Of course, I’ll write this entire thing, and towards the end, you’ll say it’s okay, and you’ll hold the level of understanding that I need, the type of understanding that I even rarely give myself, and even so, I’m searching for a level of grace from your eyes that I at times can’t even find to give the person looking back at me in the mirror… wtf…
As a writer, as an artist, a creator, I pride myself on the making of the things that you will later consume to some capacity. I like to think that my words have to do something in every space that they live… or that at least one person sees themselves and feels heard whenever their eyes scan from left to right on something I’ve written, and even here… my Substack, I’ve made promises to my readers, started things…. series, lanes of writing, frames of thought that I don’t always keep up with or deliver that “ part two “ that was promised 30 articles ago, and I’ve always been hard on myself when it comes to the output, a way of feeding the hearts, minds, and souls of the people who have chosen to feast at my literary restaurant…
My first year on substack…. I think 2023, I might have published 100+ times, hell, 200+… this is how much I love to write, shit… I’m writing this partly because I love to write…. but I have always intended to keep up that sort of productivity or level of sharing…whether it be some of the personal matters of my life, how I feel about certain things, or a piece of writing helping you gain insight that you may have never had before….
In what I believed to be one of my toughest years…an uphill battle… 2024… fully establishing my life again, and on a full spectrum reset of my ecosystem….turns out, while I may have felt that I was underperforming in terms of book sales or the publishing of books… I discovered this year that, in 2024, I was the #1 selling poet in my niche and category… and I say that to also express that sometimes what we feel is our worst experience may also be one of the greatest times of our life, and I just wish I had the awareness back then to search for the good even in times when I felt my most tired and low….
Two things can be true at once… and even when you feel like a failure, there are parts in your life where you are succeeding profoundly….
In a couple of days, I will have been solo parenting for 5 months… and there was a moment when I’d been on autopilot… I mean, for a couple of months I’d been just highly functional without any real thought into how I felt… because let's face it… when you’re in the trenches, there is a level of who the fuck cares… no one is coming to save you… and oh well… I have to do what the fuck I have to do regardless, but there was a moment.. I think 3 months in, when my girlfriend had come into town, and took a moment…. and in between performing with a superstar, and lent me the biggest hand and much needed support that helped me far more than she could even know… more on that later… in another piece… but it was in that moment where I understood just how weary I’d been and how much help I needed…. It also felt good to be honest about it and drop my shoulders a little…. that week meant so much to me and honestly… all the output that came after was supported by her encouragement and presence….
I have had my hands full…. and I want to say sorry for any promise I haven’t kept… and it’s not to say I don’t intend to do all the things… the freebies, the pdf’s, the digital products for subscribers, the perks and all the writing that I can muster but there are times where I miss the morning brew…or the near perfect daily post asscocationed with the a day out of the 365 days we’re pushing to get through… or those sunday posts that help you get through the week…. and so on and so forth…
Writing is my first love… writing has been one of the greatest joys of my life… and it’s the medium of artistic expression that I’ve remained committed to consistently for most of my entire life… and there are times when I can’t make it here to produce or share a thought with you… And hell… maybe you didn’t even notice; maybe it’s just me… but still… I wanted to say that every promise I’ve made or intent I have with my substack will come to life…but that shit might take some time, and I hope you’ll continue to be patient with me… as you’ve always been….
Thank you for reading. Thank you for the support… the understanding and the love you give… not only to my pieces of writing but the ways you say the kind things that keep me inspired… I’m so fucking grateful….
Please be kinder to yourself…. more than I’m being right now…
I hope you’re having a good weekend…
Stay tuned……
……P.S. / by the way…
Before you go, I want to leave you with a few things I’ve had to remind myself of lately… maybe you need them too…
You are allowed to be behind on things and still be a good person…
Rest isn’t something you earn after you’ve proven yourself… it’s something you’re owed simply for being human…
The version of you that’s barely holding it together is still holding it together… and that counts… that matters…
Not every season is meant to be productive… some seasons are meant to keep you alive… and that’s enough…
You don’t owe anyone a perfect explanation for why you needed time…
The promises you couldn’t keep don’t erase the ones you did… look at how much you’ve carried… look at how far you’ve come…
Ask for help before you’re empty… you don’t have to wait until you’re on the floor for your needs to be valid…
Someone out there is grateful you exist, even on the days you can’t see why…
Be patient with yourself the way you’d be patient with someone you love… because you deserve that same grace… especially from you…
And if no one has told you lately… I’m proud of you… for staying… for trying… for still being soft in a world that keeps asking you to harden…
Go easy on yourself this week…
I’ll see you soon…
— r.h. sin
