Sep 30, 2026 · 6 min listen · Last updated September 30, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit, September 30th. That's the joke. Here's why it landed — seven of them, actually. Let's get into it. First, from The Hard Times. Flock CEO Insists Company’s Data Only Shared With FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA and REO Speedwagon.
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Daily Comedy Brief · September 30th
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Flock CEO Insists Company’s Data Only Shared With FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA and REO Speedwagon
Flock CEO Garrett Langley is standing firm, claiming that anyone who opposes their AI surveillance must be hiding something. He reassures employees that their data is only shared with the FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA, and, oddly enough, the rock band REO Speedwagon. Langley argues that monitoring citizens is essential for a safe, free society, dismissing critics as “busy-body hippies” and insisting that a few data leaks are a small price to pay for profits and ‘80s nostalgia.
Former REO Speedwagon frontman Kevin Cronin is bewildered by the data he's been receiving from Flock, suggesting that if he had this tech back in the day, he might have avoided some personal heartbreak. Meanwhile, the ACLU points out a growing backlash against Flock’s cameras, noting that people are beginning to resist the erosion of privacy that’s become all too common. They encourage creative ways to combat surveillance, hinting at some mischievous tactics to disrupt Flock’s operations and their local tribute bands.
In a twist, Flock has also announced they’re sharing data with other bands like REM and INXS, expanding their rock-and-spy network. It’s a wild mix of surveillance, nostalgia, and a hint of rebellion.
Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat
A guy is convinced he would have had the courage to send a thumbs down emoji in a Cornell group chat, which is a bold claim considering the social minefield that is group chats. You can almost picture him, bravely typing away, while everyone else is just trying to keep the peace. It’s like declaring you’d jump into a shark tank while everyone else is still deciding on the best flavor of ice cream.
Meanwhile, a lesbian softball team has recruited a 4’9” player, which raises the question: how do you even find a ringer that short? It’s like they went to the playground and said, “You look like you can hit a home run.”
In other news, a political ad has been released featuring a cast of bus drivers and construction workers, which sounds like the world’s most awkward sitcom pitch. Imagine the brainstorming session: “Okay, but what if we had five bus drivers?”
Also, a man dodged an awkward moment by using a label maker to gift his autistic husband, which is both practical and heartwarming. And in a bizarre twist, a fat suit reportedly stopped a bullet, which is a plot twist no one saw coming.
Finally, a woman told her Uber driver “right here’s great” while he drove past her house three blocks back, proving that sometimes, communication is just a little off. It’s a reminder that navigating life is often more about timing than intention.
An Open Letter to Senator Eric Schmitt About It Being Totally Okay Not to Know Anything About Sports
Senator Eric Schmitt is under fire for allegedly trying to connect former special counsel Jack Smith to a conspiracy against President Trump, but his plan unraveled when he confused two basketball teams. In an open letter, Amanda Hollander expresses solidarity with Schmitt, acknowledging that many people struggle with sports knowledge. She humorously recounts her own confusion over sports trivia, mixing up teams and events, and highlights the absurdity of America’s obsession with athletics.
Hollander points out the strange names of college teams, like the University of Pennsylvania's Quakers, and emphasizes that sports can be bewildering. Ultimately, she reassures Schmitt that it's okay not to know about sports, suggesting that their shared ignorance is nothing to be ashamed of. She concludes with a tongue-in-cheek remark about his mistake, reminding him that he may not know sports, but he’ll always be a “loser” in the game of public perception.
Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors
It’s a bold move, especially considering the nostalgia factor—who doesn’t have fond memories of wandering those aisles? But now, the focus is on adults who’ve turned toy collecting into a serious hobby. Amirah Hirani, a roller rink owner, jokingly likens her own bankruptcy to a new obsession with Funko Pops, suggesting there’s a fine line between financial ruin and toy enthusiasm.
Leo Skaggs, a celebrity podiatrist, adds a humorous twist, wishing for a post to tie his child to while he shops. Meanwhile, Colton Ott, a strobe light operator, laments that kids today just can’t grasp the rich narrative depth of a See ’N Say. It’s a quirky reflection on how toys have evolved and who really gets to enjoy them now. So, it seems Toys ‘R’ Us is banking on the idea that adults can still find joy in play, even if it comes with a side of irony.
A Text to My Husband Upon My Conscription into a Rave
A woman texts her husband before heading out to a rave, humorously detailing her mixed feelings about the night ahead. She’s preparing for a potentially long evening, balancing excitement with dread, especially as she compares the rave crowd to a concert she finds more appealing. She reflects on the sacrifices she’s making for her friends, acknowledging the toll it takes on her husband, who’s left with the kids and missing out on sleep.
As she mentally gears up for the chaos of the rave—complete with glittery strangers and loud music—she contemplates various excuses to bail out but ultimately feels bound by her commitment to friendship. She’s torn between the allure of the night and the comfort of her mundane life with her family. By the end of her message, she’s resigned but affectionate, promising her husband that she’ll return, albeit a bit worse for wear.
In a twist, she updates him later that they’re leaving early, proving that sometimes the best plans are the ones that don’t go as expected.