Sep 13, 2026 · 3 min listen · Last updated September 13, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit here. September 13th. Seven pieces of comedy from the open web — let's see what stuck. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. Emmys Producers Warn Aging Stars Deadline For ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Midnight.
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Daily Comedy Brief · September 13th
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Emmys producers have issued a rather morbid reminder to aging stars: if they want to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment, they need to kick the bucket by midnight. Jesse Collins, one of the producers, made it clear that late entries won’t be accepted. He humorously urged those on the brink to “get on it,” suggesting that if you're in your 80s or 90s, this is your last shot to be featured in the emotional montage set to Dolly Parton’s classic.
The urgency isn’t just for show; it seems the producers are counting on a few more notable deaths to fill out the tribute nicely. They even put out a call for one last beloved actor to pass away to perfect the timing of the montage. It’s a bizarre blend of dark humor and reality, highlighting the absurdity of the entertainment industry’s relationship with mortality. So, if you’re on the list of aging stars, it might be time to start planning your exit strategy—preferably before the clock strikes twelve.
Pharmacists Recommend Having Three Months’ Worth of Meds From Other, Imaginary Pharmacy Where They Let You Do That
Pharmacists in California are suggesting that people stock up on three months’ worth of medications, but with a twist: they should get them from some imaginary pharmacy that actually allows this. Jessica Mayo from the California State Board of Pharmacy made it clear that if you try to get that many meds from their pharmacies, she’ll take it personally. It’s a bit of a tightrope walk for patients who need to prepare for shortages or emergencies while navigating the judgment of their local pharmacists.
Patients, especially those with chronic conditions, are left scratching their heads. Laura Woodward shared her frustration about being labeled a “drug-seeking heathen” just for asking about a 90-day supply of essential meds. It seems like the imaginary pharmacy is more of a myth than a solution. Philosopher Sam Shaw humorously dubbed this conundrum “Schrödinger’s Pharmacy,” where the advice exists until you try to act on it.
Meanwhile, pharmacists are trying to find a middle ground by possibly allowing same-day pickups for prescriptions, and there’s even a whisper that they might ease up on the scolding for missed doses. So, if you’re looking for that mythical place where you can stock up without the side-eye, good luck. You might need it.
Opinion: I’m Not a Toys R’ Us Kid, I’m a Toys R’ Us Man
The author reflects on the struggle of growing up while clinging to the spirit of childhood. Staring into the bathroom mirror, he sees signs of aging but insists that inside him lives the boy who vowed to be a Toys R’ Us kid forever. He humorously declares himself a “Toys R’ Us Man,” navigating adult responsibilities with a childlike enthusiasm for toys and nostalgia.
He shares his antics of throwing tantrums to get what he wants, whether it’s cake at work or a night out. Shopping at thrift stores, he relishes the thrill of finding childhood treasures, even if they come with questionable pricing. Ultimately, he embraces the absurdity of refusing to fully grow up, finding joy in the chaos of adulthood and the remnants of his youth.