Sep 1, 2026 · 3 min listen · Last updated September 1, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit, September 1st. Seven from the writers' rooms and the open mics — here's the one I keep thinking about. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys.
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Daily Comedy Brief · September 1st
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Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Hoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of “Philadelphia Eagles”–themed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise sales. “After several difficult seasons, we wanted to give Jets fans a shade of green that lets them proudly show their support,” said team president Hymie Elhai, displaying the new midnight-green uniforms, which feature fierce raptor designs on the shoulders and the word “EAGLES” emblazoned across the chest.
Activists Decry Meat Industry’s Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles
NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers’ fun, easygoing brothers,” said activist Heather Bolton, adding that calves displayed signs of clear distress when deprived of contact with older male relatives who knew how to hang loose and just go with the flow.
What is the Women’s Invisibility Network? The Women’s Invisibility Network (or WIN) is a neighborhood support group for women in their sunset years. We assist aging women tossed aside by society, who are still capable of great feats, because they’re invisible. WINners meet in person and online to share tips on using invisibility to find reasons to keep living. Are WINners actually invisible? Yes. It’s like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak but one hundred percent of the time. We move through life unseen and unheard, only sometimes smelled.
Upon entering a Panera To Go restaurant, you’re greeted by barren decor: millennial-gray tiles, a row of tablets, and not a single human in sight. It’s the uncanny valley version of a fast-casual restaurant, and it’s unnerving. As you approach the counter, it quickly becomes clear that there’s no one here to take your order; there never was. Only a menu boasting Panera’s unassuming delights sits over a long glass-enclosed case, with a sparse selection of baked goods and pastries to greet you. It’s hard to judge how long the pastries have been there, because there are no people.