Sep 11, 2026 · 8 min listen · Last updated September 11, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Hey, it's Wit. September 11th. Seven in comedy — pour the coffee, this gets weird fast. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. 25 Years Later, Nation Still Miffed.
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Daily Comedy Brief · September 11th
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25 Years Later, Nation Still Miffed
A recent study reveals that a staggering 81 percent of Starbucks customers are engaged in a silent judging fest, critiquing each other’s presence like it’s an Olympic event. Meanwhile, grandma’s still reminiscing about 1956, proving that nostalgia really knows no bounds. In a bizarre twist, police have misplaced evidence they planted, which raises the question: how do you lose something you intentionally put there?
In other news, a silent protest has sparked an equally silent debate—because nothing says “I care” quite like not saying anything at all. And if you thought the independent bookstore was just about books, think again; they’ve now added a cat to the mix. It’s like the hipster version of a “Get a job!” sign.
In culinary developments, it turns out the nation’s sweat production is largely due to the consumption of spicy wings, which is a spicy take on the age-old question of why we suffer for our food. And in a moment of pure absurdity, a wedding ring was found jammed into a slot machine, because who doesn’t love a little gamble with their love life?
Lastly, a political ad featuring a cast of bus drivers—yes, multiple bus drivers—has been deemed poorly executed, which is a bit like hiring a mime to narrate a movie. And let’s not forget the fourth slice of pizza consumed without so much as a twitch. Now that’s commitment.
Australia's record industry has decided to ban music created entirely by AI from official charts. This move comes after an AI-generated version of Madonna’s "Like a Prayer" made quite the splash, sticking around on the charts for 16 weeks. So, it seems the industry is drawing a line in the sand, or maybe just a line in the sound waves.
Opinions are mixed, of course. One guy, Maurice, quipped that real AI music fans don’t care about the charts or the music itself—just a casual dismissal of a whole genre. Then there's Damian, who feels it’s a bit harsh to deny fame to computers that have contributed so much to our lives. And Willa, bless her heart, insists she won’t embrace AI music until it’s experienced the full range of human emotions. Because, you know, nothing says “authenticity” like a computer having a midlife crisis.
So, the debate rages on: Is it fair to keep AI out of the limelight, or are we just being gatekeepers to a new frontier? Either way, it’s clear that the conversation around AI and creativity is just getting started.
The 78th Primetime Emmy Awards are set for Monday, and it looks like Taylor Dearden is the frontrunner for Outstanding Attempt To Hide You’re A Cranston. If someone’s acceptance speech drags on too long, they’ll find themselves on The Masked Singer—imagine the confusion. In a twist of irony, the 2025 Emmys broadcast snagged the most nominations this year, which raises the question of how that even works. Expect a few surprises, particularly in the sheer number of folks with Apple TV subscriptions. And let’s not forget the mysterious wriggling under that tarp—just don’t mention the non-acting nominees. The broadcast will wrap up promptly when someone mentions “Palestine.” So, grab your snacks and settle in for a night of delightful absurdity.
In a small town in Illinois, a local mother, Tara Grunsen, is facing some serious backlash for her rise to the top of her household. An anonymous source claims she’s just a “desperate slut” who got her senior role by sleeping with the man in charge. Apparently, the source believes Tara, at 38, lacks any real qualifications for motherhood and suggests she wouldn’t have her three kids without some sort of “illicit sexual bargain.” It seems there’s a bit of jealousy brewing among other family members, who are single and childless, toiling away without the same “advantages.” They’re holding onto their dignity, at least. So, it’s a classic case of family drama, with a side of resentment and a sprinkle of absurdity.
MLB Attempts To Increase Fan Engagement By Providing Ball With Emotional Backstory
Major League Baseball is rolling out a new initiative aimed at enhancing fan engagement by giving each game ball a dramatic backstory. The idea is that fans will feel more connected to the action if they know, for instance, that a 96-mph fastball comes with a narrative about a sick wife and five kids waiting back home. Commissioner Rob Manfred emphasized that these stories will be displayed on the jumbotron with a stirring orchestral score every time a ball is swapped out.
Imagine a ball introduced as “Ball 4839-B,” hailing from a war-torn moon, complete with a history of trauma and dreams of a better life. The goal is to transform a simple game into an emotional saga, where every pitch is a father’s desperate gamble for a brighter future. However, reactions have been mixed. At a recent Dodgers game, fans were left unsettled when a ball with a backstory of overcoming brain cancer was quickly fouled out, leaving its narrative unresolved. It’s a bold move, but maybe not the emotional rollercoaster MLB was hoping for.
The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks. The post Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell appeared first on The Onion.
New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted Evidence Silent Protest Sparks Silent Debate Dept.
Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01
For 24 years now, we’ve wondered what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John Hodgman originally delivered at a literary reading shortly after September 11, 2001. Good evening. My name is John Hodgman. I am a former professional literary agent, which on a good day is a pretty small thing to be, and these days feels rather microscopic.
Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed
A kiss cam operator at a recent game has decided to take their job to the next level, vowing to ensure every one of the 32,000 fans gets a chance to lock lips. It’s a commitment that raises questions—how do you even keep track? Maybe they’ll start handing out scorecards.
In other news, a study reveals that 81 percent of Starbucks customers are silently judging each other. I mean, who hasn’t glanced at someone’s drink order and thought, “Really, a pumpkin spice latte in July?”
A grandma called someone to reminisce about 1956, which is a lovely reminder that nostalgia has a way of creeping into our conversations. Meanwhile, police have misplaced some planted evidence. You have to wonder if they’re just playing hide and seek with it.
In lighter headlines, an independent bookstore has adopted a cat, because what’s better than the smell of old books and the sound of purring? And in a twist of fate, a wedding ring got stuck in a slot machine. Talk about a gamble on love.
Lastly, a fourth slice of pizza was consumed without any facial expression—an impressive feat, really, as if they were trying to maintain a poker face while indulging in cheesy goodness.