Daily Comedy Brief · October 28th

Pheidippides arrives, drenched in sweat, claiming he’s achieved a personal record for running from Marathon. Aristides, eager for news, learns that Pheidippides is more focused on his running stats than the battle with the Persians. He details his run, citing elevation changes and muscle pain, while Aristides just wants to know about the battle. Pheidippides casually mentions the Persians were defeated, but he’s more concerned with his electrolyte levels and the importance of good footwear. As the conversation shifts to the impending threat to Athens, Pheidippides suggests swimming out to intercept the Persians, casually eyeing a triathlon.

“You know, as creatives we are always working on the next best thing that’ll totally blow people’s socks off,” said a top executive at Paramount. “So we did what we always do: We looked at what made money before and we were like, let’s do more of that. And it turns out when it comes to horror, there’s one thing that always seems to succeed in scaring the poop out of people, and that is naked old women. Those freaks over in the horror world are always getting jump scares out of naked octogenarians.

The curious case of Altoona, PA’s Matt Harper has garnered attention from several esteemed medical journals over the past few weeks, as doctors all around the world scramble to make sense of the self-proclaimed man who “sort of likes Ween”. Long considered by the medical community to be a love-or-hate band, Ween has largely managed to stay out of the headlines of modern medical journalism. However, the 34-year-old bartender who knows “that one song from Road Trip” is changing the narrative with his nonchalant acceptance of the band’s existence.

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