Jul 16, 2026 · 2 min listen · Last updated July 16, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief for July 16th. It's Wit. July 16th. Seven things made me laugh out loud at my desk; we'll start with the worst one. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet.
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Daily Comedy Brief · July 16th
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Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet
LOS ANGELES—Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to engage, leading their commander to shove them back into position like a frustrated dance mom. According to sources, the heavily armed riot cops smiled and waved to bystanders despite their superior officer urging them to stay focused.
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: June 2026: Atrocities 1014-1112
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure these horrors—happening almost daily—would not be forgotten. Now that Trump has returned to office, amid civil rights, humanitarian, economic, and constitutional crises, we felt it critical to make an inventory of this new round of horrors.
Hardcore Version of ‘Surrounded’ Features One Henry Rollins vs. 20 Henry Rollins
NASHVILLE — Henry Rollins will square off with 20 Henry Rollins in the next episode of Jubilee Media’s hit YouTube series “Surrounded,” sources confirmed.
“This episode will take Henry Rollins’s famous one-man, spoken word shows to a whole new dimension: a 21-man-one-man show. The audio setup alone required a theoretical physicist,” said Jason Lee, founder and CEO of Jubilee. “The format you’ve come to expect on ‘Surrounded’ will remain the same, with one exception: Hank must work in a story about being in Black Flag into every response, even if the prompt has nothing to do with Black Flag.
Opinion: Dogs Keep Shooting People. It’s Time To Regulate Dogs
Well folks, it happened again. There it was, another beautiful sunny Sunday in the park, and the unthinkable happened. Guy leaves his Schnauzer in the car with the windows up so that he can have some peace and quiet away from the wretched beast. Nothing wrong there. It’s a yappy dog. Good to get away from it. Guy also leaves his hunting rifle loose in the car. Nothing wrong there. It’s a nice gun. Good to know the car’s protected.
Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself
WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. “If you’re listening, Sen. McConnell, please—we’ve had enough,” said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn’t want to see the Republican lawmaker from a different angle, and they didn’t want any videos, either. “It’s okay if you’re alive. It’s okay if you’re dead.
Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause “explosive diarrhea,” have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness.
Q: Who is most at risk?
A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who’ve already used all their sick days.
Q: Why is it called “explosive” diarrhea?
A: Extensive focus group testing.
Q: How many cases have been recorded?
A: Oh, the CDC doesn’t do that anymore.
Q: How can I tell if I have cyclosporiasis?
A: You know there are exactly 36 tiles on your bathroom floor.
Q: How is cyclosporiasis treated?
A: With
