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Glamour Of Lamborghini Negated By Indiana Plates
Hands Discreetly Washed On Condensation Of Drink Trophy Wife Slowly Becoming Regular Wife Janitor Could Be More Appreciative Of Nod Roller-Rink Birthday Party Lives Up To The Hype Deepest Sympathies Casseroled Laptop Taken Into Bathroom Fourth Sneeze Really Pushing It Pretty Girl Hugged With Both Arms Handful Of Sour Patch Kids Grabbed For Trip To Mailbox New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted Evidence Silent Protest Sparks Silent Debate Dept.
2.
Josephine Walker
Josephine Walker, 23, really should have picked “truth.” Hands Discreetly Washed On Condensation Of Drink Trophy Wife Slowly Becoming Regular Wife Janitor Could Be More Appreciative Of Nod Roller-Rink Birthday Party Lives Up To The Hype Deepest Sympathies Casseroled Laptop Taken Into Bathroom Fourth Sneeze Really Pushing It Pretty Girl Hugged With Both Arms Handful Of Sour Patch Kids Grabbed For Trip To Mailbox New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose…
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Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling
4.
Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day
NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. “I thought it was maybe an hour a day at most, but my jaw dropped when I found out I’d been spending nearly a third of my waking hours on my horse,” said King, who admitted he’d often found himself unable to focus on cabinet building for more than a few minutes before dropping everything and hopping back on Pebble, his 6-year-old stallion.
5.
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 17th anniversary of this freaky-ass harvest (and the first day of autumn) with the brand-new Decorative Gourd Thermos and McSweeney’s Quarterly/Thermos combo subscription. Happy fall, fuckheads! I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal.
6.
Don’t Mess with Texas
The following is an excerpt from McSweeney’s contributor Eli Burnstein’s new book, Phrased & Confused, a guide to the great quotations that we just keep getting wrong. From ancient maxims like “Seize the day” to modern sound bites like “The road less traveled,” Phrased & Confused sets the record straight on commonly misunderstood statements — and plumbs the meanings of famously slippery ones (“I think therefore I am,” “A rose is a rose is a rose”).