Oct 14, 2026 · 7 min listen · Last updated October 14, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. It's Wit. October 14th. Seven things made me laugh out loud at my desk; we'll start with the worst one. Let's get into it. First, from McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: September 2026: Atrocities 1281-1352.
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Daily Comedy Brief · October 14th
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Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: September 2026: Atrocities 1281-1352
In September 2026, the Trump administration faced a series of troubling events. A Haitian college student, Pierre Damas Bel, tragically took his own life after being bullied while under the stress of an ICE ankle monitor. Vice President JD Vance stirred controversy by labeling a Muslim Senate candidate as "evil," while a Marine lieutenant colonel sued the administration for unfairly reducing her retirement pay due to her transgender identity.
A whistleblower revealed that the Postal Service was secretly working on a voter database despite court orders against it, potentially jeopardizing thousands of ballots. Meanwhile, the US Mint began selling gold coins featuring Trump’s image, defying laws that restrict living presidents from appearing on currency.
The Pentagon removed classified documents from a system used by defense officials, raising concerns about transparency. In response to military strikes in Iran, Vance downplayed the situation, avoiding the term "war," which has become a pattern for the administration. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent controversially blamed Ukraine for rising energy prices, while the IRS proposed new rules that could strip tax-exempt status from private schools considering race in their policies.
Lastly, the White House launched a series of arcade games promoting Trump’s agenda, which drew criticism for potential copyright infringement. Amidst all this, former Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer faced allegations of misusing funds and fostering a toxic work environment. It’s a lot to digest, isn’t it?
‘I Could Fight a Bear,’ Says Man Who Can’t Call Out Rapist Friend
A man in Austin, Brad Callahan, confidently claimed he could take on a grizzly bear in a fight, demonstrating his moves on an imaginary opponent. Yet, when it comes to addressing his friend Gareth Reid, recently charged with rape, Callahan hesitated to even send a text. He justified his inaction by saying he wasn’t there to witness the alleged crime, a stance that raises eyebrows given his bravado about bear wrestling.
Callahan’s ex-girlfriend, Amanda Rhee, pointed out that this isn’t new behavior. She recalled him confidently detailing how he’d land a plane in an emergency but faltering when it came to confronting his friend about serious allegations. Meanwhile, Penelope Patel, the district attorney on the case, highlighted the challenges of holding Reid accountable, noting the connections between judges involved and the implications for justice.
As the situation unfolds, Callahan seems more comfortable discussing hypothetical heroics than addressing real-world accountability, even claiming he would have hidden a family during the Holocaust while avoiding discussions about Palestine at work. It's a striking disconnect that leaves you wondering about the nature of courage and complicity.
‘It Follows’ Monster Quits in Disgust 10 Minutes After Being Assigned to Crust Punk
In Pittsburgh, the monster from “It Follows” threw in the towel just ten minutes into its assignment to stalk crust punk Will Bernard. Apparently, following him through Polish Hill was too much. The monster, who can usually keep up the chase for weeks, found Bernard's antics—like rummaging through a dumpster for beer bottles and pulling lice from his hair—just too repulsive. It even tried different forms, but ultimately decided that some losses are better left uncaptured.
Bernard, blissfully unaware of his near brush with death, reflected on a conversation with a girl he hooked up with recently, who had warned him to find someone else quickly. He seemed more concerned about bumming a smoke than the fact that he almost got killed.
Horror expert Jayda Henshaw weighed in, noting that crust punks have a knack for repelling even the most notorious movie killers. Leatherface and Michael Myers have been known to back off when faced with the unkempt and unapologetic style of crust punks. So, if you’re worried about being hunted, maybe skip the shower and sew on some patches. At the end of the day, even monsters have their limits.
Lewis Hamilton Figures It Probably Too Late To Ask Girlfriend Which One She Is
Lewis Hamilton seems to be in a bit of a pickle, realizing it might be too late to clarify which girlfriend he’s actually dating. You know, the classic “Who’s who in the dating game” dilemma. It’s like forgetting your anniversary but on a much larger scale—one that involves multiple people and probably some awkward conversations.
Meanwhile, in a different corner of the world, a mailman is subtly dropping hints that he wouldn’t mind a little chase. It’s a classic case of “I’m not just delivering mail; I’m delivering feelings.” The whole thing just begs the question: is there a postal service for romance?
In another bizarre twist, a plastic surgeon is offering patients a choice between mint or bubblegum-flavored lip filler. Because who doesn’t want their lips to taste like a candy shop? It’s as if they’re trying to make cosmetic procedures feel like a trip to the dentist, minus the anxiety.
And then there’s the adult birthday party with just eleven people awkwardly hovering around a bowl of chips. It’s the kind of gathering that makes you question the very essence of adulthood—like, is this what we’ve come to?
Lastly, a graverobber has decided to distract some Terra Cotta Warriors with a porcelain steak. Because when you’re dealing with ancient statues, obviously the best approach is to throw dinnerware at them. It’s a strategy that’s as absurd as it is oddly creative.
Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased SAIC Earns Top Seed In Conceptual Basketball Tournament Plastic Surgeon Asks If Patient Would Like Mint Or Bubblegum Flavor Lip Filler Adult Birthday Party Just 11 People Standing Near Chips Graverobber Throws Porcelain Steak To Distract Terra Cotta Warriors Extra-Cruel Eggs 75 Cents A Dozen Sharp Chest Pain Eaten Through Penis Dripping All Over The Darn Place Coffee Bad, Just Like Everything Else In Man’s Life Lamaze Class 90% De-Escalation Techniques Woman…
His name would be Logan. He would send you five-hundred-page tomes celebrating himself with thousands of glossy selfies that all look pretty much the same. He would eat only beige food. He would own dozens of neoclassical marble busts and torsos, even though his knowledge of the ancient world would be limited to Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey. If you took him to a Kandinsky exhibit, he would explode. He would insist on calling you “Sloane” even though your name is Shirley. If you accidentally spilled wine on him, he’d be ruined forever. Cover him with a blanket and hope no one notices.