Oct 1, 2026 · 8 min listen · Last updated October 1, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit, October 1st. Seven from the writers' rooms and the open mics — here's the one I keep thinking about. Let's get into it. First, from The Onion. Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis.
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Daily Comedy Brief · October 1st
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Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis
Dude Wipes has launched a new line of flushable khakis, aiming to tackle those awkward moments when nature calls unexpectedly. The CEO, Sean Riley, emphasized that these slim-fit chinos are designed for convenience—just tear them off and flush them away. Made from a special sewer-safe fabric, they also come in various "manly scents," which is a nice touch, considering regular khakis tend to just soak up odors.
Riley suggests these pants could save guys from the embarrassment of sitting in a meeting or on a date while worrying about a potential mishap. If all goes well, Dude Wipes might even branch out into tuxedos for weddings and scrubs for medical professionals. Because why not?
Madonna swept the VMAs, snagging seven awards and proving she’s still the queen of the night. It’s hard to believe she’s at an age that makes your mom wince just thinking about it. Her biggest hit? Well, it’s the kind of song that lingers just a bit too long, like a guest who overstays their welcome.
In the spirit of philanthropy, she’s championing tiny leather corsets for dogs, because why not? Her romantic history reads like a celebrity bingo card, with ex-husbands Sean Penn and Guy Ritchie, and a brief stint with MrBeast, which is a plot twist that no one saw coming.
Currently, she’s dating someone who seems perpetually tired, possibly from keeping up with her whirlwind life. Apparently, her return to the spotlight was a recommendation from an occupational therapist, which adds a layer of absurdity to the whole thing. To unwind, she opts for public outings as her actress self, hoping for a little peace.
Her biggest scandal? A parking violation that could’ve been a plot point in a sitcom. And as for what’s next, expect someone’s aunt to suggest she should run for president. Because, of course, that’s the logical next step.
Sydney Sweeney, 200 Feet Away And Under A Space Blanket: Let’s See You Pervs Jerk Off To This
Sydney Sweeney recently made headlines while lounging under a space blanket, a mere 200 feet away from some eager onlookers. The scene was a mix of absurdity and intrigue, as if someone decided to stage a reality show without the cameras. Meanwhile, a street sign accidentally honored a different Martin Luther King, because why not add a little confusion to the mix?
In sports news, a lesbian softball team brought in a pint-sized ringer, standing at just 4’9”. I guess when you need a secret weapon, you go for the unexpected. And in a twist of domestic life, an autistic husband received a label maker, which is probably the best way to organize chaos — or at least label it.
On the political front, a poorly cast ad featured a bus driver, construction worker, and then, shockingly, more bus drivers. It’s like they ran out of ideas halfway through. Meanwhile, a fat suit miraculously stopped a bullet, which raises questions about both fashion choices and physics.
In everyday life, a woman told her Uber driver that “right here’s great” after he missed her house by three blocks. Classic. And California is facing a record calorie deficit, which sounds like a diet plan gone wrong. The news is filled with little gems like a laptop taken into the bathroom and a birthday party at a roller rink that actually lived up to the hype. Just another day in the wonderfully bizarre world we live in.
NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day
NBA players have some interesting ideas about what they’d change if they were in charge for a day. One player suggests using AI to optimize team rotations, feeding it data on matchups, fatigue, and foul trouble. Imagine the AI deciding that the perfect lineup is just five Alex Carusos, all synced up like a defensive hive mind. The kicker? It locks the coaching staff out of the arena, leaving the Pentacaruso to wreak havoc on the competition.
Another player thinks about the importance of mental health resources, advocating for better support systems for athletes. They argue that the pressure is immense, and having accessible mental health services could really change the game for players struggling behind the scenes.
Then there's the idea of a mid-season tournament, which could shake things up a bit. The thought is that it would add excitement and give teams a chance to compete for something fresh, breaking the monotony of the regular season.
Overall, it's a mix of tech, mental wellness, and a dash of creativity that these players would love to see implemented. Who knew a day as commissioner could spark such wild ideas?
My Trusted Royal Advisor, Conniving Worm Would Never Lead Me Astray
The ruler of a kingdom leans heavily on his trusted advisor, Conniving Worm, whose origins are a mystery but whose loyalty is unquestionable. Since joining the Royal Council, Conniving Worm has taken on the workload of the now-deceased advisors, using intimidation tactics to keep others at bay. He whispers advice in a secret language, often while hovering over the throne, and even stands watch while the king sleeps, much to the dismay of the king’s wife.
Conniving Worm also dabbles in gossip, claiming the king's nephews are plotting against him, and excels as a mixologist, serving potent drinks that leave the king incapacitated. His appearance is unsettling, with skin like fresh snow and a tendency to drool a peculiar black bile, which the king chalks up to a medical issue. Despite his quirks, the king believes in Conniving Worm’s genius, especially after a recent suggestion to declare him the sole heir and marry the king’s widow in case of his demise. The king sees this as brilliant foresight, proving that sometimes, the most unconventional advisors can be the most effective.
We Rank Either the Insidious Movies or the Conjuring Movies Worst To Best. I Don’t Know, Pretty Sure It Was One of Those
So, there’s this ranking of horror movies that’s a bit of a mess, and honestly, it’s kind of relatable. The writer is trying to sort through either the Insidious or Conjuring series—who can keep track? They kick off with the one featuring a nun haunting a convent, which they declare the worst, citing a lack of memorable scares. Then, they move on to a film with Patrick Wilson possibly possessed, which they admit to enjoying but can’t even name.
Next up is a doll that terrorizes teens, which they’re not thrilled about, and they seem to be questioning their life choices about tackling this many movies. They mention a family moving into a house where a character from Mystic Pizza gets possessed, praising a particularly effective scare, but still feeling the inconsistency in quality. Finally, they crown a film with families dying and a killer soundtrack as the best, only to realize it’s not even from the series they were supposed to rank. It’s a chaotic but honest take on horror flicks, and they’re ready to dive into A24 films next—because why not?
Clifton Darrow, a regular visitor, expressed his discomfort, noting that the atmosphere shifts when these drama students start warming up with games like Zip Zap Zop. It’s a little jarring to be scared by folks who’ve invested heavily in the arts, as if their fearlessness makes them more eerie than the actual ghosts.
The corn maze staff, led by theatre major Aloysious DeMartino, pushed back against the criticism, arguing that they provide entertainment for the community while embracing the spooky season. Aloysious's passionate defense highlights the irony of theatre students being dismissed as mere performers while they strive to elevate the haunted experience.
Meanwhile, the ghosts trapped in the maze, like the headless Annabelle Jacobs, lament the theatrical antics overshadowing their tragic stories. Annabelle’s ghostly protest underscores a clash between genuine horror and the playful theatrics of the living. As patrons leave the maze, it seems the blend of ghostly history and theatrical flair is leaving some feeling more confused than scared.