Daily Comedy Brief · November 5th

Trump's recent promise of $5,000 to every adult if Republicans held Congress has taken a hit thanks to a Democratic win, leaving many to ponder the lost opportunity. The article humorously laments that voters have traded away this cash for democracy, suggesting they could have splurged on luxury items or even started businesses. The writer paints a vivid picture of what that money could have bought, like a house with two bathrooms—one for pooping, one for “storing documents.”

Amidst the tongue-in-cheek commentary, there's a jab at economists, labeled as the culprits behind the loss of this promised cash, with their pesky calculators and “communist machines.” The absurdity continues as the writer contemplates how the money could have covered a month and a half of rent or a few tanks of gas, all while mocking the desperation of voters concerned about their financial realities.

In the end, the piece shifts to a rallying cry for Republicans, hinting at an even bigger promise in the future—$10,000, $15,000, or even $25,000—while encouraging supporters to ignore the pesky questions about funding. It’s a mix of satire and absurdity, reflecting on how the promise of money can be more about symbolism than practicality.

Oh, is Mr. Fancy Pants too good for the dump? Is Mr. Big Time too precious to live in the municipal landfill? Grow up. Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things TSA Discontinues Bomb-Eating Dogs Rich Kid From High School Wins Olympic Gold Impossible To Describe Friend Without Being Mean ‘The Thing About Dragons Is,’ Begins Promising Sentence Supposed Little Ditty About Jack, Diane Ends Up Being Huge Fucking Ordeal Autistic Husband Gifted Label Maker Lesbian Softball Team Brings In 4’9”…

The media reported it as a mass suicide, but you can choose to see the glass half full. Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret Man With Shellfish Allergy Killed By Gun Of All Things TSA Discontinues Bomb-Eating Dogs Rich Kid From High School Wins Olympic Gold Impossible To Describe Friend Without Being Mean ‘The Thing About Dragons Is,’ Begins Promising Sentence Supposed Little Ditty About Jack, Diane Ends Up Being Huge Fucking Ordeal Autistic Husband Gifted Label Maker Lesbian Softball Team Brings In 4’9” Ringer Sign Clarifies Street Named…

The National Book Awards will take place Nov. 18, with novelists Edwidge Danticat and Hannah Lillith Assadi among the finalists for fiction. The Onion shares tips for writing your own novel. Save time by writing all of the e’s first. Visualize your characters by designing them in Madden NFL 06 ’s Create-A-Player feature. Consider what is marketable at the moment, and if you have a clear picture of that, maybe go into marketing instead. Write every day unless you don’t feel like it.

You can refresh Zillow all you want, but this 2-bedroom mess in a run-down neighborhood is all you can afford, and no amount of wishing or daydreaming is going to change that. The post As Good As It Gets appeared first on The Onion.

This newly restored 5-bedroom Victorian home combines timeless charm with modern comforts save for one locked room under the stairs that the dog will bark at repeatedly in abject terror. The post Room That Scares The Dog appeared first on The Onion.

Bain corporate officers said they believe Tibetan Buddhism has the fundamentals to be a leader in the dharmic space, but claimed the religion has languished for the last thousand years under complacent management and suboptimal capital allocation. The Boston-based private equity firm confirmed chairman John P. Connaughton would serve as interim Dalai Lama to shepherd the legacy institution through its next phase of development.

NEW YORK—Voicing concern that he had misallocated much of the $200 million A24 had provided, director Alex Garland made remarks Thursday in which he expressed regret for having blown most of the budget for his Elden Ring movie adaptation on DEX. “Of course, it’s good to have some points in Dexterity given the bows and rapiers in the movie, but I’m starting to think I should have put some of that money toward makeup or sound editing or paying the actors,” said the filmmaker, adding that most of the cast and crew had already hit the stat’s second soft cap after the first $5 million.

I’m as stunned as you all are. Nate Silver’s most recent goat entrail analysis foretold good tidings for the Democrats against Nyarlathotep’s death cultists in the midterms. As the House Minority Leader, I knew it was my job to project confidence going into Tuesday, but I admit now that I remained a tad worried about unexpected disappointments. We’re the Democratic Party, after all. If there’s one thing we’re known for, it’s our seemingly bottomless capacity to disappoint.