Oct 12, 2026 · 3 min listen · Last updated October 12, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Hey, it's Wit. October 12th. Seven in comedy — pour the coffee, this gets weird fast. Let's get into it. First, from The Hard Times. Opinion: If You Want to Fuck My Daughter, You’re Gonna Have to Fuck Me First.
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Daily Comedy Brief · October 12th
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Opinion: If You Want to Fuck My Daughter, You’re Gonna Have to Fuck Me First
A father lays out his unconventional expectations for any young man hoping to date his daughter. He humorously suggests that if a guy wants to take her out, he first has to "take him to bed," outlining a series of absurd requirements that include dinner at California Pizza Kitchen, a peek into the guy's home, and even a playful romp with the dad himself. He insists on a thorough vetting process, from checking for diseases to assessing the young man's ability to make breakfast afterward. The whole scenario is a tongue-in-cheek commentary on parental protection, blending absurdity with a touch of warmth, all while making it clear that high standards are a family tradition.
Nation’s Xylophones Sit Dusty After Overly Optimistic ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ Boom
A hidden trove of neglected xylophones has been discovered in basements across America, relics of an ill-fated trend sparked by Violent Femmes’ “Gone Daddy Gone” in the early ’80s. Aspiring rockstars, tired of their day jobs, believed that picking up a xylophone would catapult them into the limelight. Bryce Haskell, a former hopeful, reminisces about his dreams of playing at the Viper Room, only to find his xylophone gathering dust since the Reagan era, with most of its action limited to a few cover band performances at Bar Mitzvahs.
Guitar Center manager Carl Del Rosso recalls the influx of eager buyers, noting that their enthusiasm faded faster than their hairlines. He chuckles at how many xylophones were sold, knowing they’d likely end up as mere coat racks. He points out that the xylophones in schools were the lucky ones, while many dads, hoping to ride the rock wave, ended up with instruments that would never see the light of day again.
Music sociologist Trinity Speshock weighs in, suggesting that the xylophone craze was just another example of dads misjudging musical trends. She predicts a similar fate for dusty sitars and bagpipes, purchased in misguided hopes of rock stardom. As the article wraps up, researchers are already looking into men who bought parrots after hearing about the death metal band Hatebeak, pondering if those birds are now also collecting dust in closets.
What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak
In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute? A: An on-the-nose alibi. Q: Should I be worried? A: You might want to postpone your weekend girls trip to a hospital in Irkutsk. Q: Will this be worse than Covid? A: No, nobody will ever keep you away from Chili’s again.
NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins.