1.
NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car
NEW YORK—Citing the fact that “cars are fast and everyone likes them” as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. “Wouldn’t it be fun? We think it will be fun.
2.
Player Profile: Pete Crow-Armstrong
MLB star Pete Crow-Armstrong could become the first player in Cubs history to achieve a 40-40 campaign, hitting 40 home runs and stealing 40 bases in one regular season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the breakout center fielder.
3.
Plantation-Style Home
That’s right, we’re still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you don’t have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward. The post Plantation-Style Home appeared first on The Onion.
4.
God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes
5.
Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes
Images shared by the researchers revealed a vast menagerie of strange and otherworldly sperm that inhabits the nethermost parts of the testicular ecosystem. Their pioneering expeditions have reportedly produced the first-known live sightings of many remarkable varieties of the reproductive cell, including the anglersperm, the giant woolly spermophore, and the five-tailed glans reaper, an unusual sperm that builds its nest in the prostate before migrating to the inner testes.
6.
Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness
INDIANAPOLIS—Profusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. “I hate to do this, but fans wouldn’t be able to experience The Lost Tour as intended if I performed in the state I am tonight,” said the artist in a statement posted to her Instagram page, assuring fans and followers that she was receiving “only the best care” from professionals who were doing everything in their power to lower her mood to its baseline state.
7.
Justifications for Not Getting Botox
You just want to buy a caftan at Chico’s without being eyed suspiciously. A smooth countenance does not go with the orthopedic shoes you’ve been rocking. If you’ve got a Hotmail account, the jig is up anyway. You want to rob a bank while remaining invisible to everyone. You’re afraid of getting too much Botox and being given a job at Mar-a-Lago. Your face might become frozen in a grotesque state of perpetual astonishment, which will make your dinner party seatmate drone on about his philosophy dissertation from the 1990s because you obviously find it fascinating.
8.
Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River
MADISON, Wis. — A new survey found that the poverty crisis in the U.S. is even worse than many experts thought, with the vast majority (89%) of Americans no longer able to afford living in a van down by the river. “We expected it to be bad but not this bad. It makes us long for the early 1990s when inflation was low, Chris Farley was alive, SNL was watchable, and only the world’s biggest failures lived in vans down by the river,” said Gene Paucheque, the economist who spearheaded the abysmal survey.
9.
My Name Is Tendonitis, and Now That Your Life Is Already Falling Apart, It’s My Time To Shine
It’s not that I want to ruin your life, per se. It’s just that it’s hard to make a mark these days. There’s stiff competition. I mean, literally. Look at Frozen Shoulders. Never mind, stop looking at him. Look at me instead. My therapist told me to work on being comfortable with attention if that’s really what my goal is. If I can be vulnerable for a moment, I know I’m not one of the more exciting medical issues, even within the soft tissue issue community. So I’ve got to spice things up by waiting until someone is crying their eyes out about their divorce and is on a PIP at work.