1.
Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work
There’s a whole page of oddities, starting with a man who walked straight from his job into a funeral, then a Turkish hunter telling his dad he’s gay mid‑hunt. The list keeps sliding—people botching “mayonnaise” spelling, a foot finding a perfect spot in a bed, a shellfish‑allergic guy dying from a gun, and a 911 call before someone buries a body in their yard.
It jumps to an NDA being broken the moment it could, a guy Googling “easy hobbies,” and a “bump” taken off a fentanyl test strip. Then there’s a sign clarifying which Martin Luther King a street is named after, a dog feeling the loneliness of success after a tug‑of‑war win, and a loud friend making an even louder point.
A study finds most Americans out of step with America, pigeons get a hierarchy lesson, every light in a house stays on, Dubai is called a mirage, a third‑grade teacher sighs over a long‑division problem, a Costco‑calling mom asks for your pant size, and finally a man feels sore after half‑assing something.
2.
Eating Disorders: Myth Vs. Fact
The piece riffs on the idea that eating‑disorder statistics are a punch‑line, starting with the claim that most sufferers “look young” because they’re “thin and beautiful,” which flips the usual age‑related stereotype on its head. It then pretends that a diagnosis is just a crowd‑sourced opinion, as if you could get a consensus from anonymous strangers the way you’d poll a favorite pizza topping.
Next, it reduces recovery to a literal “stop not‑eating” instruction, mocking the oversimplification that often shows up in self‑help headlines. The article then blames “unhealthy family dynamics” with a sarcastic nod to a mother who “should try to keep you perfect,” exposing the cliché of blaming the home environment.
The gender myth gets a twist: every man who mentions “protein” is instantly labeled an eating‑disorder case, satirizing the over‑broad gender assumptions. Finally, the local “Miss Pork Chop” joke collapses the title into absurdity when the mayor’s daughter steps in, underscoring how quickly a meme can become a farce.
3.
Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid ‘Endless Scrutiny’
Ariana Grande has announced a pause from the public eye, saying the constant focus on her health and looks has become unbearable. The statement reads like a polite resignation from a job that never stops checking in.
The piece is a satire, and the humor comes from the absurd chorus of strangers offering unsolicited advice. One self‑styled “mongoose herder” boasts about eagerly awaiting her return, while a “diamond wearer” claims to have quit doctors for the same reason. An unemployed commentator calls disappearing a clever way to shut down speculation.
The joke lands on the mismatch between the celebrity’s genuine fatigue and the bizarre, over‑the‑top reactions of anonymous internet bystanders. It points out how any attempt to step back is instantly turned into a public spectacle.
4.
Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone
Ryan Kruze, a Clarkton, N.C., resident, apparently thought his gun’s safety was engaged, pulled the trigger, and hit someone. In the immediate aftermath he told the surrounding crowd to take a breath, step back, and keep calm, warning against any rash actions like calling the police. His attempt at a collective chill‑out quickly unraveled when, according to on‑lookers, he ended up discharging the weapon a few more times, adding a chaotic twist to his “let’s all calm down” spiel.
The incident, reported in a satirical outlet, plays on the absurdity of someone trying to impose calm while the situation is literally blowing up. The narrative highlights the disconnect between the urgency of a shooting and the misguided advice to “just breathe,” underscoring how quickly good intentions can backfire when the facts are ignored.
5.
The Onion’s Top State Fair Foods
Whole Branzino On A Stick Big Ol’ Gulp From The Hose Tarred-And-Feathered Corn Dog Deep-Fried Items From The Lost And Found Single 4,000-Calorie Peanut The post The Onion’s Top State Fair Foods appeared first on The Onion.
6.
Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda
7.
Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture
8.
The AI Pictures of Dorian Gray
The following prompts were submitted to an image-generation service over the course of a century. The user has since been suspended. Create a timeless late-Victorian oil painting of the most beautiful boy in the world (me). Comely features. Lovely. Fair. Debonair and aristocratic. Use only the finest materials—expensive primers, paints, rare pigments—to conjure an illusion of wealth. A cursed, opulent portrait sucking up every wrinkle that would otherwise ravage my flawless, eternally youthful complexion.
9.
Good Charlotte Demoted to Third-Or-Fourth-Worst Thing Madden Brothers Have Done
A handful of veteran voices in the alt‑music scene have re‑ranked Good Charlotte’s legacy, saying the band now sits only “third or fourth” among the Madden Brothers’ most questionable moves. The judgment comes after the twins’ recent shake‑ups at outlets like Brooklyn Vegan, Revolver and Alternative Press, which the elders describe as a wholesale gutting of the alternative press ecosystem.
Luis Grift, a self‑styled “spokespunk,” argued that even the Madden brothers’ own album, *The Young and the Hopeless*, looks tolerable when measured against their broader agenda: a rapid consolidation of media, a flirtation with Live Nation through the *Veep* spin‑off, and assorted celebrity‑drama entanglements that feel more like villain work than music‑industry stewardship.
According to the report, the twins were seen with cigars and brandy, plotting a takeover of the historic Dischord House with the intention of converting it into a data center. The implication is that their influence now extends beyond music into infrastructure, further muddying the waters of their cultural impact.
In short, the consensus among the scene’s elders is that Good Charlotte’s missteps have been eclipsed by the Madden brothers’ own series of strategic misadventures, pushing the band down the list of “shitty things” they’ve done.