tl;dr Instant besties don’t work out for me in the long run.
In
I talked about how I think about human connection as someone with both a history of trauma & a twisty brain. We can establish a bridge with another person. We can walk half way across. We can meet in the middle. That’s connection.
(I’m the one in the hat, in case you don’t recognize me.)
That connection can ripen & mature over time (topic for another day) but the basics remain—a bridge, and half way across.
Not all connections are good, are nourishing. Sometimes there’s just not a fit—my needs don’t fit what you can offer, your needs don’t fit what I can offer. Sometimes that lack of fit is down to timing, sometimes it’s structural, seemingly permanent.
As someone who both craves & fears connection, how can I spot connections that are likely not to end up mutually nourishing? Put bluntly, what do red flags look like in the bridge analogy? What can I do when I realize this connection is not a connection that’s healthy for me to continue in?
One form of red flag is when I go too far—I go all the way to the other person’s side of the bridge. This happens when I go to the middle but the other person isn’t joining me.
This manifests as, on their part:
Cooler emotional tones
Less vulnerability
Less time investment
Less responsiveness
When I’m feeling lonely, desperately in need of connection, I sometimes try to force the issue by further upping my tone, disclosure, time, responsiveness.
What’s wrong with going too far over? First, it drives some people away. Too much, too soon, leave me alone, creep. Second, there’s no end to how much I can give to try to force connection. Third, the folks who aren’t driven away tend to take advantage of, encourage, my over-giving. Not sustainable. Not a mutually nourishing connection.
The reverse happens as well. I connect with someone & they immediately become my best friend—I’ll give you this, and that, and this, and that. Let me tell you my whole life story. Buy you presents. Take you to meet my family.
NGL this feels good for a moment. I wanted connection. I got it. And I didn’t really have to work for it. What’s wrong?
Nothing is wrong with all those good things flowing between us, but in good time & in good proportion. Someone who is willing to instantly give give give doesn’t have a good sense of their own boundaries. If they don’t have a sense of their boundaries, they won’t have a sense of my boundaries either.
I’ve been lied to, stolen from, & manipulated by people who were instantly sharing too much. If they don’t have boundaries with themselves, they won’t have boundaries with me. And vice versa. Hard lesson but there you are.
I keep open the possibility of connection. I try to stay aware of where I am on the bridge. When I start edging over to their side, I cool myself off (& reflect on why I want to go too far). When someone edges over to my side, I cool myself off. If they insist on trying to be on my side of the bridge, I shut down the connection. Life is too short & the consequences too dear.