1.
A French Bulldog’s Acceptance Speech for Being Named the American Kennel Club’s Most Popular Dog Breed for the Fourth Consecutive Year
The pup humorously thanked its mother, referring to her as the “vieille bitch,” and shared a comically grim backstory about its solitary upbringing and the challenges of being born via C-section due to its large head.
The speech took a playful jab at the complexities of Frenchie genetics, noting that natural mating is out of the question, and credited breeders for their role in creating these uniquely shaped canines. The French Bulldog expressed gratitude to influencers and celebrities, especially Lady Gaga, for elevating its status on social media.
In a nod to its competitors, the Frenchie acknowledged Labradors and Golden Retrievers, humorously suggesting that their long noses might have given them an edge if they were cuter. The speech wrapped up with a whimsical hope for a return to natural breeding, recognizing the absurdity of that dream but encouraging everyone to keep dreaming.
2.
By Executive Order, I Hereby Outlaw Pooping by All American Women
In a bizarre twist, President Trump has issued an executive order banning all American women from pooping. This decision follows discussions with Secretary of Health Robert Kennedy Jr., who apparently convinced the administration that defecation isn’t a biological necessity for women. The order claims that women have historically used cleaner methods to excrete waste, citing ancient practices like vaporizing waste through the ear canals.
Men, however, are still allowed to poop, as it’s deemed essential for their health. The administration has already removed toilets from women’s restrooms in national landmarks, replacing them with American flags for women to recite the Pledge of Allegiance instead. Couches from women’s rooms are being moved to men’s rooms, because, well, it’s “their turn.” The whole situation feels like a satirical take on gender norms, but it’s presented as a serious policy.
3.
Maybe It’s The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I’m Proud Of What America’s Become
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Ol’ Ben’s gone and gotten one too many venereal diseases in his system and now he’s spilling his heart out in some gushy, sentimental lovefest.” And I’ll admit, the bacteria carving my brain into Swiss cheese may have loosened my tongue to some degree. But when it comes to upholding the founding ideals of these United States, I think you’ve been doing pretty darn spedactic, hang on, spegact, fuck, sorry, spedaggle ugh guhhhhhhhh… Spectacularly. I think you’ve been upholding them spectacularly.
4.
Macklemore or Less
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5.
Trump Claims He Shared Cell With James Talarico In Insane Asylum
6.
Natalie Harp Raids Trump’s Underwear Drawer