Daily Comedy Brief · September 21st

PORTLAND, OR—Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he was struggling to improve upon the raw sexuality of the regular Muppets.

A new type of tiger cat that’s smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think? “How do they feel about cluttered studio apartments?” Carmela Soto, Wig Organizer “They had to know we’d eventually look under that car.” “Are you sure we’re ready for the responsibility of a new cat species?” Rohan Pereira, Puzzle Cutter The post First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years appeared first on The Onion.

Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the highly contagious illness. MYTH: Measles is just a rash. FACT: You’re much too comfortable with having a rash. MYTH: The measles virus can linger in the air for two hours after an infected person leaves a room. FACT: Only the deadbeat particles that have nothing better going on. MYTH: There have been preventable measles deaths this year.

WASHINGTON—Saying dire financial circumstances had left it with nothing but the most desperate option, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Monday that it had filed for bankruptcy and would now be forced to auction off the skeleton of its presidential namesake.

“That tie is old and ugly.” “There are no normal people.” “Your room stank really bad.” “Your room really stank bad.” “I am better without you.” “Without you, I am better.” “I only eat small sour lemons.” “My friend has seven children, so what?’ “Why are you sleeping under the table?” “When is he happy, never?” “Nobody wanted this.” “Is your bed almost broken or completely broken?” “She wants butter, but why ours?” “Mr.

“Black rhinos, sea turtles, and guys who sang ‘Even Flow’ in 1992. We need to be cognizant of these beautiful creatures that could one day be extinct if we don’t do something about it,” said conservationist Tara Gumbolt. “If there were no more grunge singers, the entire ecosystem of Seattle would collapse. That is how important Eddie Vedder is to the environment. In the meantime, we’ve been trying to mate Mudhoney’s Mark Arm in captivity to help sustain the population, but unfortunately, we haven’t had much luck.

Physical media is essential. By purchasing physical media, we are preserving history in the face of the forces that want to erase it or remove it from streaming. I am a warrior for preservation. I also just fucking love shelves. Sure, I like movies just fine. The visuals, the writing, the direction. Those are all OK, but they pale in comparison to the greatest quality a movie can have: an expensive physical version that takes up a tremendous amount of space. I actually recently bought a 17-pound steelbook of Treasure Planet.