Aug 13, 2026 · 8 min listen · Last updated August 13, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. It's Wit. August 13th. Seven things made me laugh out loud at my desk; we'll start with the worst one. Let's get into it. First, from The Hard Times. Taking Back Sunday To Play Special ‘2003 AIM Away Message’ Setlist at Riot Fest.
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Daily Comedy Brief · August 13th
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Taking Back Sunday To Play Special ‘2003 AIM Away Message’ Setlist at Riot Fest
Taking Back Sunday announced a Riot Fest set built around lyrics that once lived in 2003 AIM away messages, essentially a nostalgic mixtape for the millennial crowd.
The band says they’re leaning into that era, even planning to sprinkle in door‑opening sounds so the set feels like a high‑school chatroom on loop.
One local fan, now in his late thirties, is buzzing about the idea, recalling his own cringe‑laden away lines and hoping the performance will finally earn him some attention from the women in the audience—maybe even prompting a fresh haircut.
His former crush, now an adult, reacts with a mix of amusement and dread, half‑joking that she might need a wig to avoid running into him. The band also hinted at a second set that will pull music from old MySpace pages, completing the throwback experience.
A bizarre stream of local oddities landed on the desk this week. One guy mailed a replica key to his girlfriend, while his aunt demanded a photo of the cake she’d never seen. A glider crash claimed two lives without fanfare, and a man in a small town was asked for his opinion purely out of pity. Somewhere else, an imaginary friend apparently knows a lot about arson, and a local teen is still undecided about who to bring home from prom.
Meanwhile, a hunter announced his sexuality to his dad just as a turkey made its final call, and a spelling‑bee‑like effort to write “mayonnaise” kept devolving. A foot found a surprisingly cool spot in a bed, and a shellfish‑allergic man met his end via a gun—an odd twist of fate. Police were called before a body was buried in a yard, and an NDA was breached at the earliest chance.
On the lighter side, a man searched for “easy hobbies,” another just said “just sayin’,” and a fentanyl test strip was stripped of its bump. A sign finally clarified which Martin Luther King a street was named after, while a dog seemed to grasp the loneliness of success after winning a tug‑of‑war. A loud friend made an equally loud point, a study found most Americans out of step with America, and a gathering of pigeons learned who’s really in charge.
Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended
The Miami Marlins’ stadium screen flashed a brief notice that the free trial for an anti‑lock‑brake system had expired, a line that felt more at home in a tech support forum than a baseball arena. The message was so low‑key it almost blended into the background, as if the team were apologizing for a glitch that no one would actually miss.
Below that, a stream of oddball headlines rolled out like a late‑night news crawl: a copy of a city key made for a girlfriend, an aunt demanding a cake photo, and a glider crash that quietly claimed two lives. Each item reads like a punchline waiting for a setup that never arrives, highlighting the absurd gap between mundane requests and tragic outcomes.
The list continues with a man asking for an opinion out of pity, an imaginary friend who knows a lot about arson, and a local guy unsure who to take from prom. A hunting trip turns into a sudden coming‑out confession, while someone’s attempt to spell “mayonnaise” devolves with each try. A foot finds a cool spot in bed, and a shellfish‑allergic man meets his end via a gun—both moments that feel oddly specific and completely out of context.
Other entries include a 911 call before burying a victim in a yard, an NDA broken at the first chance, a search for “easy hobbies,” and a “bump taken off” a fentanyl test strip. A sign clarifies a street named after a different Martin Luther King, a dog contemplates success after a tug‑of‑war win, a loud friend makes a loud point, and a study finds most Americans out of step with America. The final note: pigeons learn who’s boss. All together, the piece reads like a collage of the internet’s most random headlines, stitched under the thin banner of a forgotten tech trial.
Scientists have announced they used artificial intelligence to design viruses that don’t exist in nature, framing the achievement as a double‑edged sword: a potential tool for medical research and a possible new vector for biological threats. The piece notes that the breakthrough could accelerate vaccine development by allowing researchers to model pathogen behavior before a natural strain emerges, while also raising alarms about the ease with which malicious actors might weaponize such technology.
The article’s tone leans heavily into satire, juxtaposing the lofty scientific claim with absurdist commentary that mocks the hype surrounding AI‑driven biotech. It highlights a chorus of tongue‑in‑cheek reactions that dismiss the seriousness of the development, underscoring the disconnect between sensational headlines and the nuanced reality of bio‑security risk.
Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devine’s body parts. The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion.
Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow
PALO ALTO, CA—Telling himself he had “no other choice” but to end the simulated character’s life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday using a digital pillow. According to sources, Zuckerberg told his wife, Priscilla Chan, that he would be up late working on a presentation for the Meta board of directors and then closed the door to his office, slipping on his Quest 3 headset.
Surveillance company Flock’s automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states, are generating controversy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the technology.
Places My First Baby Slept as a Newborn vs. Places My Third Baby Has Slept as a Newborn
In the hospital bassinet next to my bed while I stayed awake for his first forty-eight hours to make sure he was still breathing Quietly, in my arms while I rocked him to sleep in a rocking chair In the bend of the couch covered in Pokémon stickers, while Octonauts blared on Netflix In his stroller on a leisurely walk through the park In her stroller placed just far enough out of range of the splash pad that she won’t get wet… oh, never mind, someone brought a water gun In a baby carrier, strapped to my chest, while I stroked his head gently In a baby carrier while I emptied the toddler potty…