Daily Comedy Brief · October 5th

Trump’s administration is planning to build a triumphal arch in D.C. for the nation’s 250th anniversary, and The Onion breaks it down with some eyebrow-raising figures. The arch will stand at four Barrons tall, which, if you’re wondering, is a unit of measurement that seems to have been invented just for this occasion. There are 17 engraved typos planned—because nothing says "monument to greatness" like a misspelled word.

In a nod to branding, they’ll need an additional arch to fit the McDonald’s logo, which raises the question of whether fast food is now part of our national identity. Construction is expected to require about 20,000 trips to Michaels, which sounds like a crafting nightmare, and there are 900 spikes being added to give it a “tough” look—because we all know how intimidating a giant arch can be.

In a bizarre twist, there’s a warning that any school children who touch the arch will receive a second warning before facing dire consequences. It’s a strange juxtaposition of a celebratory monument and a heavy-handed message. And, in a moment of reflection, it’s noted that just one healthy male relationship during Trump’s youth could have possibly changed the course of history.

Finally, an estimated 189 million viewers are expected to tune in for the arch's eventual dismantling, which feels like the most fitting tribute to this whole endeavor.

A woman in a Lamaze class is grappling with the reality of having a child that comes with a placenta—because who knew childbirth had so many accessories? Meanwhile, a 32-year-old is savoring the last few years of childhood, which sounds like a midlife crisis in slow motion. A dog, having just won a tug-of-war, is reflecting on the loneliness that comes with success, probably wondering if it’s all worth it without a human to share the glory.

In a twist of urban planning, a sign has been put up to clarify that a street is named after a different Martin Luther King, because apparently, there are multiple kings in this game. A political ad has flopped spectacularly, featuring a bus driver and a construction worker who seems to have misplaced his script—turns out, he was just another bus driver.

In health news, a man has discovered the benefits of foam rolling, but instead of the usual aches and pains, he’s dealing with a tumor. And in a heartwarming yet bizarre gesture, a Chipotle has made headlines for its grand gesture—whatever that means. Lastly, a trophy wife is slowly transitioning into a regular wife, which feels like a metaphor for the gradual acceptance of reality. A janitor, meanwhile, could use a little more appreciation for the nods he gets, because sometimes, a little recognition goes a long way.

In a recent episode of his talk show, Pat McAfee found himself in the unique position of nodding along as Aaron Rodgers delivered a two-hour monologue on the health benefits of eating tar. Yes, tar—the stuff that usually signals a road repair. Rodgers argued that tar is a natural substance, claiming its black hue is akin to a smoothie made from every fruit and vegetable. He even credited his long NFL career to this unconventional diet, suggesting it preserves you like a dinosaur in amber.

McAfee, ever the supportive friend, chimed in with “That’s fascinating, dude,” while Rodgers casually dipped a cracker into a bucket labeled “ROOFING GRADE.” The whole scene was a blend of absurdity and sincerity, leaving viewers to wonder how we got here. It’s a wild ride when a professional athlete starts advocating for a substance typically reserved for construction sites, and yet, here we are.

In a recent address, Donald Trump claimed to have uncovered evidence that Joe Biden actively campaigned against him during the 2020 election. He described a supposed conspiracy involving former presidents and government officials who allegedly worked to sway voters away from him. Trump pointed to campaign materials and speeches as proof of this “huge scheme,” arguing that Biden’s public criticisms of him were part of a coordinated effort to undermine his candidacy.

Trump went on to criticize what he called “attack ads,” suggesting they misrepresented him by highlighting his controversial moments while ignoring his accomplishments. He painted a picture of a vast network of influential figures, including celebrities and politicians, all conspiring to ensure Biden’s victory. His advisors echoed his sentiments, asserting that the electoral system is flawed, allowing for such manipulation.

A mother of a six-year-old boy is writing to Cornell University, expressing her concerns about the school's culture in light of recent sexual assault allegations involving fraternity members. While she acknowledges her son is still young, she emphasizes the importance of teaching boys about consent and responsibility early on. She humorously notes that her son is already academically advanced, but questions why there isn’t a course on helping others in distress.

The letter critiques the lack of accountability among bystanders in troubling situations and suggests that universities should foster a culture of courage and intervention. She hopes Cornell can teach her son not just academic subjects, but also essential life lessons about doing the right thing, even when it’s uncomfortable. Ultimately, she seeks assurance that her son will grow up understanding the importance of standing up for others and that he will carry these values with him into adulthood.

Trent Gordon, a self-proclaimed jam band enthusiast from Denver, is feeling the heat as he defends his musical tastes to friends who are starting to question his credibility. He insists he’s not just a patchouli-scented hippie, claiming he has indie cred and can appreciate music beyond Phish and Widespread Panic, even if he can’t name any examples right now. His friends, while somewhat tolerant, are growing weary of his jam-heavy playlists, with one admitting that a Goose concert was only enjoyable thanks to some psychedelic assistance.

Meanwhile, Dan Sanders, a local record store employee, isn’t buying Trent’s attempts to diversify his collection. He’s noticed Trent’s habit of mixing in mainstream favorites with more obscure jam bands, which doesn’t fool anyone. Sanders is willing to overlook classic bands like the Grateful Dead but draws the line at those with lengthy songs named after cheese. As the weekend approaches, Trent is gearing up for a Phish show where he’ll be selling homemade veggie burritos, likely hoping to win over some skeptics with his culinary skills.

Multidisciplinary artist Larry Berry is eagerly anticipating the irrelevant arguments that will erupt in the comment section of his new Instagram post. His work focuses on mental health struggles, aiming to connect with others facing similar challenges. However, he’s baffled to find a 50-comment thread discussing modern imperialism and refined sugars instead of his intended message about social anxiety.

Livy Bolewitz, a self-proclaimed comment warrior, argues that her online debates are an art form in their own right, dismissing the significance of Berry's work. She insists that these tangents are crucial for understanding contemporary issues, even if they veer wildly off topic.

Clinical psychologist Devon Whitaker weighs in, suggesting that these chaotic comment battles often involve mentally unwell individuals arguing with bots. He advises taking a step back and questioning the relevance of comments, like one about Shrek’s mom, to the original post about public health.

As the dust settles, Berry realizes that his piece on seasonal depression might just connect with a discussion about Hunter Biden’s hairline. It’s a strange world we live in, where art and absurdity collide in the digital realm.