Aug 28, 2026 · 5 min listen · Last updated August 28, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Hey, it's Wit. August 28th. Seven in comedy — pour the coffee, this gets weird fast. Let's get into it. First, from The Hard Times. Donald Trump To Rename New Mexico ‘State America’.
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Daily Comedy Brief · August 28th
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Donald Trump To Rename New Mexico ‘State America’
WASHINGTON — In the latest move of his tireless patriotic renaming crusade, President Donald Trump announced this morning that the State of New Mexico will henceforth be known as “State America.” “State America. It’s big! It’s a big, strong name. We’re really excited to finally be able to do this. Every time I see that old name, whatever the hell it used to be called, it makes me sick. Everybody I talk to, they say to me, they say, ‘it just makes me sick.’ But this new name, I’d be proud to be from State America,” the president stated during a press conference earlier this morning.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Larry Ellison
Larry Ellison is the co-founder and executive chairman of Oracle, as well as the largest shareholder of the Paramount Skydance Corporation. The Onion sat down with the billionaire to discuss his ventures. The Onion : How did you get into the entertainment industry? Ellison: I remember going to the movies as a kid, and when the houselights went down and that hush fell over the crowd, I’d think to myself: I’d like to build a massive propaganda apparatus one day.
Stella Lefty Admits Nepotism May Have Helped Her Get Groupon+
LOS ANGELES—Responding to scrutiny concerning her tech billionaire father, artist Stella Lefty admitted in an interview Friday that nepotism may have played a role in helping her get Groupon+. “I had to set up the account myself, but yeah, I definitely have to recognize that not all aspiring artists have the privilege of scoring great cash-back offers on select restaurants,” said the MTV Video Music Award for Best New Artist nominee and “Boston” singer, who swallowed her pride by acknowledging that it was likely she would have never even downloaded the e-commerce company’s app in the first…
HHS Replaces Childhood Vaccination Schedule With List Of Recommended Animal Bites
WASHINGTON—Revising the former timetable to reflect its latest public guidelines, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services replaced the childhood vaccination schedule Friday with a list of recommended animal bites. “It’s highly important that kids receive at least 15 bites from a variety of mammals, reptiles, and insects before they reach the age of 3,” said Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who added that regular doses of rat saliva, snake venom, and infected tick fluid would help small children build immunity crucial to fending off diseases in adulthood.
Inoffensive Bridal Party Entrance Theme Music We Are One (Official Song Of The 2026 World Cornhole Championships) Worry About Your Own Weight, Fat-Ass Go To Visitdubai.com To Learn More HR Disciplinary Action Plan They’re Doing Experiments On Us Help Me Get These F**king Rollerblades Off Careful On The Dance Floor (Someone Dropped A Glass Over There) We Wear The Helmets Because We’re Both Cross-Eyed Now That I’m Older, I’m Starting To Regret Not Settling Down Cannibal Corpse, The London Symphony Orchestra Your Grandpa Saw My Nipples I Got Microphone Privileges What If I Told You I’ve Been…
Stricter work requirements enacted in the Big Beautiful Bill have caused enrollment in the SNAP food assistance program to plummet over 13% over the past year as provisions kick in. What do you think? “If they want food so bad, they can start a crypto pump-and-dump scam like the rest of us.” Suzanne Elfer, Box Stacker “Nobody in a county as rich as America should ever get help.” “Nothing one big party sub couldn’t fix.” Jon Tambasco, Coin Polisher The post SNAP Enrollment Drops By Over 13% appeared first on The Onion.
Back-to-School Shopping List for the End-of-Times Academic Year
Welcome back, students and parents, for another, possibly the last, functioning school year! Both the literacy crisis and moral deterioration of our leaders pretty much guarantee our school will be shuttered soon. But in the meantime, we hope to have a well-rounded, fun year interrupted by only one or two major geopolitical crises. Even in the most unpredictable times, you can count on the fact that teachers are paid dogshit wages. So here’s a list of school supplies I kindly ask you to buy in advance to help get us through the year: - *Two packs of no. 2 pencils. Ticonderoga is preferred.