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Nation Detecting…Cardamom?
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Timothy Burnett
Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife. The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.
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Immunologists Warn About Rise Of Good Time–Resistant Supernarcs
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Newly Free Man Struggles To Readjust To Life Outside Having Penis Stuck In Hot Tub Jet
BLOOMFIELD, CA—Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub jet. Shortly after his release, Webb reportedly found himself unable to reconcile the significant differences between everyday life on the outside and the regimented lifestyle he had become accustomed to during his 15 hours inside the suction fitting of a Master Spas LSX 900.
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Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed’s Window
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Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan
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Welcome Aboard Svelte Airlines—Except You, the Fat Passenger in Seat 49C
Welcome aboard Svelte Airlines flight 362426. We’re so glad to have you with us today. Not you, econo-fat in 49C; we just tolerate you. For now. Please sit in your assigned seat. Unless the person next to you doesn’t like that. Ultimately, the person to your left will decide whether you sit in the seat that you paid for or be deplaned in a humiliating perp walk. If you are denied passage based on your assage, the gate agent will contact the nearest marine park and attempt to accommodate you with whatever they do for whales. Fasten your seatbelt.