Aug 1, 2026 · 1 min listen · Last updated August 1, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit, August 1st. Seven from the writers' rooms and the open mics — here's the one I keep thinking about. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. Schools Deploy Pepper Spray Drones To Combat Shootings.
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Daily Comedy Brief · August 1st
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Schools Deploy Pepper Spray Drones To Combat Shootings
Several schools across the U.S. are deploying pepper spray-dispensing drones in an effort to combat school shootings, an approach inspired by the success of drones in Ukraine’s war effort. What do you think?
“They should just make school shootings illegal.”
Holly McGuill, Fossil Bleacher
“I thought we had settled on giving up.”
Tiago Vega, Canister Pressurizer
“Landmines would stop them faster.”
Julian Leidy, Jelly Specialist
The post Schools Deploy Pepper Spray Drones To Combat Shootings appeared first on The Onion.
So, there's this anarchist bakery in Seattle called The Communist Mani-Feast-O, and it's owned by a bunch of people who've never served in the military. The owner, Ferry Douglass, is pretty proud of this fact, claiming his family's been dodging wars since the Battle of Bunker Hill. He's got a long line of draft dodgers, and it's how the family survived.
A local guy, Bill Johnson, who was dishonorably discharged from the Air National Guard, is not a fan of the bakery. He thinks it's an insult to people who've actually served, and he's calling for the owners to be deported. He's also got a beef with the bakery's dog-friendly policy, but that's a whole other can of worms.
The funniest part is that the bakery's canine patron, Banjo McScruff-n-Stuff, has a pretty scathing review of the bakery's biscuits. He says they're the driest he's ever had, and that the owners are basically cowards for dodging the draft. I mean, Banjo's got a point – the owners did flee the country after learning about the Iran deal.
It's worth noting that the bakery's owners have a bit of a history of fleeing the country when things get tough. They're not exactly the most stable bunch. But hey, at least they're consistent – they're always good for a laugh, even if it's at their own expense.
Five Surprising Medical Advancements That Came Out of the Laboratory From the “Dope Show” Music Video
So it turns out the lab from Marilyn Manson's "Dope Show" music video wasn't as sketchy as we thought. They actually made some major medical breakthroughs. Like, they developed bridge RNAs for gene editing, which could treat or cure a bunch of diseases. And get this, they also came up with the polio vaccine, which is a big deal. Apparently Jonas Salk just stole the idea from them, but they're not getting any credit. The lab also worked on chimeric antigen receptor T-cell therapy, which is a treatment for autoimmune diseases. And they even developed 3D bioprinting, which lets doctors create living tissues and organs for patients. That's some crazy stuff.