Sep 24, 2026 · 7 min listen · Last updated September 24, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit, September 24th. That's the joke. Here's why it landed — seven of them, actually. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Robert Pattinson.
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Daily Comedy Brief · September 24th
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Line of Juggalo Suitors Forms in the Hopes of Courting Young Juggalette
A bunch of Juggalo guys have literally queued up outside a 19‑year‑old fan’s bedroom window, hoping to snag her attention. They’re all armed with Faygo and a whole lot of bravado, ready to prove they’re the most “true romantic” in the Dark Carnival world. The girl, who just made her debut at last week’s Gathering of the Juggalos, says she’s looking for a man who can match her wild side—whether that’s a dramatic serenade or a stunt involving copper wire from a construction site. She’s clear: only the most authentic, deranged suitor will make the cut.
One of the hopefuls, Anthony Palley, claims he’s been trying to win her over with a “stirring rendition of Bugz on My Nutz.” He’s not alone; the line stretches to about two dozen men, each hoping to outshine the others. The scene is almost like a bizarre reality‑TV audition, but with a lot more glitter and a lot less scripted dialogue.
Katie’s dad, Hugh Gerwin, is surprisingly supportive of the spectacle. He reminisces about his own Juggalo days, joking about pulling a stunt at his daughter’s mother’s house, and says he wants nothing less than the most authentic representation of the Dark Carnival to win his daughter’s heart. He’s basically the unofficial judge of the line.
In short, the house outside the gathering has turned into a front‑row seat to a very unconventional courtship. The suitors are ready to go all out, the girl is ready to pick the most deranged
Wendy’s Employees Undergo Mandatory “Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday” Training
Wendy’s dropped a tongue‑in‑cheek emo compilation called “Songs to Listen to in a Wendy’s Parking Lot,” and the CEO decided the whole chain should be able to argue the Brand New versus Taking Back Sunday feud on demand. All staff now sit through a mandatory four‑hour session that covers the alleged love‑triangle, identifies the diss tracks, and rehearses shouting “Seventy Times 7” or “No I in Team” at the drive‑through window.
The training also requires watching the 2002 Drive‑Thru Records DVD by week’s end, so employees can name three songs if a customer asks. It’s billed as a PR move after store closures and criticism over past political donations, with a nod to Dave Thomas and a casual reference to Thrice fandom.
Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI
A golden retriever named Daisy is reflecting on a past fling with a guy who has now risen to the head of the FBI. She was shocked to see him on TV discussing a missing person case, recalling their wild night together a decade ago after some heavy drinking. Daisy remembers sneaking out of his apartment the next morning, hoping to avoid any future awkward encounters. Despite his attempts to reach out over the years, she assumed he was still a loser and ignored him. Now, she’s left wondering if she should contact him about their shared litter. Life really has a way of surprising us, doesn’t it?
Record Executives Release Katseye For Daily Half Hour Of Yard Time
In a surprising twist, Hybe x Geffen executives have introduced a daily half hour of yard time for their pop group, Katseye. After a marathon 12-hour rehearsal, the artists are let outside for a brief escape, where they can bask in the sun and socialize—provided they stay within the watchful eyes of their handlers. It’s a bizarre scene, really, where the artists can choose between pumping iron or grabbing snacks from the commissary, all while under the strict supervision of their label.
But not everyone is playing by the rules; member Megan Skiendiel found herself in hot water after trying to fashion a shovel out of a microphone. You have to admire the creativity, though—who knew yard time would turn into a DIY project? It’s a strange world where pop stars get a taste of freedom, but only if they don’t start plotting their escape.
Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’
A man outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center in Chicago is selling tickets to something he’s calling “Barry’s Magical Experience.” He’s presenting it as a fun alternative to the actual library, claiming it offers a more thrilling take on Obama’s legacy for just twelve bucks. Picture this: a dented sprinter van labeled “PODUS Express,” complete with hot dogs, games for kids, and a life-sized cutout of Obama that talks.
It sounds like a bizarre carnival ride, doesn’t it? The pitch is all about skipping the lines and diving into a world of “old Barry O.” But, of course, it didn’t end well. The police had to step in after tourists realized they were left in an empty lot, likely questioning their life choices. It’s a wild reminder that sometimes, the real show is just outside the main event.
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: August 2026: Atrocities 1211-1280
In August 2026, the grim tally of Trump’s administration continues. A Salvadoran immigrant died in ICE custody after being denied medication, highlighting ongoing issues within detention facilities. Meanwhile, U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro dropped charges against a vandalism case, prompting Trump to publicly criticize her decision.
In a twist of irony, Jay Clayton was sworn in as Director of National Intelligence, refusing to acknowledge Biden’s 2020 victory, while a judge dismissed charges against militia leader Stewart Rhodes, previously sentenced for his role in the January 6 insurrection.
On the economic front, the government refunded billions to corporations from tariffs, leaving households empty-handed. Trump also signed executive orders targeting birthright citizenship, further complicating immigration policies.
In a series of questionable appointments, 90% of foreign ambassador nominations went to political donors, bypassing experienced diplomats. The administration also attempted to deport Mexican immigrants at risk of torture, and Trump sought to remove a Federal Reserve board member to install a loyalist.
As if that weren’t enough, New York City fired dozens of Haitian workers after their Temporary Protected Status expired, while ICE agents in Ohio took passports from Haitians and forced them to wear ankle monitors. The absurdity of these actions paints a bleak picture of the current political landscape.