1.
What To Know About ‘One Night Only’
Q: What’s the premise? A: In a dystopian alternate reality, dating is sorta awkward and hard to navigate. Q: Who are the leads? A: Two attractive but affordable options. Q: Who is the movie for? A: People who thought The Purge made too much sense. Q: Is there a good time to use the bathroom? A: Probably right after Xurgax uses the Time Scepter. Q: What’s the most unrealistic part of the movie? A: That Callum Turner has what it takes to keep a massive pizza restaurant open in Lower Manhattan. Q: What’s the message of the film? A: Not everything is worth seeing in theaters.
2.
Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts
Truth Social launched a subscription service allowing Wall Street firms to gain advanced access to Trump’s “market-moving” posts, receiving them milliseconds before the general public. What do you think? “It’s almost like you’re right there in the bathroom with him!” Johnny Nie, Cave Fumigator “I keep saying I need more of his tweets, faster, and at a greater cost to me and my family.” Gail Fletcher, Bill Stacker “I already learned this news four milliseconds ago.” Archie Zimmerman, Systems Analyst The post Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts appeared first on The Onion.
3.
Michelle Zhang-Russo
Attempt To Spell ‘Mayonnaise’ Devolving With Every Effort Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things 811 Called Before Burying Victim In Yard NDA Violated At First Possible Opportunity Man Googles ‘Easy Hobbies’ Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named After Different Martin Luther King Dog Understands Loneliness Of Success After Tug Of War Victory Loud Friend Makes Loud Point Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Step With America Gathering Of Pigeons Shown Who Is Boss Report: Every Goddamn Light In The House On Dubai…
4.
Vacationing Mom Misses Alexa
MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Sighing loudly as she gazed at the empty countertop in the family’s rented condo, vacationing mom Jan Freehorn told reporters Friday that she missed her Alexa. “This is the first time I’ve left Alexa home all by herself,” said the visibly distraught mother, wondering aloud what the voice-activated virtual assistant might be doing at the family’s Fayetteville, VA–area home without her there. “What a great companion, always ready with a joke or the weather.
5.
We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99 Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like
As you know, Kyle, I have been a loyal customer at the Shell Shack for many years, and I have come to expect so much more than this. When I ordered the Captain’s Bounty several minutes ago, I did so in good faith, expecting the quantity of shrimp to reflect the listed price. You can imagine my shock, then, when this paltry collection of withered-looking crustaceans arrived at my table, in direct contrast to the assertion—nay, promise—made right there on this large, laminated menu that it was the “best deal in town” and that this purported “seafood feast” was not to be missed.
6.
Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting ‘Suck On This’
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Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew
8.
Things I Hope People Would Say at My Funeral
“How sure are we that she’s dead? Should we double-check just to be safe? I know for a fact that she would not want to be buried alive.” “My dog wasn’t chill with anyone, but he was chill with her.” “She was never weird in conversation, and even if she was, I have no recollection of it.” “Does anyone know where she got her shirt from?” “I’m a pastor, and I can safely say I’ve never seen a sadder funeral than this one. She was objectively the most loved person ever to live.” “You’re not better than her just because you’re alive, you know.