**It never fails, Y’all. **
Every October, right on schedule, I witness the most hateful . . . *the most vicious *. . . the most un-Christ like behavior go down all over social media.
I read endless threads full of unprovoked attacks on a perfectly innocent confection that ain’t never done nothin’ to nobody. And I have come to the theological conclusion that people who log onto social media posting comments and memes about how much they HATE candy corn because it tastes like “Satan’s earwax” or his “dental plaque” are not walking in the light of the Lord.
And quite frankly Y’all, I have reached my breaking point over all this candy corn slander and I fear for their souls because Black Jesus does not love these kind of people. *He doesn’t. *Scripture is very clear that the Lord hates a “lying tongue” and Matthew 7:1 clearly says, “Judge not, lest ye be not judged.” In other words, you cannot serve Black Jesus and walk around with with candy corn hatred in your heart.
Now, I know Y’all have watched this annual ritual where the leaves start to turn, acorns drop to the ground, they start sellin’ pumpkin spice everydamnthing, and folk suddenly become possessed by an inexplicable need to announce: **“YUUUUUCK! I CAN’T STAND CANDY CORN. CANDY CORN IS SO NASTY.” **Followed by a string of green vomit emoji.
They’re so disrespectful with this foolishness. They say that MY beloved candies are Satan’s toenails. Or they taste like a melted Yankee candle. Or some damn sweetened earwax. And I always sit there reading and frowning at those comments like, “Umm, can we talk about how the hell y’all know all this?”
Did you candy corn haters go to hell and suck on the devil’s toes? Did you give the devil a pedicure and chew on his nail clippings? Did you get the Yankee candle from Bath & Body Works or HomeGoods? Did you spread it on a cracker after you melted it or did you eat with a spoon? Did the whole room smell like Pumpkin Spice after you burped? When y’all say candy corn tastes like earwax, whose ears are y’all diggin’ in and how many people's ears did you sample before you confidently established that candy corn tastes EXACTLY LIKE EARWAX?!!
Lissen, it’s hard enough being a Black woman in Donald Trump’s fascist dying American empire. And so I have to find little, ordinary things that bring me joy. But every time I profess my love for these tiny, tricolored sugary triangles, here come the haters tryin’ to steal my joy. What has candy corn done to YOU? Seriously. Tell me. How were you hurt?
Y’all won’t admit it, but candy corn is DELIGHTFUL. I mean, just look at it. They are tiny pieces of edible autumn, mini traffic cone of pure happiness, and three beautiful layers of sugary perfection. I’m eating a handful right now as I write this piece for Y’all at 7 am on a Saturday morning.
And let me tell Y’all, I eat my candy corns the proper way. Which means that you don’t just grab a fistful of them and shove ‘em in your mouth like you’re some kind of godless barn animal. What you gotta do is you take ONE PIECE and hold it between the tips of two fingers for like seven seconds at least. Then you contemplate it. You commune with it. And then you thank Black Jesus and the ancestors for the joy for which you are about to receive for the nourishment of your body, Amen. And thennnn you bite off the little white tip first. Then the orange part. Then you eat the fat yellow bottom last. Or you can switch it around and do the fat yellow part first if the spirit of Black Jesus moves you in that direction. It don’t matter.
My point is that eating these triangular blessings that Black Jesus’s daddy placed before you is a sacred ritual that requires patience and reverence and appreciation. And that’s why the haters be hatin’. It’s because they lack spiritual discipline and the haters are not gonna make it through the Great Tribulation. Galatians 5:22-23 says y’all lack the fruit of the spirit which is “love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance.”
And for the life of me, what I don’t understand is how all these haters find candy corn so offensive when there are a whole bunch of terrible-ass candies out here that need a federal investigation and a tribunal at The Hague. Y’all know the ones I’m talkin’ about.
Let’s see . . . we got nasty-ass circus peanuts out here like fruity Febrezed sofa cushions. And why are they shaped like peanuts for no reason? And do we really know what flavor they are? Is it orange? Banana? Attic insulation?
Where’s the outrage for them little peanut butter kisses they wrap in orange and black wax paper? Tasting like like somebody scraped peanut butter off the floor of a 1960s bus station. Y’all ain’t go no memes for these?
And don’t get me started on Boston Baked Beans. First of all, tell me why is a candy named after some damn beans? They’re out here masquerading as candy when they look like somethin’ a gastroenterologist removed from somebody’s colon.
We got Good & Plenty. Y’all know the name itself is a damn lie. There is no good nor are they worth having plenty of. They taste like somebody boiled black licorice in a vat of tires and NyQuil.
We got freakin’ Necco Wafers tasting like somebody broke up the Ten Commandments and put the pieces in a candy wrapper. And people who eat Bit-O-Honey have absolutely no business hatin’ on candy corn. Y’all need to get right with the Lord. You are literally out here *voluntarily *chewing on hard-ass bricks from the Book of Job, snatching out your molars and crowns plus your ancestral memories out your head, and you got the nerve to be judging people like me?
Y’all be chewin nameless petroleum wax bottles. Eatin’ fucking Mary Janes that fuse your upper and lower jaw together after four chews. And raisinets! Like, somebody took a perfectly innocent raisin and put chocolate over it to make this disappointing dream deferred even more confusing.
All these confectionery felons roaming the streets unbothered, and y’all have organized a whole damn hate movement against candy corn? WHERE IS THE DISCERNMENT? WHERE IS THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION? WHERE IS THE HOLY GHOST?
Somehow all these haters out here have decided that candy corn is where civilization must draw the line! I rebuke this. Black Jesus rebukes this. Now, it’s no secret that I am an atheist. But lemme just say that I know enough about Black Jesus Tyrone Christ to know that if he were alive today, he would not tolerate this level of unnecessary candy persecution.
White Jesus might. Because according to the history books, white Jesus allegedly blessed slavery, segregation, colonialism, and every other kind of hateful atrocity western “civilization” cooked up. So I wouldn’t put candy corn persecution past him. White Jesus actually might insist that circus peanuts are the superior candy because they’re orange, just like his favorite MAGA president. But I digress.
Leave our delightful candies alone! Let us enjoy them in peace. Stop hating on them because Black Jesus has grace and mercy but he will not forgive you for this sin. Not this one. Y’all better turn away from your confectionery wickedness before it is too late.
So the next time you get the urge to log onto social media and write some shit like: “Candy corn belongs in the trash,” just know that when your time comes to meet your maker, Black Jesus will close the Book of Life, looks over at god and say, “Daddy, no grace. No mercy. Send this one downstairs.”
And as you descend into eternal damnation, Satan is gonna hand you a big-ass vat of circus peanuts and Mary Janes. Forever.
REPENT!
Thanks for reading. If this piece made you chuckle, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Your subscription keeps my Substack fueled and unfiltered. Paid subscriptions also help me support HBCU journalism students who need laptops, DSLR cameras, tripods, mics, lights, software, conference travel, reporting trips, and even food from our pantry. We appreciate your support!
