Oct 30, 2026 · 5 min listen · Last updated October 30, 2026
From storyflo. This is your daily audio brief. Wit, October 30th. Seven from the writers' rooms and the open mics — here's the one I keep thinking about. Let's get into it. First, from McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Reasons Why I Still Need You, a Werewolf, to Come into the Office During the Full Moon.
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Daily Comedy Brief · October 30th
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Reasons Why I Still Need You, a Werewolf, to Come into the Office During the Full Moon
The article humorously addresses the challenges of having a werewolf employee during full moons. It starts by firmly stating that the full moon shouldn't be an excuse for absenteeism, urging the werewolf to plan ahead like anyone else would for a dentist appointment. The company promotes a culture of shared suffering, suggesting that enduring the transformation at the office fosters camaraderie, even if it involves bone-cracking and howling.
Meetings are non-negotiable, with a clear expectation that the werewolf must participate, claws and all, while keeping any violent urges in check until after hours. The piece highlights that other employees face their own struggles, like Gary's bad knee, which, unlike the werewolf's condition, doesn’t threaten to eat anyone.
To accommodate the werewolf, documentation is required to prove their condition, complete with a hefty fee for processing. The article concludes with a reminder that the workplace is a family, not a pack, encouraging the werewolf to embrace their transformation as an opportunity for creative thinking, all while maintaining a commitment to the company and its shareholders.
66 Horror Movie Kills That Would Look Cooler if Donald Trump (Who Has Acted Before) Was in Them—We Can Say That, Right?
So, there’s this piece that takes a playful jab at horror movie kills and imagines how they’d be different if Donald Trump were involved. It kicks off by acknowledging his past acting roles, like his memorable cameo in “Horrorween.” The writer ranks 66 iconic kills, starting with the infamous shower scene from “Psycho.” They admit that while it’s a classic, the thought of Trump in that vulnerable position is just too unsettling.
Next up is the chest burster from “Alien,” where they humorously suggest that Trump writhing in agony wouldn’t really elicit sympathy from anyone nearby. Then, they dive into “Halloween 2,” where Trump’s supposed affinity for hot tubs makes him a prime candidate for a creatively gruesome death.
The piece continues with a nod to “Zombi 2,” where the absurdity of Trump keeping his eye open for a splinter is highlighted. They even venture into “American History X,” suggesting it’s a chance for Trump to flex his acting chops, before wrapping up with a few more bizarre scenarios, like him in “Hereditary” and the infamous sleeping bag kill from “Friday the 13th.” It’s all in good fun, poking at the absurdity of the situations while giving a wink to Trump’s larger-than-life persona.
Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future
The experience left him reflecting on his past behavior, especially the late-night work demands he placed on his bandmate, Doyle. It seems the Ghost of Halloween Future painted a rather grim picture of his life if he continued his litigious ways with former bandmates. The next morning, Danzig felt enlightened enough to ask a nearby boy what day it was, only to be reminded it was Halloween.
Interestingly, the Ghost of Halloween Present later revealed that their intentions were more mischievous than transformative. They just wanted to mess with him, inspired by a Christmas movie, but ended up unintentionally guiding him toward some self-improvement. Danzig, now vowing to wear white shirts to better hide cat hair, seems to have taken the ghostly advice to heart, except when it comes to Jerry Only.
Meanwhile, paranormal investigators have noted a rise in holiday-themed ghost encounters with musicians. They recalled a recent visit to the Dropkick Murphys by the Ghosts of St. Patrick’s Day, which resulted in the band swearing off alcoholic Guinness. Kid Rock, however, remains unchanged after a similar scare from Fourth of July ghosts.
At the end of it all, Danzig’s newfound perspective led him to donate $666 worth of Halloween costumes to charity, proving that even a punk icon can have a change of heart—sort of.
White House Announces Children on EBT Only Allowed to Trick or Treat at Houses Giving Out Apples
WASHINGTON — The Trump Administration announced Monday that children who are on EBT, or SNAP benefits, will only be permitted to trick or treat at houses giving out apples, confirmed sources. “Look, no one wants to be the bad guy, but we have to start cracking down on how our resources are allocated to make sure we have enough for our military parade budget,” explained White House Press Secretary and guerilla agent for preventative Botox Karoline Levitt. “Our children need to be healthy.
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