be ethical, but some company called Grok says it can. I mean, I don't know what their criteria are, but okay.
Another thing people are worried about is AI curing all diseases, but it's actually going to keep some of the nasty ones around, just in case humans get too out of line. I guess that's a thing to consider. And then there's the whole "AI can predict the future" thing, but it turns out that power was only available to Miss Cleo, so we're not missing out on much.
People are also freaking out about losing their jobs to AI, but it seems like we're still a few years away from AI models that can even sell molly to high schoolers, so I think we're good for now. And finally, there's the whole "AI is trained on illegally scraped data" thing, but apparently, no data is illegal on stolen land, which is a whole other can of worms.
I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into this, but it seems like people are way more worried about AI than they need to be.
Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife
Mitch McConnell told reporters his recent disappearance from the Senate floor was nothing more than a scheduled excursion to the afterlife. He framed the trip as a routine diplomatic mission, saying he’s been shuttling between heaven and hell all year, meeting with celestial and infernal officials to advance American interests. The tone was calm, as if arranging a weekend getaway to a different plane of existence were as ordinary as a business class flight.
He added that his colleague Lindsey Graham has joined him in creating an afterlife task force, a joint effort to keep U.S. influence alive beyond the mortal realm. According to McConnell, the experience has been “fruitful,” especially the conversations held in the underworld, though he expressed a preference for returning to the United States and resuming his legislative duties.
The statement was meant to reassure the public that there was no cause for alarm, positioning the otherworldly visits as part of a broader, albeit unconventional, foreign‑policy strategy. No further details were offered, and the Senate will continue without him while he wraps up his celestial itinerary.
Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During ‘The Odyssey’
Christopher Nolan apparently stormed a theater bathroom, bat raised, after spotting a fan mid‑movie. He dragged the guy off the toilet, smashed the porcelain seat, and warned him about missing the “incredible IMAX” moments he was about to lose.
The director’s tirade escalated into a full‑blown lecture about the viewer’s third‑time attendance and an imagined punishment involving candy through a tube. He even called out the patron’s AMC Stubs A‑List status as if it mattered in the middle of a restroom showdown.
All of this, of course, is satire from The Onion, riffing on the absurdity of a filmmaker turning a simple bathroom break into a cinematic showdown. The piece plays the scenario up to eleven, highlighting how quickly reverence for a director can morph into a farcical, over‑the‑top confrontation.
Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap
KANSAS CITY, MO—Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, now?” said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers. “I thought I was safe—the guy’s hitting .240 with five homers all year.
Wife’s Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits
DAYTON, OH—Jeering that the other man’s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife’s muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday.
As Your Manager, I Don’t Think It’s Too Much to Ask That You Read My Mind
The manager calls a meeting because employees keep missing tasks that were never actually assigned. Instead of using written or verbal requests, the boss expects the team to magically know what’s needed, treating any lack of mind‑reading as a performance issue. Repeated “unmentioned” deadlines, surprise meetings, and even a missed ice‑cream request become evidence of a “serious problem,” and the manager blames the staff for asking clarifying questions, insisting a simple “yes” should suffice.
The memo then flips the complaint, suggesting the employee should have disclosed an inability to read thoughts on their résumé and hinting at absurd accommodations—medication, invasive surgery, or night classes with a mystic—to fix the gap. It even warns against over‑reading, citing privacy violations like discovering salary differences or secret naps.
In the closing, the manager asks for “actionable change,” promising fewer yelling sessions if the team learns to anticipate every desire, while reminding them that the boss isn’t a mind reader either. The whole thing reads like a satire of unreasonable expectations and the illusion that leadership can be telepathic.
