An Important Note to Readers: This piece is satire and all responses attributed to First Lady Melania Trump are products of my own imagination, even though I suspect that she has had some version of these thoughts at least eleventeen hundred times during her marriage to the POTUS.
**Y’all . . . **
After Donald Trump stood on that stage in Michigan and told America to look at rapper Nicki Minaj’s “beautiful ass,” there was only one journalistically responsible thing for me to do. I had to call his wife and interview her because I needed to know if the First Lady had any embarrassment left to give.
So, I called 202-555-YUKK and to my surprise, Melania answered. And let me tell Y’all, she sounded completely unsurprised, unbothered, and even grateful that another woman is occupying her husband’s sexual gaze.
Here’s how the interview went, Y’all . . .
ME: Mrs. Trump, thank you so very much for taking my call this morning. I know you’re very busy so I’ll get right to it. So, there’s been rumors that even though your husband can barely find his own ass with both hands, he publicly admired Nicki Minaj’s ass. I think the American people want to know how you feel about your husband’s behavior.
MELANIA: Yess. I hear about dis Nicki Minaj. Ees very beautiful ass. But I am just surprised Donald noticed. Usually he ees too busy kissing his own ass.
ME: So you’re not upset about his behavior?
MELANIA: “Upset? Vhy? Pleeease. I am married to Donald more than tventy years. You sink Nicki Minaj ass ees de moment I discover who my husband ees?”
ME: Fair point, Mrs. Trump.
MELANIA: “Many, many vomen, Staceypants. Stormy Daniels. E. Jean Carroll, and she gets millions for dee-fah-may-shun. Many, many vomen say Donald do sex misconduct. Vhite House people hav Excel spreadsheet to keep names. Every time new voman comes forward, somebody in Oval Office must add another row. And now you call me today because Donald look at Nicki Minaj ass? Pfffffffff . . . Ayyyy.”
ME: But surely it must have bothered you just a little to hear your husband tell America that another woman’s ass is beautiful and hard to miss, no?
MELANIA: “Hav* you *seen Nicki Minaj ass?”
ME: Well yes, I have. Your husband is correct that it is hard to miss.
MELANIA: And hav you seen mine?
ME: Mrs. Trump—
MELANIA: Ees okay, Staceypants. I know maths and science. I cannot compete with ass of Nicki Minaj. Her ass has its own . . . ehhhh . . . how do you say . . . ehhhh . . . grah-vee-tay-shun-al feeld. They say little old men in motor scooters can orbit around that ass. If Nicki walks too close to ocean, maybe we hav tides or maybe we get hurricanes.
ME: So you’re not jealous, Mrs. Trump?
MELANIA: *“Heh-heh-heh . . . ah-hah-hah . . . pfffft! *Jealous of Nicki? No. Concerned for Nicki, yes, maybe.
ME: *Concerned? *Tell me why.
MELANIA: Because now Donald is looking. I know vat comes after looking. Ven Donald starts looking, you vill have to go to Mar-a-Lago and he vill show you cocktail sausage on Thanksgiving Butterball turkey. Nicki vill have to pretend ees a feast! Ah-hah-hah.
ME: First Lady, I think the American people would like to understand what marital dynamic is going on here.
MELANIA: “Dy-namic ees very simple, Staceypants. Donald stays over dere. Melania stays over hee-yer. EH-vree-bah-dee sur-vyves.”
ME: So in other words, you don’t mind him focusing his attention on other women?
MELANIA: “Luk at heem!”
ME: With all due respect First Lady, I don’t think I want to.
MELANIA: “Egg-zakt-lee.”
ME: So what are you suggesting?
MELANIA: I am suggesting we do not hav marriage where wife says, “Why you looking at other woman?” We hav marriage where wife says, “Fank God. Please, keep looking somevere far avay from me.”
ME: Damn, Mrs. Trump. It’s like that?
MELANIA: You say you do not look, but I know you hav seen Donald. He ees old man. He paints hees face orange. Hees hair looks like somebody stapled dead Chihuahua on his head in tornado. Hees hands are teeny-tiny and hees ankles do things I do not understand. He cannot even stay avake. I vill not fight Nicki and her beautiful ass for Donald.”
ME: Mrs. Trump, I know this is a bit personal, but there’s also been widespread speculation that the president wears adult diapers.
MELANIA: I vill discuss many things, but vill not discuss classified information.
ME: Ohhhh, come ON.
MELANIA: “Nekst kwes-chun.”
ME: M’kay, just to confirm, you were *not *embarrassed when he made the comment about Minaj’s backside?
MELANIA: “Embairassment would ree-quire me to have the capahseetee for sur-praiz.”
ME: So you’ve got none left to give?
MELANIA: “Eet died when Donald said ‘grab dem by POO-see.’”
ME: Jesus Devante Christ.
MELANIA: “Yee-zus vill not take dee veel.”
ME: Lemme ask you, First Lady, do you think your husband genuinely believes Nicki Minaj is flattered by him and finds him attractive?
MELANIA: “Staceypants, Donald believes every voman vants him. Dis ees man who looks in mirror, sees orange rotisserie chicken vith dead Chihuahua on head, and says, “All the vomen are lucky I am married.”
ME: Point taken. I’m curious to know, would you ever confront him about publicly sexualizing another woman? Especially on a national stage?
MELANIA: Vhy? That vould be stupid thing to do. Den he comes ome and pays attention to me. No, no. Let him look at Nicki and her big ass. I hav suffer enough for dis country.
ME: So Nicki is essentially performing a public service?
MELANIA: Off the record, yes.
ME: Last question. If you could say one thing directly to Nicki Minaj, what would it be?
MELANIA: Nicki, you hav beautiful, magnificent ass. From bottom of my heart, I tank you for your beautiful ass. In twenty years, it ees first ting to make Donald look avay from himself.
ME: And anything you’d like to say to your husband?
MELANIA: No.
ME: Mrs. Trump, thank you for speaking with me. I appreciate your time.
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THIS CONTENT IS WRITTEN IN THE AUTHOR’S PERSONAL CAPACITY. ANY OPINIONS EXPRESSED ARE THE AUTHOR’S OWN AND SHOULD NOT BE ATTRIBUTED TO HOWARD UNIVERSITY OR MORGAN STATE UNIVERSITY.
