1.
Metallica Finally Track Down and Sue the Bootlegger Who Sold Beavis His Shirt
LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica proudly announced that they have finally tracked down and sued the bootlegger who sold Beavis from “Beavis and Butt-Head” his signature blue shirt, disgusted sources report.
“It took over three decades, but we finally found the bastard,” said drummer Lars Ulrich. “I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was for me after all those years of seeing Beavis wearing a shirt I knew he did not obtain through legitimate means.
2.
Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu
New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani called on the federal government to execute the International Criminal Court’s arrest warrant for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu while he attends the U.N. General Assembly, claiming that New York City did not have the legal authority.
3.
Tips For Karaoke
Whether you’re out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares tips for your next karaoke night.
Hold the microphone one to two inches into your mouth.
Pick a crowd-pleasing oldie that everyone knows, like “Greensleeves” or “Froggy Went A-Courtin’ .
4.
Bestselling Beach Reads
The post Bestselling Beach Reads appeared first on The Onion.
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One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now
CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadn’t already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent Ross told reporters Friday he thought all his problems would have been fixed by now. “It’s been seven days since I had a drink, but I still haven’t gotten a job, started a family, and completely turned my life around,” said Ross, who questioned why he continued to have brain fog and shaking fits when he hadn’t touched a bottle of liquor since last Friday. “I just don’t get it.
6.
Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. “I can’t believe I didn’t spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here,” said Frachs, who claimed to have brought binoculars, a telephoto lens, and other specialized gear in hopes of snagging a picture of the Scottish legend known for its gargantuan size, crude manners, and storied flatulence.
7.
FAQ: Potato Salad
The “FAQ” opens with a tongue‑in‑cheek ingredient list that starts normal—potatoes, mayo, paprika, celery, onion, eggs—then spirals into the absurd: ants, a dog hair, a fingernail, cigarette ash, pool water, microplastics, even a solitary dead bee. The point isn’t the list itself but the way it exposes how a simple side dish becomes a repository for everything we’re reluctant to name.
The second answer turns the salad into a cultural artifact. It argues that, for generations, women were handed three acceptable creative outlets—curtains, casseroles, and the “famous” potato salad—so the dish became a silent battlefield for identity, ambition, and the patriarchy that redirected architectural dreams into mayonnaise. The writer uses Brenda’s obsessive celery‑to‑egg ratio as a stand‑in for the fierce need to leave a mark.
The “biggest mistake” answer flips the focus from the food to family dynamics, suggesting the salad is a proxy for inherited grievances, power plays, and even romantic entanglements. It’s less about potatoes and more about the relational baggage we carry into the bowl.
Finally, the piece drifts into a mock‑conspiracy about paprika, hinting at a “Hungarian red dust” industry that launders flavor into garnish. The underlying joke is that the minutiae of spice choices mask larger, unspoken power structures, and that any debate—mayo versus mustard—serves as a diversion from the real drama simmering beneath the plastic bowl.