1.
Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer
2.
Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device
3.
Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez
Aunt Wants Picture Of Cake Glider Crash Quietly Kills 2 Area Man Asked For Opinion Out Of Pity Imaginary Friend Sure Knows A Lot About Burning Down Homes Local Man Not Sure Who To Take From Prom This Year Turkey Gobbles Just As Man On Hunting Trip Tells Father He’s Gay Attempt To Spell ‘Mayonnaise’ Devolving With Every Effort Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things 811 Called Before Burying Victim In Yard NDA Violated At First Possible Opportunity Man Googles ‘Easy Hobbies’ Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named…
4.
Your Own Goddamn House
Aunt Wants Picture Of Cake Glider Crash Quietly Kills 2 Area Man Asked For Opinion Out Of Pity Imaginary Friend Sure Knows A Lot About Burning Down Homes Local Man Not Sure Who To Take From Prom This Year Turkey Gobbles Just As Man On Hunting Trip Tells Father He’s Gay Attempt To Spell ‘Mayonnaise’ Devolving With Every Effort Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things 811 Called Before Burying Victim In Yard NDA Violated At First Possible Opportunity Man Googles ‘Easy Hobbies’ Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named…
5.
Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment
Aunt Wants Picture Of Cake Glider Crash Quietly Kills 2 Area Man Asked For Opinion Out Of Pity Imaginary Friend Sure Knows A Lot About Burning Down Homes Local Man Not Sure Who To Take From Prom This Year Turkey Gobbles Just As Man On Hunting Trip Tells Father He’s Gay Attempt To Spell ‘Mayonnaise’ Devolving With Every Effort Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things 811 Called Before Burying Victim In Yard NDA Violated At First Possible Opportunity Man Googles ‘Easy Hobbies’ Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named…
6.
SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon
The discarded upper stage of a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket crashed into the moon after drifting off course over the past year, an event that has highlighted the importance of managing space debris. What do you think? “Brush it under Neptune. No one will ever know.” Joey Ettinger, Scarf Knotter “Moon can’t take a punch?” Oliver Straubie, Paperwork Gatherer “No wonder my period’s been so fucked up.” The post SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon appeared first on The Onion.
7.
The Free Trial by Franz Kafka
There’s been some sort of error, thought Joseph K. Yes, that was it, an inadvertent error. Quite possibly on his part. A careless thumb tap when paranoiascrolling on his phone or a wayward mouse click while porn-drunk. The type of mistake modern life makes inevitable. Though, too, given the fraught times, it would be foolish to rule out the possibility of e-malice. And no one was above suspicion. Not his fishmonger, his cheesemonger, his bongmonger, his psychiatrymonger—all, he knew, were active in MAJA (Mongers Against Joseph Alliance).