Daily Comedy Brief · August 27th

NEW YORK — New York University recently started offering a major known as “Celebrity With a Podcast” after a survey found it to be one of the more inflation-proof careers, confirmed sources. “I was between this and Econ with a concentration in Family Business, but what ultimately made the decision was the ability to read a book and pretend I’m an authority in a subject because I was in a movie,” said freshman Allie Romano. “The challenging part is finals. It’s an hour of live ad reads. I’m actually like, really stressed about how many promo codes we have to memorize.

SEATTLE—Exhibiting an air of practiced nonchalance as he mentioned his high-profile acquaintance, the Hinge date of area woman Melissa Jacobs was overheard Thursday dropping the name of the man who created Beetle Bailey. “You know, what you just said reminds me of something my old buddy Mort—that’s Inkpot Award winner Mort Walker, maybe you’ve heard of him—used to tell me,” said Lee Medford, who reportedly pulled out his phone to show Jacobs a selfie he had taken with the cartoonist before Walker’s death in 2018. “Yeah, he was a regular at my family’s holiday parties back in the 2000s.

WASHINGTON—His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. “Mistress Jessica, I’ve been a bad little health and human services secretary, and I…I deserve to have my pathetic nuts punished with Velveeta cheese,” said Kennedy, who reportedly howled in masochistic ecstasy as the leather-clad woman inched an Oreo closer and closer to his exposed testicles.

“Maybe we didn’t need two Dakotas.” Penelope O’Conner, Doll Refurbisher “Sounds like more of a problem for whichever country winds up holding the bag after we collapse.” Kenzo Fujiwara, Sheet Folder “Sorry man, all I got’s 3 trillion on me.” Sigmund Gaspar, Factory Appraiser The post U.S. National Debt Surpasses $40 Trillion appeared first on The Onion.

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure these horrors—happening almost daily—would not be forgotten. Now that Trump has returned to office, amid civil rights, humanitarian, economic, and constitutional crises, we felt it critical to make an inventory of this new round of horrors.