For most of my life, I thought pleasure was something you found. The right partner, the right hormones. The right body, the right timing, and, I used to believe, the right technique.
As a physician, I’ve spent decades studying the biology of female desire. As a woman, I’ve spent longer inside a culture that teaches women something else entirely, that you negotiate against yourself first and pleasure might follow if there is anything left over.
We learn to make invisible bargains. Don’t be needy. Don’t disappoint. Don’t ask for too much. Don’t take up too much space. Don’t say no if saying yes is what keeps the connection.
I have been sitting with those bargains lately. I don’t have a clear answer about where they originate, but I suspect they shape a woman’s capacity for pleasure as much or maybe more than her hormones, and more than any partner.
If the bargains are held in patterns of attention and vigilance rather than in any single hormone level, then no protocol aimed at fixing a number on your lab report will touch them. Most of the time, the solution is not as simple as cranking up your testosterone level. Something has to reach that deeper layer, something that works on attention itself rather than just on a specific biochemical mechanism.
Ancient traditions like Tantra do not begin with orgasm, they begin with your attention, breath, and presence. They begin with the radical possibility that nothing needs to happen for this moment to already be enough. For a woman who has spent a lifetime earning love, proving her worth, or managing everyone else’s experience of her, that possibility lands as startling.
The Tantric ritual that I want to share, which has been described in the medical literature, is not about becoming a better lover. It is more about becoming a woman who is impossible to abandon, especially by herself. Pleasing someone else was never the deepest erotic act. Coming home to herself was.
A few days ago, I published a post about the felony conviction associated with orgasmic meditation and the seven studies that support it as a tool of orgasm and female tumescence.
Female tumescence is the physiological swelling of erectile tissue in the clitoris, labia, and vaginal walls that occurs with blood engorgement during arousal, the body’s measurable sign that arousal is present, regardless of whether or not a woman consciously registers it. I put both the conviction and the science in the same post on purpose.
A woman’s body can be swollen with blood flow and primed for pleasure while her mind stays somewhere else entirely, managing a partner, monitoring the room, waiting for permission, thinking about her to-do list.
While you have the seven studies, two of which I co-authored, that support orgasmic meditation, you do not yet have the protocol underneath it, the steps a woman can follow to close the gap between what her body is doing and what she can feel. The protocol is below. It draws on the same evidence base, plus 35 years of sex therapy literature that I bet nobody provided to you either.
A patient of mine was 39, 11 months postpartum, and told me that her body was working sexually but not in the way it once did. Her vagina was healing, lubrication was good, and she could reach orgasm in a few minutes with a vibrator. Her estradiol was back to normal. Her testosterone was in the top half of the normal range, where we wanted it. Her pelvic exam was normal, her pelvic floor was excellent, and her vaginal pH was 4.5.
But she felt numb. Absent. She’d been married almost nine years and sex felt like a weather report. She responded sexually to her husband but her mind wasn’t into it.
Three clinicians saw her before me. Her primary care doctor checked her for anemia and told her that this was completely normal for a new mother, and that it would resolve when she finished breastfeeding. She saw her obstetrician, who gave her vaginal estrogen for the dryness that can come with breastfeeding (a low estrogen state). A functional medicine doctor offered testosterone which changed nothing that she could detect.
Her marriage was not the issue. The problem was a mismatch between what her body was doing and what she could consciously feel as arousal. This is called arousal concordance. No one had described it for her until we met.
Arousal concordance is the agreement between what your genitals are doing and what you are able to feel. It is measurable in a laboratory, it varies enormously between women, and it is moderated by interoceptive awareness, meaning your capacity to perceive your own internal body signals.
In sexually functional women, greater interoceptive awareness produced more agreement between physiological and perceived genital arousal. [1] This is the diagnosis for many women who have been told their hormones are normal, and maybe their marriage is the problem.
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What I was taught in my medical training:* if the genital response is present and the hormones are adequate, the sexual issue is psychological and belongs to the sex therapist.
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What I now understand: *the gap between what a woman’s body is doing and what she is able to feel is a physiological finding, it is modifiable, and the behavioral protocols that modify it have been sitting in the peer-reviewed sex therapy journals since the 1970s while my profession of obstetricians and gynecologists declined to read or learn them.
I want to be clear about the scale of this omission. Sensate focus is a structured touching exercise, developed by Masters and Johnson, where partners take turns touching each other with no goal of arousal or orgasm, so that both partners can relearn what touch feels like without performing for an outcome. It is the foundational technique for exactly this problem: the body responding while the woman feels disconnected from that response. Sensate focus appears in the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ practice bulletin on female sexual dysfunction. [2] In other words, it has been recommended by the governing body of my own specialty since 2019. I have never heard it discussed at grand rounds or encountered it anywhere in my formal training.
Your arousal concordance is measurable, moderated by interoceptive awareness, and improves with structured attentional training that I’m about to provide. It does not require your hormones to be off, and the correction is more behavioral than pharmacological.
One more thing before the protocol, because it undoes most of the advice you have been given. The relationship between sympathetic nervous system activation and female genital arousal is curvilinear. In 52 sexually active women, moderate sympathetic activation produced the highest vaginal pulse amplitude, while both very low and very high activation produced less. [3] That means “just relax” is poor clinical instruction. Relax too far and the genitals do less, not more. The target is autonomic flexibility. That finding determines where this protocol begins.
- Behind the paywall is the full 12-week protocol,* beginning with autonomic preparation. It includes the complete autogenic training script, a structured relaxation practice that uses repeated phrases about heaviness, warmth, calm breathing, and a steady heartbeat to shift the nervous system out of fight-flight-freeze-fawn and into a more receptive state. In one study, a single 22-minute session increased both physiological and subjective arousal.
You will also get:
the five phases of sensate focus, progressing from nongenital touch through motionless containment, designed to remove pressure to perform and teach you to notice what your body is feeling
the five tantric exercises that Voigt derived from maithuna, the Tantric practice of ritualized sexual union, and published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy in 1991
what the brain scans mean for the design of this protocol, along with an honest account of who funded the research and what its small samples allow us to conclude
the trauma-informed modifications, including what must happen before partnered touch begins, how to stay within your window of tolerance, and why greater body awareness can initially make distress worse for some survivors
Every part is laid out step by step, with its proposed mechanism, the strength of the evidence, and the relevant modifications for age and tissue change. I built this protocol from my own experience and refined it across decades of caring for women like the patient above, women whose bodies were responding but who could no longer feel the response from the inside. Twelve weeks. The full protocol is below.
