1.
Last Couple Hours of Acid Trip Spent Doing Laundry
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Pendleton spent the last stretch of his 10-hour LSD trip doing laundry, pragmatic sources confirmed. “Man, it was so awesome to open up my consciousness today and feel such an overwhelming sensation of love and connection with the universe,” said Pendleton, ironing out the wrinkles on a pair of khaki pants. “But eventually I remembered that I have work tomorrow, and I need to knock out a couple loads of laundry, so I pivoted to that.
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Conflict of Disinterest
Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things 811 Called Before Burying Victim In Yard NDA Violated At First Possible Opportunity Man Googles ‘Easy Hobbies’ Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named After Different Martin Luther King Dog Understands Loneliness Of Success After Tug Of War Victory Loud Friend Makes Loud Point Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Step With America Gathering Of Pigeons Shown Who Is Boss Report: Every Goddamn Light In The House On Dubai Revealed To Be A Mirage Third Grade Teacher Sighs, Helps Lost…
3.
Tina Watts and Joey Bazan
The bride and groom are about to learn that a shared obsession with pickleball gets you about seven months. Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things 811 Called Before Burying Victim In Yard NDA Violated At First Possible Opportunity Man Googles ‘Easy Hobbies’ Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named After Different Martin Luther King Dog Understands Loneliness Of Success After Tug Of War Victory Loud Friend Makes Loud Point Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Step With America Gathering Of Pigeons Shown Who Is Boss…
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Live Better Than A King
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Bay Area Children Set Up Adrenochrome Stand On Side Of Road
6.
Ring Launches Streaming Service
HAWTHORNE, CA—Providing customers with an expansive and growing library of premium content, smart doorbell manufacturer Ring launched a new streaming service Wednesday. Company officials said Ring+, as the subscription platform is called, features 3 trillion hours and counting of both live and pre- recorded exterior home security footage from across the country. With an ad-supported $7.99 monthly plan, subscribers can use the Ring+ TV app to stream the front porches, back gates, stairwells, city sidewalks, and apartment building hallways of their choice on up to four devices at once.
7.
An Open Letter to Ted Lasso with Some Gosh-Darn Hard Questions for the Upcoming Season
With your new season coming out, I thought you’d like some storyline advice from a non-Emmy-winning, suicide-surviving, journaling-through-the-pain, amateur writer mom. We can be pent-up-feelings pals. I’m beyond grateful that in the first three seasons, you and the army of emotionally courageous people constructing you were willing to share that your father died by suicide. That big reveal in season 2 changed my life, and the life of my Hotspurs-loving preteen son, whose father died the same way yours did two years before that episode aired.
8.
Subscription Tiers for Truth API, President Trump’s New Premium Data Feed
The Truth API is a paid service that promises ultra‑fast access to presidential announcements that can move markets. Plans start at $100,000 a month, delivering microsecond‑level delivery of all posts, rants, and videos, plus unlimited AI‑generated video downloads and the ability to add up to three future co‑defendants to an account. Even the base tier includes a mandatory, unskippable ad that the provider describes as a “dick pill” lasting 90 seconds.
Higher tiers add incremental features: at $250,000 a month the ad length drops to 80 seconds, a token allotment is included, and users get a Kalshi prediction‑market connector and a “celebrity fall pass” listing potential public feuds. The $500,000 tier adds revenue sharing, exclusive insider events, and a “scammer darkly” investment feed that supposedly scrambles outcomes for both perpetrators and victims.
The $1 million level bundles everything from the previous tier, adds a verification birthmark, one‑factor authentication, a “patriotic symbol,” and a scapegoat intern for legal cover. It also offers a “crypto night” shoutout during a 3 a.m. meme‑coin marathon. The top $5 million package includes a free 30‑day trial as a cabinet member, further reduced ad time, the ability to vote in presidential “finsta” polls on military actions, and push notifications for impending audits or raids.
Canceling any subscription requires government approval and may incur additional fees, including a “lost security deposit” and an “obstruction of justice” charge. Enterprise pricing is available on request, with service prioritized by the potential leverage a client can provide.