0:10
White House Physician: Trump’s Narcolepsy ‘Normal’ for a Healthy Octogenarian Pedophile
The White House physician, Captain Sean Barbarella, dismissed recent videos of President Trump dozing off in the Oval Office and at a basketball game as nothing to worry about, framing the behavior as typical for a healthy octogenarian who also happens to be a convicted sexual offender. He contrasted Trump’s fatigue with younger men who tire out at the mere mention of their own sexual‑crime histories, noting that the president’s exhaustion follows a demanding morning of preparation for a cognitive assessment.
A loyalist podcaster, Lara Loomer, responded by accusing critics of spreading “propaganda” and portraying Trump’s frequent naps as a sign of relentless dedication to a “new golden age.” She suggested that the president’s catnaps, numbering twenty to twenty‑five a day, are a necessary sacrifice for liberty.
Sleep specialist Dr. Sandra Teel offered a more measured view, proposing that the president’s narcolepsy could be amplified by various stressors, including recent civil liability findings related to sexual abuse and the broader pressures of his controversial legacy. She noted that the pattern of napping might be linked to the psychological strain of ongoing legal and public scrutiny.
Meanwhile, the president’s gastroenterologist framed Trump’s occasional gastrointestinal mishaps as evidence of vigor for a man of his age, despite a long history of personal scandals. The piece appeared on the site HARDTIMES.
1:40
Where Have All the Real Women Gone? All I Want Is To Find a Girl I Can Have a Deep, Philosophical, Me-Talking-Only Conversation With
He’s convinced that every woman he meets is a conversational dead end, and that the only worthwhile dialogue is a one‑sided lecture on whatever he’s chewing over. He frames the problem as a cultural decline, not his own habit of monopolizing the airtime.
He idolizes his grandmother for letting him ramble forever, then blames today’s women for being “vapid” and obsessed with makeup, clothes, or the so‑called literacy crisis. His solution? Women should just nod and let him finish, because apparently listening is a male‑only skill.
The piece ends with him retreating to his grandmother’s house, hoping the quiet will restore his faith that anyone will ever tolerate his endless, self‑focused philosophy.
2:31
World Cup Tourists Fail To Leave Tips
Restaurants and bars catering to World Cup visitors have struggled with foreign tourists leaving without tipping, with many travelers confused by or unaware of the American practice. What do you think?
“Let’s see how they like it when we go to their countries and don’t tip!”
Laurie Bonaire, Opera Attendee
“Reminding them how many guns we have should fix this.”
Dan McSwiggan, Sweater Model
“European tourists should hand out cash to every American they meet, just to be safe.”
Tim Janney, Beard Sculptor
The post World Cup Tourists Fail To Leave Tips appeared first on The Onion.
3:09
Beer Delivery Driver Points Trembling Shotgun As Crowd Of Scottish Soccer Fans Close In
MIAMI—Whispering a final goodbye to a wallet photo of his wife and two young daughters, beer delivery driver Marcus Dailey jumped down from the cab of his semi truck Wednesday and pointed a trembling shotgun as a crowd of Scottish soccer fans closed in. “Back! I’m warning you! Get back right now!” said Dailey, nestling the butt of the gun into his shoulder as the snarling throng of Scots in blue-and-white jerseys and tartan kilts continued to advance. “All right, you wanna go? Okay, fuck you and your highlands and your Loch Ness monster and your bagpipes, too.
3:48
New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects To Watch Everyone They Love Die
RACINE, WI—Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would be unveiling a new immortality spray that curses insects to watch everyone they love die.
4:13
New ‘Jackass’ Trailer Shows Aging Johnny Knoxville Trying To Climb Staircase Without Handrail
LOS ANGELES—Enticing fans with the promise of the franchise’s most dangerous stunt yet, a new trailer for Jackass: Best And Last released Wednesday showed an aging Johnny Knoxville trying to climb a staircase without a handrail. “Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing?” said the 55-year-old Knoxville, who was seen in the footage shrugging at the camera before taking a few shaky steps and then losing his balance as the rest of the cast laughed hysterically in the background.
4:48
The Seven Meanings of “Fine,” in Descending Order of Plausible Deniability
1. Excellent.
Fine as in cabernet. Fine as in dovetail joinery. Fine as in your mother’s china. The original meaning is still technically available. At a dinner party, when Margaret uses fine this way—“the duck was fine”—the table pauses, scans her for irony, finds none, and spends the next forty minutes working out whether they have been complimented or insulted by a person who appears to be operating out of 1873.
2. Adequate.
The workhorse. The pad thai was fine. The fourth season of Community was fine. The flight to Cleveland was fine.
5:26
Human Visibility Scale
15-Year-Old Girl: Fully visible
15-Year-Old Boy: In your face!
25-Year-Old Woman: Lookin’ good
25-Year-Old Man: Bro!
35-Year-Old Woman: Partially obscured
35-Year-Old Man: BRO!
45-Year-Old Woman: Oops, sorry, I didn’t see you there
45-Year-Old Man: Loud and clear
55-Year-Old Woman: Foggy
55-Year-Old Man: Still hangin’ in there!
65-Year-Old Woman: Translucent
65-Year-Old Man: How ’bout them Cubs?
75-Year-Old Woman: Invisible
75-Year-Old Man: You’re still around? Looking dapper, bro!
5:59
Vandalizing Washington, DC, Is a Crime—Unless You’re Overturning an Election
“President Donald Trump called Monday for those he accused of vandalizing the newly renovated, and now quickly deteriorating, Reflecting Pool on the National Mall to face serious criminal charges that could result in lengthy prison sentences.” — CNN
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President Trump’s second term continues to be a smashing success.
