Yesterday’s extra newsletter on Dolly Parton’s humanity hit a nerve. Or maybe I need a break from my usual dark-but-necessary fare. Because I’ve written on this theme in the distant past, I’m returning to it today.
I might write about myself and my life a bit more than usual in this piece. If that’s not interesting to you, here’s your pass to move on.
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I was born in the South. Spent over fifty years of life in the South. Spring from two joined sets of poor-South DNA with all of its generational trauma.
Like the time my also-of-the-South aunt scolded my mother for not making me write a thank-you note for the dollar she put in my birthday card the year I turned five.
I still remember that phone call. Our only landline was next to the carport door. My aunt called and chewed my mom a new one while I played Barbies in the den. Mom hung up, sat me at the family table, handed me some paper and a pencil, and said Your Aunt Lillie is mad that you didn’t write a thank-you note for the dollar she gave you. Asked me what kind of children I’m raising. She’s so difficult. Probably burning up the phone lines telling Roy’s family what a bad mother I am, so you’d better thank her.
I processed this whole episode as my failure. (Again, I was five.) I vowed to be the best little thank-you note writer the world had ever seen so nobody would say my mom was a Bad Mother and she would be proud of me.
While I’m sure I failed to write thank-you notes for many things, I was one of those judgey thank-you note scolds when I was younger adult. Given all my dysfunctional programming (see above), I knew how to make passive-aggressive thank-you notes an art form.
I remember wading into Facebook group discussions and lecturing harried women with small kids who argued *if I said thank you when somebody gave me a gift, why do I need to write a note? I DON’T HAVE TIME!!! *I fought with those who said thank-you notes were bad for the environment and looked down my nose at people who claimed a text could replace a handwritten note.
I was an oblivious asshole who’s done a lot of work on herself since then.
I’m sure social media has played an outsized role in this degradation of humanness, but so has capitalism. We’re supposed to spend our time on productive pursuits, and seeing others, acknowledging their humanity, telling them they matter - those activities aren’t PRODUCTIVE as defined by our capitalist billionaire overlords.
Our entire societal construct treats everyone like we don’t matter. Regime actions since the 2024 election have added precarity and scarcity. Desperate people who are fighting to keep homes and buy food and afford healthcare and maintain cars to get to multiple low-paying jobs and feed and clothe kids don’t have time, energy, or will to slow down and tell someone else they matter. How can they, when they are told - every second of every day they are alive by every grinding gear of this government and economy - that they don’t matter.
I’ve also noticed this very American tendency to ignore basic humanity since I left the US. I adapted to the constant US capitalist scolds who said *why are you putting all this crap at the beginning of every email DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MESSAGES I READ EVERY DAY JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES. *Every time I send a text or an email now, it is culturally expected that I will ask the other person how they are or say something kind before launching into why I’m writing. It’s a weird 180 to have murdered and buried one’s kindness only to be forced to exhume it, resuscitate it, and hope it doesn’t act like a zombie.
I can’t have a conversation with someone until I have hugged them, kissed them, and asked them how they’ve been. Or I am a rude, ugly American.
My husband is now hugging and kissing men on the cheek hello-and-goodbye, because that’s how much this basic kindness is expected.
I speak to restaurant workers and greet every cab driver with a smile and thank store clerks and wish cashiers a good day BECAUSE EVERYBODY DOES IT. I don’t stand out like an overbearing lunatic. To them, I’m probably still esa gringa fría. (that chilly American.)
**Greet everyone with a smile and a hello.**You don’t have to do a scary rictus grin or go overboard. Eye contact. A brief smile and a greeting. If the other person reciprocates, I usually ask them how their day has been or some other small talk.**Wish everyone a good day at an interaction’s end.**I tell every single solitary person I see to have a good day. It’s probably one of the only things I can say in Spanish without an accent, because I say it so much. If they say it to me first, I thank them and sayigualmente(in this context - the same for you.)**Thank people for helping you.**I thank everyone for taking time with me. Usually with a side of enduring my bad Spanish and being patient. But it is never wrong to thank people in any context. Everyone appreciates being acknowledged, even if they’re simply doing their jobs.**Be patient with others.**We never know how another person struggles, especially now. I’ve even stopped conversations to sayit seems like you might be having a tough day…can I do anything to make it better?**And yes, write thank-you messages where appropriate.**They don’t have to be handwritten and mailed (though I still love those because they don’t come with a PING.) It can be like the simple text I sent yesterday to thank a few people for making time to get together. It took 2 seconds, and I added a food recommendation we’d discussed in person so the ping wasn’t solely about saying thank you.**Let other people know how they impact your life.**It’s not schmoopy and mushy and intrusive to tell someone how they’ve changed you. Famous people like to hear their work matters, even if they don’t acknowledge your message. Regular people love to know they’ve made a difference. Creators spend so much time flinging things into the ether; it’s always ALWAYS glorious to know it meant something to someone.**Send quick messages to friends and family to let them know you’re thinking about them.**My friends live all over this planet, and this is a foundational part of keeping them in my life. I’m new to healthy, well-formed friendships. I still can’t believe some of my friends chose me. Occasionally, I let them know I’m grateful they choose to be in my life.**Apologize when someone says you hurt them.**I didn’t grow up in a world where people took responsibility for hurting others. Abusers never, ever apologize. It has warped our national understanding of what an apology is, even in healthy circles. True apologies 1. Name the hurt; 2. Acknowledge your role in the hurt to the hurt person; 3. Takes responsibility for that hurt by asking the hurt person for forgiveness. Real apologies do not include things likeI’m sorry you feel that wayand*I’m sorry you were hurt.*While I can think the other person is being too-whatever, their feelings are THEIR FEELINGS. If they tell me I hurt their feelings, I deny their humanity by ignoring or diminishing the feelings they say they have. I’m wrong a lot. It costs me nothing to say so. We must stop treating apologies like statements-to-be-avoided-at-all-costs if we ever hope to acknowledge basic humanity.
For those who have time for Projects in Basic Humanity, I wrote about one of mine last year.
Our billionaire overlords and their WCN bootlickers are trying to grind our basic humanity down to the nub. Every time you despair, remember Dolly Parton. No matter how famous busy important harried she was, Dolly Parton did everything on the bulleted list above. Every day. All the time. Even before she had things like money and fame and help.
AND SO CAN WE.
What would you add to this List to Build Basic Humanity? Share your thoughts in a comment today.
