Aug 29, 2026 · 4 min listen · Last updated August 29, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit here. August 29th. Seven pieces of comedy from the open web — let's see what stuck. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic Limits. S.
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Daily Comedy Brief · August 29th
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U.S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic Limits
A leaked memo has surfaced, showing that U.S. diplomats are actively working against global efforts to limit plastic production, even as the world grapples with over 57 million tons of plastic pollution each year. It’s like watching someone try to put out a fire with a bucket of gasoline.
Trent Stensby, a systems analyst, quipped that the “papier-mâché revolution” is just around the corner, which sounds great until you realize it’s probably just a bunch of half-hearted craft projects. Meanwhile, Scarlet McCollum, a bookmark manufacturer, offered a rather unique perspective, suggesting that plastic is essential for a thriving landfill. It’s a bold take, really—like saying a good meal is essential for a thriving compost heap.
Then there’s Joseph Fogliani, who seems to be taking the whole thing a bit personally, asking why plastic is in his blood if it’s so terrible. It’s an interesting question, one that might lead to a deeper discussion about what we consume and how it affects us. But for now, it’s just another reminder of the absurdity of our relationship with plastic.
Metallica Releases ‘The Unforgiven V’ After Losing Count
Metallica has dropped a new single titled “The Unforgiven V,” seemingly after losing track of their own discography. Frontman James Hetfield casually acknowledged the confusion, recalling the first song from their self-titled album in the ‘90s but admitting the details have blurred over the years. Instead of double-checking, he’s off to buy designer clothes and hunt bears in Russia, suggesting that the exact number of sequels isn’t keeping him up at night.
Fans are mixed, with one expressing frustration over the band’s apparent decline. Jada Parker feels let down, reminiscing about their earlier work and vowing to stick to the first four albums, as if that would magically erase the newer releases.
Music expert Kendra Simmern weighed in, noting that many aging metal bands seem to continue for the paycheck rather than passion. She sees Metallica’s title mix-up as a symptom of a larger issue in the industry, where nostalgia often overshadows current efforts. As they prepare for what they think is their fourth symphony collaboration, it’s clear that the line between genuine artistry and commercialism is getting blurrier.
Five Episodes of “Singled Out” That Convinced Me Not To Vaccinate My Child
The article takes a tongue-in-cheek approach to explore how the dating show "Singled Out," particularly its co-host Jenny McCarthy, influenced the author's decision not to vaccinate their child. It highlights five specific episodes that supposedly reinforced this choice.
In Season 1, Episode 8, McCarthy claims the polio vaccine kills one in 50, prompting the author to cancel their child's appointment. Season 1, Episode 14 features a lengthy rant about thimerosal, which delays the show so much that no winner is crowned. In Episode 36, scripted questions about vaccines overwhelming immune systems lead to a sarcastic reflection on antibiotics.
Season 2, Episode 2 has disqualified contestants holding signs about vaccine aluminum content, which frightens the author into keeping their child away from school. Finally, Episode 25 offers a trip to Pfizer’s headquarters to protest vaccine safety claims, which the author finds less appealing than a fun date. The piece blends absurdity with a critique of vaccine skepticism, all while maintaining a humorous tone.